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Rick Santorum Exposes Horrors of Gay Marrying With Boozey Metaphors

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Hello, everyone, it's your Reporter of the Homosexuals, risen from the ashes like the phoenix once again, here to bring you glad tidings of icky gayness andRick Santorum. It's getting hard out there for a bigot, it is, as pretty much every euphemistic argument they've come up with in order to avoid clutching their pearls, screaming "God Hates Fags!" and retiring to their secret leathersex dungeons in frustration has been summarily pointed at, laughed at and peed on by reason, common sense and, increasingly, the American judicial system. What, oh what, does a wingnut have to do these days to convince normal, non-sexually stunted people that the Big Jeebs really, really does hate 'dem gaywads and is going to send them to a fiery hell for all eternity? Could, apropos of nothing, random household items like paper products or beer be the key to understanding? Let's watch some of Rick Santorum's suggestions!


Well now, we have an answer, as Ol' Frothy Mix has come to the rescue, and he's got a bag of metaphors with him! For example, let's say a person finds himself in the grocery store, lingering a bit too long in the produce section, gazing lustily at succulent, slutty cucumbers. This person may be at risk of sudden gay! Luckily, Rick Santorum is just around the corner explaining to everyone that, due to the fact that napkins are not paper towels, burn in hell, queers! (Start at 2:00 or so.)

YEAH, gays! Rick Santorum just wiped the floor with YOU, and then he used the same paper towel to wipe up the fresh batch of santorum he left on the floor, and y'all know why? Because paper towels put their penises in vaginas, is why.

Oh, not convinced yet? Well, perhaps if Rick points out that a glass of (nelly-ass titty baby) water is simply not the same thing as a (pro-America lady-loving) glass of beer, his lessons will find their way through everybody's thick skulls:

ASSIGNMENT: pick up any two objects, write a letter to your nearest Congresscritter 'splaining how they are not the same thing as one another, then call your nearest housepet a faggot.

America the beautiful is restored! [Truth Wins Out/Think Progress]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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