Robert Mueller Has 49 Questions For President Hugefuckingliar, So He Can Lie To Mueller 49 Times!


It's LEAK-THIRTY, kids! Yes, someone adjacent to the the "Rudy Giuliani" wing of the Trump legal team (we are guessing) has leaked to the New York Times 49 questions or topics or lines of inquiry Robert Mueller would like to discuss with Donald Trump, when they sit down for the interview that's never going to happen unless Trump wants to add "so much perjury" to his list of crimes. But maybe it will happen! According to Michael Schmidt of the New York Times, speaking on the TV box to Rachel Maddow on Monday, Trump's legal team thinks an interview will be the only way to get this investigation tied up with a bow, so who knows at this point.

We are guessing this leak originated with new Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani, because A) motherfucker leaks (allegedly!) and B) the New York Times reveals that these are the the questions Mueller gave Trump's lawyers during their negotiations over a possible Trump interview, the negotiations that ended with Last Sane Trump Lawyer John Dowd quitting in frustration because nobody would listen to him when he said, "There is no way Trump discusses all these things and doesn't end up lying his stupid orange face off one million times." (That may be a paraphrase of Dowd's exact language.)

Regardless, Emperor Shits 'N' Stuff is mad enough about the "leak" -- of the list of Mueller questions put together by his own lawyers -- to misuse quotation marks and otherwise abuse the English language about it:

"Nice!" said the stable genius president.

Of course -- and give the president a pass on this one, because he's too stupid to read 49 whole things and he probably got distracted by a Big Mac a quarter of the way through -- there are INDEED questions and lines of inquiry about collusion/conspiracy in the second half, a shit ton of them, and those questions could lead to approximately five million follow-up questions, and if Trump answered all the follow-ups, he'd have ... five million charges of perjury! Because take it to the bank that Mueller already knows the answers to most of his questions. He just needs to get the president on record lying about them.

Like this question, which made our eyes get big like "WHAT WHAT WHAT?"

What knowledge did you have of any outreach by your campaign, including by Paul Manafort, to Russia about potential assistance to the campaign?

OUTREACH TO RUSSIA? You mean like the stuff in the DODGY DOSSIER, where Paul Manafort was basically at the center of the American side of the Russian ratfucking operation to hurt Hillary Clinton, but then he got fired when the media started asking if he was a Russian spy and Michael Cohen (ALLEGEDLY) had to go to Prague to clean up Manafort's mess? Shit like that?

We are just asking, because there is a hell of a lot in Manafort's indictments that is REDACTED.

Other NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION questions involve Trump's stupid son's treason meeting in June 2016 with all the Russians in Trump Tower, what Trump knew about it, when he knew about it, and all the lies he helped tell about it when it was exposed. Mueller also wants to know about Trump's 2013 trip to Moscow, even the parts that (allegedly) didn't involve pee hookers, and all about the failed efforts to build a Moscow Trump Tower that came after that trip, including the one his thug shithead best boy ever Michael Cohen and Russian-American businessman Felix Sater were involved in, where they bragged about how they were going to get Vladimir Putin's buy-in on the project, and thus somehow elect Trump president.

AND there are questions about Trump campaign quid pro quos with Russia on Russian sanctions and changing the GOP platform on Ukraine and what Trump knew about all the Russian hacking efforts to fuck the 2016 election AND Roger Stone AND WikiLeaks AND Jared Kushner doing back channels with Russia AND Betsy DeVos's dumbass little brother Erik Prince's back channel meeting in the Seychelles, the one he lied about to Congress, AND AND AND AND AND AND!

That's right, Mr. President-Type Person. There are NO questions about collusion here. At least not in the part you skimmed before you saw a squirrel outside!

All that being said, the bulk of the questions focus on obstruction of justice, as the president correctly notes, because Mueller reportedly is looking to wrap up the obstruction section of the investigation sometime this summer, which in no way means he's anywhere near done with the whole investigation.

Trump has thoughts on whether it's even scientifically possible for him to have committed obstruction of justice, because here's why:

That's not how that works, genius, but cry on Twitter some more if that helps you get through the day.

Here are some of the other lines of inquiry:

  • What did Trump know about Michael Flynn's Russian agent behavior with the Russian ambassador, and when did he grab it by the pussy? There are several questions on this, including what happened with the firing of Flynn, and also offers to obstruct justice by having John Dowd dangle pardons in front of his face on behalf of the president.
  • Everything about Trump's attempts to obstruct justice with James Comey, his obviously false statements about why he fired Comey, his reaction to Comey's testimonies before Congress, his lies about how Comey better hope there are no "tapes" of their conversations, and so forth, including this very interesting question: "What did you think and do in reaction to the news that the special counsel was speaking to Mr. [Mike] Rogers, Mr. [Mike] Pompeo and Mr. [Dan] Coats?" This is VERY INTERESTING, because remember how last year, Trump was also leaning on his other intel chiefs to pressure Comey to kill the Russia investigation? Wonder what information Mueller's got up his sleeve there!
  • Oh hey, Trump, remember that time you fired James Comey and then mere hours later, you were yukking it up in the Oval with Russian diplomats/spies, telling them that now that Crazy Comey is gone, the "pressure" has been "taken off" of you on Russia stuff? FUCK WAS THAT ABOUT, ASSHOLE?
  • Everything about Trump trying to fire Jeff Sessions to obstruct justice in the investigation, plus his constant bitching about Sessions recusing himself.
  • Everything about Trump trying to fire ROBERT MUELLER to obstruct Mueller's investigation.

There are also questions about "What did Trump mean when he tweeted such and such," which are funny because we are trying to imagine ascribing intent to Trump's Twitter account besides how he is an old man on the toilet yelling at clouds while he watches "Fox & Friends."

So there you have it! Robert Mueller has 49 questions for Trump, but "Should you live your life as a free man ever again" ain't one. Will he get answers? Fuck if we know!

But we think Rudy Giuliani is high on his own supply if he thinks, as he said recently, that this investigation is going to be wrapped up in a couple of weeks.

Shit has barely gotten started.

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[New York Times / THE QUESTIONS]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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