Rick Perry, President Of The United States Of Texas, Sending Troops To Fight Evil Brown Kids

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Ugh, Rick Perry,you really are THE WORST.


Texas Gov. Rick Perry plans to announce he will activate the Texas National Guard at a news conference Monday in Austin, said state Sen. Juan “Chuy” Hinojosa, D-McAllen.

Hinojosa did not have details of the effort, but an internal memo from another state official’s office said the governor planned to call about 1,000 Texas National Guard troops to the Rio Grande Valley — at a cost of about $12 million per month.

I can give you at least three good reasons why this is some seriously all kinds of Texas-sized bull feces. And I don't even wear glasses.

Reason the first: SERIOUSLY? The bold plan to deal with the tens of thousands of unaccompanied minors just trying to infiltrate America with their filthy diseases and "criminality" to Live The American Dream because USA is No. 1!!!!!! is to greet them with troops to -- what? Shove guns in their faces and tell them to take their dirty undocumented blankies and go home, since, as we learned in California, screaming at them did not work, WHO COULD HAVE PREDICTED? Is this not a job Sean Hannity can handle his own self with the proper boat and a baseball cap and a big ol' keep-the-kids-away-gun?

Also, too, hmmmm. Armed (I assume they will be armed because how else will they defend themselves from the scary evil children?) troops facing off against kids who would just like to have some asylum, please, from the effed up countries they are fleeing -- what could go wrong? I mean, besides maybe someone shooting up some kids, but it's not like they weren't warned that this is America, damnit, brown children need not apply, so really, they're sort of asking for it, when you think about it.

Reason the second: SERIOUSLY? Texas is going to spend $12 million every month until, well, forever, I guess, to fight off them scary kids because Texas is so flush with cash that hey, why not? That's on top of the $1.3 million PER WEEK Texas is already spending "to combat human smuggling and drug trafficking," which is obviously working so well, which is why Texas will need to spend even more money since it is working so well, and Texas has all this extra money laying around, except for not exactly.

“It is not clear where the money will come from in the budget,” the memo states, adding that Perry's office has said the money will come from “non critical” areas, such as health care or transportation.

I guess the money will come from the same magical pot o' cash from which the Perry administration planned to cover its $35 million shortfall for women's health, after Perry told the federal government to shove its Medicaid dollars up its socialist government ass. For the unborn children. Because children. And life. And all that feel-good "pro-life" claptrap Republicans love to say even though they do not mean it at all because if they did, why aren't they embracing all these children -- for the children! -- instead of donning their tinfoil hats about how they might look like children, but really they are a highly organized gang of mini-criminals who want to destroy America from the inside, but after nap time.

Reason the third: SERIOUSLY? Rick Perry just finished explaining how he just finished explaining to President Obama that the "humanitarian crisis" of "these children, frightened and alone, who left their homes and families, survived a harrowing trip, and are now facing an unknown future" can only be solved by the federal government doing ... something. Not the something the president has proposed, obviously. Don't be stupid. Something else.

As I told the president, the first step is granting my long-standing request to send 1,000 National Guard troops to the border to supplement security efforts until a sufficient number of Border Patrol officers are hired, trained and deployed.

Oh right. The president needs to send troops to the border, which Perry has decided he will just go ahead and do on his own anyway, he doesn't need the stupid federal government, he hates the federal government, in fact he thinks divorcing the federal government might be just what Texas needs, except he said that a few years ago before his advisers whispered in his ear that expressing sympathy for secessionists is maybe not the best move for a man who has drug-fueled (for his back, uh huh) fantasies of being president of these United States of America Except Texas Maybe.

But Perry, who is smart now since he got those smart glasses, has even more great ideas for the president to address the humanitarian crisis of children.

The president needs to direct the Federal Aviation Administration to allow drones to monitor suspected illegal activity along the border and track those responsible. He also needs to work with Congress to revisit and modify existing laws, including a 2008 law that unintentionally makes it harder to deport individuals from countries other than Mexico and Canada. Such laws serve as magnets for illegal immigrants, who are hearing that if they or their children make it to the U.S. they can stay indefinitely, without consequence.

Got it. Drone the suspicious-looking kids (sure, he looks like he's sucking his thumb, but he's probably plotting to blow up a building or sell some drugs, he just has that look, you know?); work with Congress even though Obama is constantly trying to work with Congress, and Congress is constantly telling him to blow himself because it's too busy with BENGHAZI! or just not working at all, which is maybe why Congress is less popular than head lice and cockroaches; and of course SEND A MESSAGE to those disgusting not-Americans that if they or their disgusting not-American children think they can just up and come to America like every other American except for the Native kind has done since the beginning of America, well, they are going to get consequenced right in the face.

Maybe it is not that bad, and I'm being some kind of hysterical lady liberal getting hysterical because the idea of sending troops to militarize the border to keep the children away gives me icky feelings. The memo describing Perry's Excellent Adventure clearly states, "This is not a militarization of the border." Just because Perry is sending troops to "patrol" the border and keep an eye out for "any drug and human trafficking" does not mean he is militarizing it, even though it sounds like that's what he's doing, doesn't it? Gee. Gosh. Wow.

Of all of the dumbtastic ideas conservatives have pulled from their collective arseholes to deal with our many immigration issues -- and hoo boy howdy, they have had some profoundly dumb ideas, from building A REALLY SUPER BIG WALL to buying first class airline tickets to send these kids home in style (maybe with an extra bag of free peanuts!) -- basically declaring war on children seems like a strong contender for most dumbtastic idea ever, during which a million different things could go wrong, and probably will go wrong, and good god, what kind of cold-hearted asshole sees tens of thousands of scared children turning to USA! USA! We're No. 1! America FUCK YEAH! as a threat that must be confronted with the goddamned military?

Rick Perry, that's who.

[The Monitor via HuffPo]

Follow Kaili Joy Gray on Twitter. Just do it. Don't argue, or she'll send the troops.

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