We were on the phone with our brother when this guy plopped his butt in front of us. "Hold on," we said, "Gotta take a picture of this cop's ass, for JOURNALISM."

Well hi there, are you enjoying the Republican convention from the comfort of your boudoir, far away from the madness that is Cleveland Of Ohio? Are you seeing all the crazy reports about how it's basically a paramilitary operation and stuff? (It is that.) Well, we are in Cleveland right now, and while utterly disturbing batshit was happening inside Quicken Loans Arena, we spent the first day of the RNC looking for whatever trouble we could find on the outside, and also not at all secretly taking pictures of hot cops like they are common sexxxy man meat, because why wouldn't we?

Our day started at the End Poverty Now march, which ended poverty RIGHT NOW. Every liberal-type group (and some anarchist stuff and lots of others too!) you can imagine was there. Planned Parenthood was there, Black Lives Matter was there, other organizations and movements whose names we didn't notice because we were about to have a heat stroke, they were there too!

Oh, and the police were there (hot cop pics coming, stay with us), in full force. They lined their bikes along the march's route, and you could not get on or get off unless you sprang way in front of the march or fell way back.

So! At the end of the march, with poverty being fixed and all, it was time for a beer. On the way to the hotel bar, we saw John Bolton, but he was just a LITTLE BIT too far away for us to puppy-tackle his mustache with love and beg him for a picture, AW NUTS. Maybe Tuesday! We saw Samantha Bee's bus, though, which is actually Herman Cain's bus with Sam's shit duct taped on. Wonkette approves:

After those beers, off to the convention entrance we went, where ALL manner of hooligans were gathered. The hellfire preachers, the Code Pink ladies, MSNBC reporters ... all the people your mom warned you about, basically. Here's Amy Goodman being bothered by a supporter of the Trump/Jesus 2016 ticket, and some other pictures of the scene:

So, funny story. See the "free hugs" girl? Well an open carry guy tried to go get a free hug and SCARED THE BEJESUS OUT OF HER. Stop scaring the bejesus out of people, you open carry fucks! Here is that guy:

While Melania Trump was inside the arena talking about her first date with Barack or whatever plagiarism she committed against Michelle Obama, we ate Cleveland BBQ, which is a thing, at a fine establishment called Mabel's. It is amazing. It is like German and Polish food had a baby with BBQ. We enjoyed it, and so did Republican political consultant Mike Murphy!

See? He is just like us, as we always suspected. Also, we spent dinner talking to the cutest Republican lobbyist named Steve. Hi, Steve!

Anyway, you have made it this far, so we will shower you with hot cops now. These are just SOME of the hottest ones we saw, because Cleveland apparently begged PD's around the country to send ONLY THE SEXXXIEST ONES, for #freedom and #America and stuff:

Oh yeah that's right.

Sassy! These are far away and on horseback, but we can assure you they were hot too:

That last one, he was our favorite.

Anyway, we finished our night, I and a couple of other libtard-type reporter people, hanging out with the NICEST Republican guys ever, Dave and Randy. They are with the Kansas delegation, they both supported Ted Cruz in the primary (!!!), but they are not #NeverTrump. We didn't hardly agree on anything, except for sort of sometimes we found that our end goals were not all that far off from each other, we just had WILDLY different ideas about how to get there. We agreed, wholeheartedly, that it is a hell of a lot of fun to drink a beer or nine with nice people you might not always run into in the confines of the comfort zones and echo chambers we create for ourselves, and that people need to do a lot more listening to each other, and a little less talking.

Or something like that, it was late and yr Wonket was drunk.

Anyway, here is a picture of us with our new friends Dave and Randy:

And that was Monday! Stay tuned for whatever shenanigans we decide to do the rest of the week, and also some more pictures of cops, because we have NO FUCKING SHAME.

Evan is gallivanting around the RNC all week. Follow him on the Twitterspace HERE.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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