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  • You might think Christians get all the breaks in this U.S. of America, but you are SO wrong. What with activist judges cramming marriage equality down everyone's throats, and schoolchildren denied the god-given right to learn the God made the Earth, which is the center of the universe, in a few days, then rested, then wrote the Constitution -- well, it's basically exactly like Nazi Germany, when you think about it. You remember how the Nazis killed all those persecuted Christians, don't you? Plus a few Jews who were so dumb, they didn't even think to move. Here, let Rick Santorum explain:

    People don’t realize that Germany, prior to the Nazis, was a very religious country. It was a very Christian country. It was a very sophisticated country. A very advanced civilization, very erudite group of folks who were who were running it. And the idea that you could have this type of religious persecution take place over a period of 10 years. We go from Christians, also Jews obviously, but also Christians, being not just persecuted but put to death, like Bonhoeffer himself was, was unfathomable. You wonder sometimes why didn’t the Jews see this and move? Couldn’t they see it? It was unfathomable to them that a country like this could happen.

    Same thing here. I mean, you think it’s just impossible for that to happen in America. And maybe it is. But maybe it isn’t. But what we do know is that if we continue down this path, that things are not going to get better, and that the chance of something really bad beginning to happen, where your faith is really constrained, or your lives are really in danger, becomes a possibility down the road.

    That's not exactly how we learned it, but sure, why not? The Holocaust was about secularists who didn't even believe in the First Amendment killing all the good Christians. And it's happening again -- right here, right now -- pretty much just like that. Except this time, the Jews are safe, we guess. Or, okay, maybe it's not happening right this second, but it could! It could happen any second now, or in the next few years. Really! Unless you vote for Rick Santorum for president in 2016. (He didn't say that part, but we're reading between the lines.) We have yet to hear if any of Rick's family has been rounded up, put on a train, and sent off to a labor FEMA camp, forced to pray to a false idol, but we'll be sure to let you know if we hear something. Just don't hold your breath. You could be waiting a looooooong time. And of course if we do get news of that, we can all wonder aloud why Rick Santorum and his family were too dumb to just move somewhere else before it was too late.

  • A spider the size of a puppy:

    If you shriek in fear at the sight of the tiniest of spiders, you may want to avoid the rainforests of Suriname, Guyana, northern Brazil and southern Venezuela, where the Goliath birdeater dwells! Listed in the Guinness World Records as the world's biggest spider, the terrifying-looking arachnid weighs a hefty six ounces, (almost the same weight as a newborn puppy), and has a leg span that extends out 11-inches (the size of a child's forearm).

    And yes, there are pictures.

  • One of the Duggars -- no, not that one, one of the other ones -- gets married. Our friends at Happy Nice Time People have the latest Duggar news for you:

    Jill kicks things off by telling us we’re 36 hours away from the “I do’s.” “It seems like it’s taken forever to get here,” she says. Amen, sister. And with two hours to fill, it’ll seem like another eternity before we get around to walking down the aisle.

    In the reception hall at the mega church, the wedding planner is gathering all the volunteers together for a training session. More than 200 people have volunteered to help out, thinking maybe this’ll be their big chance to make it on the bewb tube. Too bad, suckers! The scene ends before the meeting even gets started.

    (I’ve learned not to try to figure this type of pointless scene is included at all; that way lies madness.)

    It’s 26 hours until vow time, Jill tells us. Holy shit, that volunteer meeting lasted 10 hours? I’m guessing the first four were instructions on how to hang the decorations and the last six were cleaning up the splattered brains of all the volunteers who offed themselves from boredom.

    Be sure to follow Happy Nice Time People for the latest boob tube news.

  • BREAKING: When it comes to dating, or "dating," people care about looks:

    Tinder’s engagement is staggering. The company said that, on average, people log into the app 11 times a day. Women spend as much as 8.5 minutes swiping left and right during a single session; men spend 7.2 minutes. All of this can add up to 90 minutes each day.

    While conventional online dating sites have been around longer, they haven’t come close to the popularity of Tinder. Scientists and relationship specialists who study online dating suggest it isn’t what Tinder is doing correctly, but rather what earlier dating sites have done wrong.

    Services like eHarmony, OKCupid and Match.com have proclaimed that their proprietary algorithms could calculate true love, or that math equations could somehow pluck two strangers to live happily ever after. That appears to be more fiction than fact.

    All that really matters, according to scientific researchers I spoke with from Northwestern University and Illinois State University, at least in the beginning of relationship, is how someone looks. (Of course, these companies disagree.)

  • Mallory Ortberg is a genius:

    Dear Applicant,

    Thank you for your recent inquiry about hearing both sides. According to our records, this marks the fourth submission in as many days as to whether or not we have heard both sides. We regret to inform you that we have not.

    On March the 2nd, you interrupted a conversation by asking “In fairness, have you heard both sides?”

    You really should go read the whole thing. Really.

  • Brittany Maynard, who was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer and made public her decision to exercise her right to die under Oregon state law, died on Saturday.

    "Goodbye to all my dear friends and family that I love. Today is the day I have chosen to pass away with dignity in the face of my terminal illness, this terrible brain cancer that has taken so much from me … but would have taken so much more," she wrote on Facebook. "The world is a beautiful place, travel has been my greatest teacher, my close friends and folks are the greatest givers. I even have a ring of support around my bed as I type … Goodbye world. Spread good energy. Pay it forward!"

    We are decent people (sometimes), and respect Ms. Maynard's decision to end her life with dignity, as is her right and her choice. We have only sympathy for her family and the loss they have experienced. Because we are decent people. But if you want to know the "thoughts" of truly not decent people, who have terrible things to say about Ms. Maynard and are suffering the delusion that she should have allowed her disease to kill her painfully and slowly because God or whatfreakingever, well, you can go look on the interwebs. They're out there.

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Image: Marriott Hotels

Great GOP wordsmith Frank Luntz, the guy who gave us the "death tax" and who urged the George W. Bush administration to talk about "climate change" since it was less politically motivating than "global warming," did some more of his characteristic word magic today! While staying at the Hotel Imperial in Vienna, Austria, Luntz offered this cautionary tale about the evils of socialism, as illustrated by the shoddy conditions in a 5-star luxury hotel owned by Dubai's "Al Habtoor" conglomerate and operated by Marriott:

Talk about your grim hellholes! Apparently, there's only one elevator in the entire building, and it's been broken for three days, proving that European-style socialism is a failure that should never be imported to the USA, where -- damn it! -- all buildings work!

As some smartass pointed out, now Luntz may have to take the STAIRS, like a common Bolshevik!

We're still trying to get our heads around how a delay in getting an elevator fixed in a luxury hotel owned by the United Arab Emirati proprietors of Dubai's

  • Habtoor Grand Resort
  • Waldorf Astoria Dubai Palm Jumeirah
  • Habtoor Palace, LXR Hotels & Resorts
  • V Hotel, Curio Collection by Hilton
  • Hilton Dubai Al Habtoor City
  • Metropolitan Hotel Dubai
  • Al Habtoor Polo Resort

as well as

  • Imperial Hotel, a Luxury Collection Hotel, Vienna (Austria)
  • Hilton London Wembley (United Kingdom)
  • Hilton Beirut Habtoor Grand (Lebanon)
  • Hilton Beirut Metropolitan Palace (Lebanon)
  • President Abraham Lincoln Springfield – a DoubleTree by Hilton Hotel (United States)
  • InterContinental Budapest (Hungary)
  • The Ritz-Carlton, Budapest (Hungary)

is an example of the horrors of socialism, but then, we don't earn the big bucks like Luntz does. Austria is among the 14 richest countries in the world, so we're fairly certain it's not a commie hellhole. Then again, there is a very strong social safety net, so maybe people in subsidized housing stole all the elevator parts. Or perhaps the elevator would have been fixed sooner if only Austria didn't have such strong unions. It's a mystery.

Or maybe it's that NATIONAL socialism that's the problem, seeing as it has socialism RIGHT IN THE NAME!

Adolf Hitler, once a day labourer outside the Hotel Imperial Vienna, returned as the Führer and "delivered a speech to a rapturous crowd from [the hotel] suite's balcony, on 14 March 1938", according to www.famoushotels.org.

We suppose it's worth noting that the Imperial is decidedly not owned or operated by the Austrian government, where a far-Right coalition has recently imploded -- although maybe Luntz is confused about that, since official state guests are traditionally housed there. In any case, the elevator's busted, it's in Europe, Europe is socialist, and Frank Luntz is homesick for America, where no elevator ever goes unrepaired for an entire weekend. It simply has never happened because of our efficient free market!

Still, Luntz's tweet inspired some valuable reflections on how economic theory shapes the reality of everyday life. This is the kind of Austrian economics we can support.



In conclusion, capitalism always allocates resources efficiently and fairly, although that still doesn't explain why Frank Luntz has a job. And now it would be your DOKTOR ZOOM'S BIRTHDAY PARTY OPEN THREAD, if only the socialists would fix the elevator, the end.

Yr Wonkette is entirely supported by donations from you, the reader. Please send us money so socialists won't make us take the stairs.

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