Rick Perry Resigning To Spend More Time With His Subpoenas

Governor Goodhair is taking his mousse and going back to Texas. Bloomberg was first to report that Rick Perry tackled Donald Trump on Air Force One like a process server to drop his quitfire notice. Well, to be fair, Bloomberg was second, since the New York Times reported it two weeks ago, only to have Perry accuse them of Fake News.

But don't panic, guys. Donald Trump was quick to assure his fans in Texas that Perry's replacement WILL HAVE A PENIS, saying, "It's a man that we're going to be putting in Rick's place." Whew, glad we dodged that tampon, huh?

So why is Perry noping out now? Is he still moping about the failure of his plan to make it illegal to close coal plants because of "national security"? Or was this dash for the exit precipitated by Perry's realization that he is up to his SMRT glasses in impeachment shit? Because every day another damning detail of the administration's efforts to shake down Ukraine surfaces, and Rick Perry's idiot finger prints are all over it.

Faced with career professionals like NSC aide Fiona Hill and former ambassador to Ukraine Marie Yovanovitch who refused to conscript the power of the US government to bully Ukraine into investigating his crackpot theories, Trump turned to the self-styled "three amigos," Perry, EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, and representative to Ukraine Kurt Volker. Because when you need someone who's not going to think too hard about the legal and national security consequences, Rick Perry is your man!

Perry confirmed to the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday that he reached out to the president's personal lawyer about preconditions Ukraine would have to meet for a phone call with Trump. But not for instructions, per se. It was more like, umm, just getting a feel for the president's thinking.

At Mr. Trump's direction, the energy secretary said, he called Mr. Giuliani looking for a better understanding of Mr. Trump's concerns.

"And as I recall the conversation, he said, 'Look, the president is really concerned that there are people in Ukraine that tried to beat him during this presidential election,' " Mr. Perry said. " 'He thinks they're corrupt and…that there are still people over there engaged that are absolutely corrupt.' "

Mr. Perry said the president's lawyer didn't make any explicit demands on the call. "Rudy didn't say they gotta do X, Y and Z," Mr. Perry said. "He just said, 'You want to know why he ain't comfortable about letting this guy come in? Here's the reason.'"

Which is what Gordon Sondland said like five news cycles ago before giving up the ghost and admitting he was totally getting his marching orders from Rudy, but saying he had to because Trump made him do it. Perry and Sondland are on the same page with their bullshit denials that they had ANY IDEA that the president's fixation on Burisma had anything to do with Joe Biden. The WSJ doesn't have the verbatim quote here, but we're guessing it was very carefully worded.

Mr. Perry also said he never heard the president, any of his appointees, Mr. Giuliani or the Ukrainian regime discuss the possibility of specifically investigating former Vice President Joe Biden, a Democratic presidential contender, and his son Hunter Biden.

UH HUH. Well, it's entirely possible that no one proposed an explicit deal to trade White House access and/or weapons dollars for an investigation of Hunter Biden's former employer. But the Journal reports Kurt Volker discussed it with the delegation sent to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky's inauguration in May -- a delegation which included Rick Perry and Gordon Sondland.

During the May trip, Mr. Volker informed the other members of the delegation of press reports detailing Mr. Giuliani's efforts to call for investigations in Ukraine, including into Mr. Biden and possible election interference, according to a person familiar with the matter. The group was surprised to learn what Mr. Giuliani had been doing, the person said.

Besides which, Rudy Giuliani had been going on television screaming about Joe and Hunter Biden every night and he managed to snooker the New York Times into running the story on its front page. But GO OFF RICKY about not knowing what the president was after with his "anti-corruption" demands.

Plus, there's that whole awkward business of the AP report that Perry and Sondland handed Zelenskiy a list of candidates for the board of Ukraine's state-owned natural gas company, and that two of Perry's own donors were on it. As Rick Perry might say, OOOOPS!

Sadly, the Energy Department will have to do without Rick Perry. They'll have to find some other white dude with a penis to extol America's holy virtue as an exporter of "freedom gas" to cook the planet. But if this guy thinks he'll escape congressional scrutiny by gettin' outta Dodge, he's even dumber than we thought he was. Which is really saying something!

[Bloomberg / WSJ]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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