Rex Tillerson: Making Naptime Great Again!

How can people who lie ALL THE TIME be so bad at it? And why do they waste their energy lying about the stupidest shit? Hey, NEWSFLASH! If you're trying to quiet rumors that your boss might be quitting his job, don't go on live television and get all cagey and defensive about him taking a few days off.

If Rex Tillerson's staff just calendared him for a couple of personal days in July, no one would care. Of course he wants to get out of town -- DC is a miserable swamp in July! Plus, it's not like he does anything when he's here anyway. Yeah, the guy does seem to need a lot of naps. But we're all busy with the health care nightmare right now, so if the the Secretary needs to slip away for a little Texas siesta, Vaya con dios, Papi!

If you want to get cute, tell us he's spending time with his beloved grandchildren. We'll still think he's a soulless oil baron, but no one's going to write a story about it. Whatever you do, don't freak out at reporters for daring to ask where he is!


Well, alright then! That was State Department Spokeswoman Heather Nauert losing her mind on C-SPAN, which immediately tweeted the exchange. Because that shit is funny!

Reporter: Can you say why we're not being told where he is?

Nauert: Well, he does have the...He does have the ability to go away for a few days on his own. Just takin' a little time off. He's had a lot of work, he just came back from that, uh, mega-trip overseas. As you all well know, many of you were there for the G20. And his other travel as well. So he's entitled to take a few days himself.

Maybe if you all hadn't spent years speculating that Hillary Clinton was an obese epileptic whose brain was being devoured by flesh-eating bacteria, you wouldn't be stuck pretending that everyone in Trumpland possesses superhuman stamina.

But you could at least make an effort to come up with a decent cover story when your boss can't keep up with Hillary's 207,000 miles in her first year as Secretary of State. Tell them he's clearing brush like George W. Bush, or deerhunting -- something manly.

President George W. Bush clears cedar at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, Friday, Aug. 9, 2002. WHITE HOUSE PHOTO BY ERIC DRAPER

Because when reporters ask, "Where's Rex?" and you answer, "HE WORKS HARD, DAMMIT!" we start to wonder if Uncle Rex is going out for a pack of smokes and never coming back. The man already had to skip out of meetings in Israel and South Korea to get some shut-eye. Is he going to have to recuperate in Texas after every "mega-trip"?

Yeah, that'll do the trick. Tell the reporters a preposterous lie that Secretary Naptime is working 20 hours a day on his vacation. Brilliant strategy, Heather!

And we all know Rex Tillerson has "the ability to go away for a few days on his own." It's not like he's a black guy playing golf.

Oh, Hai, Fox News Lady Heather Nauert taking potshots at Obama for golfing in 2015! Please, wow us some more with your amazing PR skills!

Reporter: Of course. I don't think anyone's arguing against that. But why not just say he's on vacation then?

Nauert: I don't know what is standard for Secretaries of State. How they actually list private days. Ummm, I can check to see what the prior arrangements were.

Why would anyone think Rex Tillerson is having a problem running the State Department? Sure, he's been in office for six months and still doesn't know how to fill out his schedule. But he couldn't possibly have asked any of the 69,000 State Department employees about protocol -- can't trust any of those Deep State Obama holdovers!

How in the world do these vicious rumors of a Rexit get started? Darn you, Reuters!

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has told friends he will be lucky to last a year in his job, according to a friend, while two officials said national security adviser H.R. McMaster was frustrated by what he sees as disorganization and indiscipline on key policy issues inside the White House.

A source familiar with the situation told Reuters that Tillerson was "very upset at not having autonomy, independence and control over his own department and the ability to do the job the way the job ... is traditionally done."

Nauert may not have any friends at the State Department to help her with protocol issues. But she does know where to go for career advice. Tillerson's spokestwit closed out the exchange by vowing to consult AP reporter Matt Lee if she has further questions. So much winning!

Oh, Heather! You are never, ever getting that red scrunchie!

[Reuters / WaPo / C-SPAN / Vice / Business Insider]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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