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Rick Perry Indicted, Must Now Resign According to Rick Perry

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Considering that the past week was basically terrible, awful, THE WORST EVER, it's nice that we were treated to this delightful Friday night news dump that Gov. Rick Perry (R-Can't Remember) is facing up to a century of prison time for "intentionally or knowingly" abusing the power of his office to do naughty things:


Perry found himself indicted by an Austin grand jury for two felonies: abuse of official capacity, and coercion of a public official.

The charges come as a result of a long-running power struggle involving Travis County District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg. A Democrat, Lehmberg runs the Public Integrity Unit, which investigates public corruption and is a thorn in the side of some state elected officials. In April 2013, Lehmberg caught a DWI, and Perry’s office tried to muscle her out. It looked improper, especially because Lehmberg was in the middle of an investigation into the state’s crooked cancer research institute.

Whether Perry actually broke the law, which itself is sort of unclear, is not for us to judge or even try to explain because legal types far smarter than us are confused. Although we should note that in Texas, you can be innocent and yet still imprisoned or even executed, so what the hell, let's prematurely jump to conclusions and point and laugh and start imagining Perry in his prison jumpsuit.

Besides, Perry's possible innocence is beside the point. Once a public official runs "afoul of the law" -- meaning, of course, appearing to violate the law by being arrested or, say, indicted, even before being tried and convicted -- that official really should resign from office. It's the right thing to do. For the good of the people and public trust and other feel good Frank Capra stuff like that. At least, according to, guess who!, Rick Perry. Don't you just hate it when your own words come back to bite you in the ass like some wild coyote interrupting your morning jog, what needs to be shot?

Obviously, there is a compelling alternate theory that this is a partisan Demoncrat witch hunt, led by ... Republicans? Okay, scratch that. Here's a much more likely theory, courtesy of one Very Serious Legal Scholar Bryan Fischer:

Yup, that's probably it. Beware the mad-with-power open lesbians. Who knows which governor they'll indict next?

[Texas Observer]

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If you want to take the pulse of the nation, with regards to feminism and how people feel about it, who do you go to? Well, if you are Brian Kilmeade of Fox News, you go to Tomi Lahren. Last night, these two geniuses discussed a recent poll conducted by Refinery29 and CBS News showing that only 46% of millennial women consider themselves feminists. Tomi Lahren knows why that is, and it's because feminists refuse to embrace Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Obviously.

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It's still Omarosa week! Aren't you glad it's still Omarosa week and that we still get to talk about Omarosa a lot more????

No?

OK, us neither. There are a couple things we need to point out though. One is that the Trump campaign's lawsuit against Omarosa for breaking the terms of an unenforceable nondisclosure agreement is HORSESHIT. We'll lawsplain that at you later today. Another is that it really is super fucked up, and entirely expected, that Trump called Omarosa a "dog." He probably wanted to call her a bitch and thinks he behaved himself by using the word "dog." Sarah Huckabee Sanders cannot guarantee we will never hear the president on tape using the N-word, because she absolutely knows it almost 100% certainly happened.

Those are some things about our current Week Of Omarosa.

But wait, here's another thing!

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