Republicans Rebranding Again (Again), This Time As Party Of 'Ideas' LOL
Since it has been almost five whole minutes since the Republican Party tried again to rebrand itself again unsuccessfully again (turns out stock photos can't vote; who knew?), there's a new new super extra new plan to convince voters the Republican Party does not suck. We're hoping it doesn't fail until we at least finish writing about it.
Republicans will unveil a rebranding effort Thursday aimed at changing its image as a political party focused solely on obstructing President Barack Obama's agenda to instead a champion of ideas and action.
According to sad sack Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus, whose job it is to keep announcing these new not-gonna-fail-this-time plans, "People know what we're against. I want to talk about the things we're for."
You might think the Republican Party's One True Calling is being against Barack Obama and against health care and against poor people and against women and against minorities and against education and against science and against all the parts of the Bill of the Rights that don't involve ammo. But, see, that's just because Priebus is really bad at his job and has not effectively communicated that the GOP is about so much more than that. Like being for being against all those things. Ideas!
Let's do the squiggly line flashback dance to remember some of the other eleventeen trillion times the GOP has rebranded itself since it was forced to confront the devastating realization, after the 2012 election, that everyone kind of hates them.
It all started when the party retreated to a slave plantation to teach themselves how to talk more better to blacks and browns and chicks. At a slave plantation.
There was the plan in 2013 to teach Republican men how to not say stupid stuff about rape. That's gone swimmingly, which is why GOP strategist Matt Mackowiak -- yeah, strategist -- totally did not say that because "Texas is a pro-life state," rape and incest are kind of "minor issues."
There was the plan to make funny jokes about abortion to appeal to the millennials, because kids these days love jokes!
There was the time the GOP was going to woo all the ladies by explaining to their dumb little lady brains that "women's health" is not about 'bortions and birth control and family planning, duh, but about osteoporosis, which we are guessing they also cut funding to, and oh look we are right!
There was also the RightNOW Women PAC, which was basically the same plan as the healthsplaining plan, but with a different name, and also it was going to raise all the monies for all the Republican ladies running for office, which we guess can't be considered a total failure yet because at least its website is still up.
Then the GOP got super hip and edgy with a one-word plan to win all the everything: hashtags. Since that worked so well, they rebooted it with a new hashtag in September about how Republicans Are
People Stock Photos too. It's working just as well.
Earlier this summer, the GOP was going to make its ladies go out and spread the good word that there is no War on Women (unless Obama is doing it, then it is very real), and stupid ladies just need to smarten up and realize they will be more "empowered" if they pull themselves up by their own bra straps.
Despite all that rebranding, a recent report commissioned by Republicans showed women still aren't all that into the GOP, mostly because they are stupid. And we are just guessing that with the constant fear-mongering about how all the Messican babies are hopped up on birth control sneaking across our borders so President Obama can do Nazi things to them in the foster care system -- which they may or may not deserve, since they are sweet innocent babies who will also kill all of our co-eds and give us Ebola -- well ... we don't know, we are not experts, but we're guessing the outreach to minorities is maybe not going so well either.
Still, we do enjoy watching the GOP reinvent itself every five minutes. And this latest plan, which is based on "input from political and grassroots activists," according to one RNC official, is sure to be just as successful as the others. Because once voters understand that Republicans aren't just about shutting down the government, blocking all the laws, and telling everybody what a bunch of stupid moochers they are ... sorry, just got word that plan is no longer operational, but there's a new one on the way. Stay tuned.