Rick Santorum: The Only Presidential Candidate Willing To Fist You With Your Own Moneys

Just a few weeks ago, we were very excited to hear that the frothy mix of a man known as Rick Santorum was thinking of lubing up and sliding right into the 2016 Republican primaries, so that he could lose again, because his only known skill is losing. (He's VERY good at it.) And now that day has come! Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for US American President Wednesday in Cabot, Pennsylvania, a state that fired his ass from being senator, by double digits. You are probably wondering what lovely things will be on his campaign platform. Will it be the thing about how you're not really doing Jesus-approved sex, unless you are barebacking? Will it be about how much he despises Americans, for their erotic freedoms, which are obviously not as important as religious freedom? Will he ban all the abortions, to get revenge on his wife's hot abortionist ex-lover? It is all of these things and more, we will tell you it now!

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Tell us how you will Take America Back, Mr. Santorum!

First of all, we will, for the first and only time EVER, say "bless you, Rick Santorum," because there were NO bullshit intro speakers, NO bad musical performances or ANYTHING. The Santorum clan (sans the cuddly dead fetus ) hit the stage and BAM! he started talking. It went downhill from there.

Santorum pulled out a piece of coal and said that's where his story started, with lots of coal. But Santorum's family didn't come to America for coal, they came for Rick Santorum hoisting a big American flag into the air, apparently. All the morons in attendance clapped and cheered.

Santorum explained that all the politicians who came before him had "no plan and no hope," and to that he says "NO LONGER!" He then officially said that he is running for president, and a whole roomful of Dumbs blew a gasket.

Here are the things you need to know about how Rick Santorum is going to Take America Back. Follow along:

• "Step 1 in taking back America, step 1, let's scrap the corrupt federal tax code and the IRS that goes with it." Hurray!

• He said he "will revoke every executive order and regulation that cost American jobs," and will stop that evil she-beast Hillary Clinton and her big business buddies from importing "unskilled labor," which is apparently his dogwhistle for "Messicans."

• He will make sure that the answer to "is our children learning?" is yes, because he will "drive a stake in the heart of Common Core."  No, we still do not understand why wingnuts are so het up about Common Core.

• Rick Santorum knows that ISIS thinks that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are REAL pussies. Rick Santorum, on the other hand, was in ISIS's version of Tiger Beat magazine, in a glossy article about how tough Rick Santorum is, and how big his dick is, and how scared ISIS is of him, because they KNOW WHO HE IS. Of course, the same article mentioned former Virginia state Sen. Dick Black, who sends baby fetus dolls to his coworkers. Maybe ISIS just wanted to write about Americans what have weird fetus fetishes.

• Obligatory abortion comment: "As president, I will stand for the principle that every life matters: the poor, the disabled, and the unborn!" He also said that he will stand for religious freedom, blah blah blah.

• You can't trust the other candidates, Santorum said, because they SAY things, but they don't deliver. He listed a bunch of shit he supposedly accomplished, like ending welfare (who knew?) and repeated over and over again, "I delivered!" Okay.

• He may have lost in the 2012 primaries, but this is just proof that he CAN TOO win this time, because 4 million people voted for him.

• Best moment in the entire speech: Santorum said he knows where people's money belongs, and it is "IN the American worker" who earned it. That's right, folks. Rick Santorum is going to LITERALLY FIST you with your own money. LUBE UP!

And then it was over, and Rick Santorum didn't even talk about traditional marriage or how gross the gays are, and that should tell you everything you need to know about just how lost that particular culture war is for wingnuts. When Rick Fucking Santorum makes it through a speech without gay-bashing? Dang, the world has changed.

Rick Santorum Gives Us The Gift Of Song

Now that you are fully aroused by the idea of a Santorum candidacy, you probably are in the mood to dance, so here is Rick Santorum's official campaign theme song, which you can download for your workout playlist for the price of one campaign donation. The song sucks very badly, and is also hilarious, because it is called "Take Back America," and it encourages us to "UNLEASH THE PRIDE." What kind of "pride," Rick Santorum? Certainly not THAT GAY KIND! It's probably "Santorum Pride," and all we know is that we don't want to be the ones cleaning up the street after THAT parade, ewwwww.

Also, who does he want to "Take Back America" from? Could he possibly be talking about the "BLAH" in the White House, maybe?

Of course, this whole song and dance may be a frothy mix of NOTHING, since Santorum might not even get to debate, because every person who ever lived hates him, and Fox News has "rules" about how people actually have to want you to run for president if you want to debate, which is NO FAIR.

Anyway, Rick Santorum for president, because yr Wonkette is very much looking forward to covering his campaign! While we all wait for him to start fucking up, 2016 campaign-style, please do enjoy the Rick Santorum's Greatest Hits sidebar, which we have lovingly constructed for you below.

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