GOP Civil War Canceled, Says Rick Scott Hiding Under Desk In Secured Location

Florida GOP Senator Rick Scott, who became chair of the National Republican Senatorial Committee (NRSC) in January, will not have you ruffians talking about any "GOP civil war." He insists in a laughably petulant message to "Republican voters, activists, leaders, [and] donors" that there is no such thing, and there won't be one on his watch, NO SIR. (The "sir" is Donald Trump, who certainly hasn't been threatening to form his own party or to take his large majority of remaining GOP members with him). So where's all this talk of a "Republican civil war" coming from? Political pundits, you see, who are trying to force the GOP to have one. Hence the subject line of Scott's communique, "REPUBLICAN CIVIL WAR HAS BEEN CANCELLED." And just in time for CPAC!

We can't imagine anyone, least of all Rick Scott, believes a word of Rick Scott's screed, but that doesn't mean it's not hilarious.

After a cursory dismissal of the Senate impeachment trial, which saw seven Republicans voting to convict Trump — the most members of a president's own party ever to vote for their own guy's guilt — Scott explains that GOP divisions are UNALLOWED, because Democrats pose the greatest threat to America since the last time Democrats posed the greatest threat to America. Not only do Democrats want eliminate US borders, destroy all the oil jobs, and allow "males to compete in women's sports," the Dems also want to take your tax dollars and pay for abortions in other countries (which, nah, not true).

In a line we're sure Scott (or whoever wrote it) thought was a real doozy, we're told those nasty Dems

have built an amazing military-style wall around the US Capitol, at the same time they are stopping construction on the wall at our southern border.

Saaaay, when did that fencing go up around the Capitol, and why? Never mind, it's time for more culture wars!

Oh, and they also want to cancel us, not simply from social media, but they also want to get you fired from your job, get your bank to drop you, make you unemployable in the future, re-educate you, and completely silence anyone who disagrees with their new woke version of socialism in America.

We really had no idea that was what we're really after. Our way doesn't sound very sportsmanlike. Also, Scott manages to say "socialist" or "socialism" six times in the fairly brief message.

But worst of all, faced with all the "far-left radicals" and their determination to "remake America in their image," which can only be a "disastrous, dystopian, socialist future," Scott warns there's an even greater threat, which is

a parade of pundits and even Republican voices suggesting we should have a GOP civil war


This does not need to be true, should not be true, and will not be true. Those fanning these flames, in both the media and our own ranks, desire a GOP civil war.

Isn't that sweet? In the middle of the fight between Trumpers, never-Trumpers, and people who are sick of the shambles the party has become, Rick Scott is promising to keep the GOP united, as if it hadn't already been tearing itself apart for months. It's a bit like he's sitting on the sidelines of the first Battle of Bull Run and singing "Give Peace a Chance." (Which as we all know was a big Confederate marching song.)

Nonetheless, Scott's message tries to impress upon Republicans the need for party unity while they're busy bashing each other's brains out. Democrats are the real enemy, and "For the first time in any of our lives, socialism has become the unabashed, governing policy of the Democrat Party." As opposed to all the other first times the Democrats have gone fully socialist, from the nomination of Franklin D. Roosevelt, through the passage of Medicare, right up to the election of Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Only this time the threat is real, just like it will be the next time some Republican asks for donations. Remember, he warns, if Democrats could cancel Donald Trump, they could cancel you too!

The truly hilarious thing about Scott's call for unity is that he doesn't bother identifying the factions that are at war — he doesn't have to, because he refuses to acknowledge there's any actual conflict, so why even bother identifying "sides"? It's just one big united party!

Some of you voted for President Trump enthusiastically, some with reservations, and some with great reluctance. It doesn't matter. We got 74 million votes, and we can easily add to our numbers if we work together.

So please, could we all work together for the good of America, and stop it with the stabbing each other? Scott simply doesn't mention, while whining about Democrats and cancel culture, the multiple moves by state Republican parties to censure and otherwise cancel Republicans who opposed Trump. That might be divisive.

Meanwhile, out in Realityland, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy and Conference Chair Liz Cheney, the number one and number three Rs in the House, had a fine little verbal spat on live TV today, to prove how united the party is. During a presser for GOP leadership, a reporter asked both of them if they thought Trump should speak at this weekend's Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), as Trump is firmly scheduled to do already. McCarthy answered with a curt "Yes he should," but Cheney demurred:

"That's up to CPAC. I've been clear in my views about President Trump and the extent to which following January 6, I don't believe he should be playing a role in the future of the party or the country."

McCarthy endured just a second of awkward silence, broken by a reporter coughing, and wrapped up the presser with "On that high note, thank you very much."

Then, presumably, both read Rick Scott's message and joined hands in unity so they could save America from socialism.

[NRSC / Talking Points Memo]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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