Who wants to hang out with ten thousand MAGAts in 90 degree heat and one thousand percent humidity listening to Don Jr. barf out rancid nonsense about his father? How about if half the crowd refused to wear a mask, because their real daddy is Q, not that pansy Anthony Fauci?

Wait, where are you going?

Just six weeks ago President Shitmidas blew up two years of work and $38 million in donor cash, stomping out of North Carolina after Gov. Roy Cooper refused to guarantee that the GOP could hold a mask-free nominating convention in Charlotte sans social distancing. Because if the Gippers can't belch clouds of COVID into each other's faces, then the terrorists win!

So the president and the RNC decamped for Jacksonville, Florida, where Trump's little buddy Ron DeSantis would be only too delighted to host a superspreader event, no questions asked. Then Florida's covid numbers spiked, which is HOLY GOD HORRIBLE!, and too late the RNC realized they'd have been better off staying in North Carolina, which is HILARIOUS!

And now all the Gippers are remembering that they have to stay home and put the relaxer on their home perms on August 23, so they must regretfully decline the invitation to sweat with the oldies in Jacksonville. Even the prospect of seeing Matt Gaetz in a Speedo at TIAA stadium wasn't enough to entice them to attend. Hey, Ladiesssss!

Yesterday the New York Times had a rundown of all the Republican officials who have already noped out, including eight House members.

"Everybody just assumes no one is going," Illinois Rep. Darin LaHood told the Times.

Even Reps. Mario Diaz-Balart and Francis Rooney are staying the hell away, and they're from Florida!

Seven senators have already said they won't be there, including Grassley, Romney, Murkowski, Collins, Alexander, Blunt, and Kansas's Pat Roberts, who suddenly realized "I have some things to do in Kansas that I've got to do." Things like not die of COVID-19 when he's already retiring and doesn't have to worry about getting reelected, allegedly.

Luckily the GOP has come up with A PLAN to get this whole convention thing back on track. What if they host this party outside?

Naturally, Maggie Haberman got the inside scoop on the new agenda coming out of the White House.

Officials met Monday night to discuss shifting the events of Aug. 25, 26, and 27 out of the VyStar Veterans Memorial Arena, where the indoor program was scheduled to take place, including President Trump's acceptance speech on the final night. The two outdoor options they've been examining are near the arena, the people familiar with the discussions said.

Mr. Trump often shifts positions, and officials emphasized that the plans could change.

"Shifts position" being Timestalk for "is a rapidly degenerating lunatic who yanks the rug out from under his employees on the daily."

How will the RNC plan a party for 15,000 people who may or may not show up, with just a few weeks to find a venue and book the various food, swag, and security vendors? Not clear, particularly since they're having a hell of time raising money as polls show Trump heading for a historic loss. There's also the small matter of Florida experiencing unchecked community spread of coronavirus, with Duval County leading the state in cases, and no clarity on whether the city will have to go back into lockdown before the convention.

And not for nothing, but it was 84 degrees in Jacksonville at 8 p.m. on August 23, 2019. Which might be a little warm for delegates from, say, North Dakota huddled together on the blacktop listening to the Dear Leader give his acceptance speech. There's also the little matter of this plan requiring three straight days without rain, so the outdoor seating remains dry for the Trump fans' faithful fannies.

In summary and in conclusion, it's not safe enough for the GOP to hold an indoor convention, but your kids need to go back to school without restriction, ya whiners! The end.

[NYT / NYT, again]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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