Rick Perry To Join Vanilla Ice And Ryan Lochte On Reality Dancing Show Because America
Are you currently in the middle of a bad dream caused by anxiety or indigestion or is former Texas governor Rick Perry about to be shaking his groove thing right at you on TV's Dancing With The Stars, along with Vanilla Ice and Ryan Lochte? No! You are not! You are awake and reading this news and it's a real thing, along with the fact that Gene Wilder is dead and Brock Turner is getting out of jail at the end of this week after having only served half of his very-short-to-begin-with sentence and the fact that OH MY GOD DONALD TRUMP IS ACTUALLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. All of these things should, by all rights, be part of some terrible fever dream or maybe a bad trip or a particularly weird Simpsons episode. But they are not!
Anyway! Yes, it's true! Rick Perry is going to be on Dancing With The Stars. And so is Vanilla Ice, a person who makes his living off of being a one-hit-wonder that doesn't make any more music but still goes away. The last we heard of him, he was on some reality show where he lived with Amish people, and no, that is not a fever dream either! That is also a real thing that happened. As did the phrase "my Amish ninjas," as I am hearing right now as the automatic video plays on that link I just dropped. Ryan Lochte will also be on this program, because sure, let's give that dude some nice publicity! Why not! It's not like he's some kind of awful human being or anything.
Amber Rose will also be on this program, but she is super awesome and bad ass. Maybe she will destroy them? I believe she has that power.
Here is a picture of Perry and his dancing partner. Given that Perry is well-accustomed to telling women what to do with their bodies, he will probably take to leading quite nicely. Though we darest not speculate on his rhythmic capabilities.
[wonkbar][/wonkbar]As mentioned in this tweet, Rick Perry will be dancing for a veteran's charity of some kind, which will totally make up for that time he refused a Medicaid expansion that would have provided healthcare to around 49,000 low-income veterans!
Will we get to see Perry in his best gorilla suit doing the hand jive or something? Will he recycle his awesome rap-country campaign song that we definitely did not hear enough of this year? I guess we will have to wait to find out!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse