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While you were watching John McCain's sad rotunda thingie and Aretha Franklin's joyful gospel funeral, Robert Mueller was a busy bee! We still don't know if there's going to be a big indictment later this afternoon, or if Mueller is just going to go put his swim trunks on and lie around on boats for Labor Day weekend, because fuck Trump and Rudy Giuliani's make-believe idea that Mueller can't do anything during an election season in which the president isn't even on the ballot.

For now, let's learn about W. Samuel Patten, who goes by "SammyCakes" with his closest friends (that's a lie we made up), and who has just pleaded guilty in Judge Amy Berman Jackson's courtroom!


A Washington consultant who advised a Ukrainian political party and worked with a co-defendant of Paul Manafort pleaded guilty Friday to failing to register as a foreign lobbyist while working on behalf of a Ukrainian political party.

W. Samuel Patten, 47, was charged with one count of violating the Foreign Agents Registration Act for failing to register with the Justice Department when he represented a Ukrainian political party known as the Opposition Bloc from 2014 through this year.

And was the "Opposition Bloc" a pro-Russia party? DUH NO SHIT. And the co-defendant he worked with? Oh, just Paul Manafort's Russian spy friend Konstantin Kilimnik, who goes by "KostiPants" with his closest friends (more lies). Kilimnik is indicted for witness tampering along with Manafort in Manafort's upcoming DC trial in the courtroom of ... Amy Berman Jackson! Of course, Kilimnik won't be there for the trial because he fled to Russia like a common fucking Russian spy baby who runs to Mommy Russia every time he gets indicted by the United States.

The rest of Manafort's indictment in that trial involves sexxxy terrible things like his own illegal foreign agent work and rampant money laundering, and so forth. In other words, we are getting much closer to the Russia shit, because remember, much of this work was done in service of Oleg Deripaska, AKA Putin's favorite oligarch.

We feel like we don't stress enough that Manafort was on the payroll of -- and strangely offered Trump campaign briefings to -- Deripaska, with whom he got totally sideways and needed to "get whole." And in being "Putin's favorite oligarch," Deripaska is basically an agent of the Kremlin. That's how Putin's Russia works.

But look, this isn't just "Oh Robert Mueller found a little thing to charge and he's gonna be a dick about it." Patten did lots more than just that FARA violation.

Patten also agreed he had steered an illegal foreign donation to Donald Trump's inauguration, telling prosecutors that he arranged for an American citizen to act as a "straw donor" to give $50,000 to Trump's inauguration in place of a Ukrainian businessman who was legally barred from contributing to the event.

Is that bad? Steering illegal foreign money into the Trump inauguration illegally? And who oversaw that mysterious Trump inauguration fund, which raised shitloads of money, much of which seems to have disappeared, since it certainly didn't cost more than five dollars and a sandwich to get Three Doors Down to perform at the Trump inauguration? That would be Trump's longtime closest buddy Tom Barrack.

Oh yeah also he lied to the Senate Intelligence Committee. So ... anybody else who lied to them? YOU might have a file in Robert Mueller's office right now!

And now this dude Samuel Patten, who goes by "Sammy Salami" among the folks in his mah jongg group (Wonkette full of lies today!), is pleading out on something little bitty and skating on all this other bigger shit, because HELLO, COOPERATING WITNESS! Or should we say COOPERATING WITCH-NESS, since this is a Witch Hunt?

This isn't part of the indictment, but careful observers should also note that Patten worked for SCL, the parent company of Cambridge Analytica back in 2014. Wonder what that's all about!

So this is all very awesome. Considering the timing, and how this happened in Amy Berman Jackson's courtroom, we are just guessing Patten will be ready and available to testify against Manafort in a few weeks.

In other words, SQUEEEEEEEZE, PAUL MANAFORT, SQUEEEEEEEEEZE!

Are you feeling squeezed yet, Paul Manafort? SQUEEEEEEEEZE!

In conclusion, SQUEEEEEEEEZE.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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