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Rick Perry: 'I Am A Huge Alcoholic. Therefore, Gays.'

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Rick Perry is so smart now with his supersexxxy Clark Kent glasses. (Shut up, yes he is!) He is very intelligent now, and the reason you know he is all intellectual-like is he made an an-al-ogy about how homos puttin' their wangs in each other's no-no's is just like bein' a alcoholic. Like him! Rick Perry!

“I may have the genetic coding that I’m inclined to be an alcoholic, but I have the desire not to do that, and I look at the homosexual issue the same way.”

As ThinkProgress points out, Perry has never loved men who love men. When the Supreme Court struck down Texas laws against sodomy, he called them "nine oligarchs in robes."

(We'd say Rick Perry forgot the existence of Rehnquist, Thomas and Scalia -- oops -- but he's probably one of the idiots who think the Supreme Court has 12 justices all together, in which case his math would be right, marred only by being based on a faulty premise caused by being Rick Perry.)

Anyway, Rick Perry is an alcoholic, so gay people should just shut up and put their dicks in a lady. Maybe not all the same lady. Seems like it might get crowded in there.

[SFGate]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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OK everyone, hello! It was a really shitty week with Trump's BABY JAILS and whatnot, right? And we cried and we cried, but then we got MAD. Are you MAD BRO? Because this shit is not going to stand and we are more fired up than ever to make things better, to register people to vote, to pick them up in our car so they can go vote, and also all the other stuff too. BRB TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK NOW. That is how we are right now! So are you! Start by marching with Wonkette next week!

Also, please look above, as that is a picture of Wonkette toddler getting SWIMMING LESSONS. Isn't that the greatest?

OK, we are continuing our tradition of making the top ten post even shorter than ever before, because gotta get on the road and go to Nashville BRB GOING TO NASHVILLE NOW.

Stories chosen by Beyoncé, as per usual:

1. Why Are You Peeing On Yourself, Donald Trump, Jr.? (ALLEGEDLY)

2. Ann Coulter's America Will Die if Baby Jails Go Away, So That's Something!

3. Yes, Trump Is Stealing Children. But You Can DO Something.

4. Baby Jails? Goddamn Motherfucking BABY JAILS?

5. Trump's 500 Days Of Bummer

6. The 987,386 Most Fucked Up Lies Our Shithead President Told This Morning

7. Happy Father's Day, Roger Stone! YOU ARE THE COLLUSION!

8. Michael Cohen Slams Baby Jails On His Way To Grownup Jail

9. Awwwww Rudy Giuliani, YOU FUCKING SCARED?

10. Trump Foundation Fuckery? WHO KNEW!

So there you go. Those are your top ten most clicked upon stories, according to Beyoncé. They are very good stories!

OH HEY, one more thing. Know how Wonkette is fully funded by readers like you, and that's how we have salaries and servers and healthcare and liquor? If you want Wonkette to be here FOREVER, you gotta help us out, so won't you click here to do a $10 donation, or even better, a monthly subscription? WE LOVE YOU, YOU PAY OUR RENT.

Let's see ... anything else? Nope, BYE.

Yours in baby Jesus,

Wonkette

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The great journalists at the National Enquirer regularly sent advance digital copies of stories about Donald Trump and his political opponents to Michael Cohen, according to a story in the Washington Post, which cited "three people with knowledge of the matter" as sources. Probably Trump was one of them, you know how he is.

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