BE AFRAID, liberals! Be very afraid! We have offended the great David Clarke, private citizen and public spectacle. The ice we skate is getting pretty thin, and soon we'll be swimming in the warm waters of his wrath! Oh, noes!

What the hell is SMASH-MOUTH POLITICS #MAGA? Well, Commie, it's threatening to do violence to journalists if they report that the FBI got a warrant for your emails after you abused your office to harass a guy who glared at you on an airplane.

Detroit News reporter Robert Snell breaks down the whole story in his Twitter feed. Passenger Dan Black was met by police and bomb-sniffing dogs after a brief exchange with Clarke on an airplane. Clarke's texts make it clear he called in the cavalry to investigate Black for the crime of disrespecting a man with 30 fake medals pinned to his chest, but later the big, bad sheriff claimed he felt menaced by that scary dude standing over him. The FBI investigation was eventually dropped, and thus it is FAKE NEWS to report that it ever existed.

The former Milwaukee sheriff has now deleted this tweet where he instructed his followers to assault members of the press. "Punch them in the nose & MAKE THEM TASTE THEIR OWN BLOOD." But don't go thinking Twitter made him take it down in response to the thousands of reports that he was inciting violence! He just loves to play with those snowflake libs who are triggered by the sight of his swag hats.

Heaven forfend! Not a can of tweet rear-end whoopin'! Is the Sheriff of Crazytown going to open up on us again with a bunch of fabricated quotes from Hillary Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, and Thomas Jefferson? Or just shout some more about how OWNED we are?

Okay, endless screaming it is. In case you aren't up on Clarke's horrorshow bio, he presided over a Milwaukee prison where four people died, including a man who was deprived of water for seven days and a newborn who died while his mother gave birth in shackles. Clarke is named in several lawsuits for misconduct while in office, and this June a jury awarded $6.7 million to a woman who was repeatedly raped by a guard in Clarke's prison when she was a pregnant teenager.

Clarke is a truly terrible person, so naturally Donald Trump loves him. Clarke resigned as sheriff in August of 2017, announcing he was headed to work at the Department of Homeland Security. To which we said in the Sekrit Chat Cave, "LOL! Like that guy could ever pass a security clearance!"

That job never came through, so now he spends his time shouting loony shit on Fox teevee and publishing occasional articles with titles like, "Systemic Racism is So Rare in America, the Media Just Can't Stop Lying About It." Plus, the tweeting. The guy tweets A LOT.

And who says the GOP is a bunch of dimwitted goons playing dress up and jerking off in a mirror while growling, "You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME?"

Hey now, you're a rockstar! Get the show on, get paid!

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Only for you would we read that lunatic's Twitter feed! Please money us, since all our braincells just died!

[Business Insider]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Robbin Young. Fair use so we can all see the boob picture she sent to her 12 true loves.

Robbin Young starred in the Roger Moore masterpiece For Your Eyes Only as the seventh female lead, "Girl in Flower Shop." She also starred in a bunch of Playboys, and the DM's of a humble Romanian hacker who stole her heart. But he was not a humble Romanian hacker, he was 12 Russian military intelligence officers in a trench coat. And now Young has shared those DMs and pictures of her buzzies with the Sun, because that's the one that's fookin' classy.

See how she loved! See how Guccifer ghosted her ass! See how she loves him (them) still! See how she was all up in Seth Rich and shit! (We think Young's judgment might not be awesome.) Also she wrote this "erotic poem," and we're going to need you to read it.

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And now it is time for your weekly reminder that in the Trump era, FUCKING APESHIT OUTRAGE WORKS.

On Monday, Donald Trump, the transactional president who for some godforsaken reason sees Vladimir Putin has his one true father, discussed making an Art Of The Deal with Russia that involved letting Robert Mueller interrogate the Russian spies who hacked America in 2016 (with Russian supervision, of course, in Russia) in exchange for sending Putin whichever American citizens hurt Putin's poor fragile butthurt pansy-ass feelings the past several years. One of Putin's targets is Michael McFaul, the former ambassador to Russia, whom Putin just hates. Hillary Clinton isn't on the official list yet, but give it a few weeks.

On Wednesday, Sarah Huckabee Sanders looked at reporters and told them Trump's people were considering the idea, but hadn't decided yet, because it's so hard for the Trump administration to decide how many treasons to do per week.

But hooray! The White House has decided that, after literally every American with a patriotic bone in his or her body said, "THE FUCK YOU SAY," they will not send Americans to Putin's gulag after all. The Washington Post reports:

The White House announced Trump's opposition Thursday as the Senate prepared to vote on a resolution telling the president not to honor Putin's request, which would have exposed former U.S. ambassador Michael McFaul, among others, to Russian questioning.

"It is a proposal that was made in sincerity by President Putin, but President Trump disagrees with it," White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said in a statement.

Oh my fucking Lord, Shuckabee, did you really type that Putin's offer was "sincere," or did Donald grab the statement after you finished with it and add those words in illiterate Sharpie in the margins, along with "DOES NOT MEAN PUTIN IS NOT MY BEST FRIEND" and "NO COLLUSION"?

By the way, that resolution passed the Senate with flying colors:

WOMP WOMP, Trump! Sorry American freedom and democracy stepped all over your dick again! Guarantee it's gonna happen again! Go fuck yourself! Enjoy the 48 Big Macs you have for dinner tonight! Don't talk directly into the soccer ball Putin gave you, 'less you want it to talk back to you in Russian!

OK post over.

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[Washington Post]

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