Donald Trump's going to have to get out his magical weather map Sharpie again. Since coronavirus didn't disappear as promised, the RNC is contemplating shifting its nominating convention to an outdoor venue for safety. The only problem is, it gets kinda hot in Florida in August, and sometimes they have the occasional hurricane. Luckily, Trump controls NOAA, so he can ensure that it's 78 and sunny with a swipe of his pen!

Six weeks ago, the president blew up three years worth of planning and set fire to $38 million of already-spent donations by yanking his planned coronation from Charlotte, North Carolina, after that state's governor refused to promise to allow tens of thousands of strangers to jam into a convention hall to shout virus into each other's faces. Because if you allow for social distancing at your party convention, then the terrorists win! So he moved it to Florida, which promptly set about turning itself into a covid hotspot with cases spiking and hospitals dangerously close to reaching capacity. Dangit, DeSantis!

The city of Jacksonville, where Trump's convention is scheduled for August 23, currently has a mask requirement and an indoor capacity cap of 50 percent of normal occupancy. So now The Washington Post reports that Trump's crack team are pivoting yet again, and may hold Trump's Bareback Covidpalooza Magathon at an outdoor venue. Because nothing says fun like thousands of MAGA hatted delegates, many of them in suits and ties, baking in the Florida heat as they listen to endless speeches extolling the Dear Leader.

Possible venues include a minor league stadium, which seats 11,000, or TIAA Bank Field, home of the Jacksonville Jaguars. The venue is currently being used as a COVID testing site, and indeed Duval County has a 20.9 percent positive test rate. (OMG!)

During last year's season opener on September 8 against the Kansas City Chiefs, 86 people required medical attention due to the heat, with 18 requiring transport to a hospital.

Luckily Jacksonville Fire and Rescue will be on hand if the North Dakota delegation finds itself unaccustomed to the weather. Also, the stadium hosts an entire pool deck, so if you ever wanted to see Louie Gohmert in a Speedo, now's your golden opportunity.


Sadly, you won't get to see Ol' Yertle paddling around, since Leader McConnell has signaled he's having second thoughts about attending, telling the Post, "we'll have to wait and see how things look in late August to determine whether or not you can safely convene that many people." Senators Lisa Murkowski, Mitt Romney, Chuck Grassley, Lamar Alexander, and Susan Collins have already said they're not coming, and yesterday Pat Roberts remembered that he has to be back home in Kansas washing his hair that day.

"I have some things to do in Kansas that I've got to do," the retiring senator told the Post. "And unfortunately, I didn't know what was canceled and what was not or whatever, so I will probably not be [there]."

Oh, noes! What if Donald Trump threw himself a party and no one showed but ten thousand George Washington sex dolls? Like Tulsa, only ... worse? Gosh, that would be tragic. Better stock up on Sharpies.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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