Olivia Pope

Golly, it sounds like every other day or so we learn that special counsel Robert Mueller, who is leading the wide-ranging investigation into possible collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia, and also obstruction of justice into the investigation by President Babyhands, has hired literally the best lawyer in the world.

We were perusing Twitter this week and saw this:

Ooh, 'sciting! Ahmad is an A.U.S.A. for the EDVA (what, do you not know these abbreviations yet? God, do you even watch "Scandal"? Fine, it stands for Assistant U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia), and yes, she kicks terrorist ass! Wonder why Mueller needs her for the Trump-Russia scandal investigation. Has Trump been PALLING AROUND WITH TERRORISTS? It should be noted, of course, that the EDVA is one of the (two? three? fifty eleventy?) districts where a grand jury has been impaneled, and it's been issuing subpoenas all over the place. Anyway, you should read the New Yorker profile about Ahmad, because she is a badass.

A few weeks ago, when Newt Gingrich was bitching about how UNFAIR! it is that Mueller is hiring actual good lawyers (not that we imagine Newtie has stopped bitching, but he must be screaming his complaints directly into Callista's helmet hair, thus muffling his shrill lamentations), we flagged a GQ piece that noted Mueller's growing team included "men and women responsible for bringing down Nixon, Enron and the Mafia." Oh and recent hire Michael Dreeben was called "quite possibly the best criminal appellate lawyer in America" by the Lawfare blog.

The Washington Post has a new piece about what a dream team it really is. On top of Dreeben, there's James Quarles, alluded to above as part of the team that boned Richard Nixon. There's Andrew Goldstein, who "headed the public corruption unit in the U.S. Attorney’s Office in the Southern District of New York." He used to work for fired U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara! Trump hates Preet Bharara! There's Andrew Weissmann, who runs the fraud division at the Justice Department. Journalist Yashar Ali noted on Twitter that Weissmann is "known for persuading for witnesses to flip." There are lots of others too! They are all one million percent better than the team of incompetent goons willing to represent a client as pathetic and embarrassing as Donald J. Trump.

GQ calls this team the "Suicide Squad (if Suicide Squad didn't suck)." Vox says "Mueller's legal team is full of pros. Trump's team makes typos." (Apparently Vox is your rhyming dad, murdering you with #DadPuns right now.)

Of course, part of what's been chapping the frank and beans of Newticles of Gingrich, even more than the general competence and intelligence of the people Mueller is putting on his payroll, is that some of Mueller's lawyers have donated to Democrats, up to and including Email Pol Pot Rodham Clinton. How is that even fair????? STOMP STOMP WHINE COMPLAIN! Of course, Newt Gingrich can go fuck himself, unless he's concerned about how noted Democratic donor Jamie Gorelick is the lawyer that Prince Jared and Ivanka, Duchess of Grift-ingtonshire, have chosen to represent them. Or, maybe this will tickle Newt Gingrich's memory buds better: how they fired the first special prosecutor for Bill Clinton when that special prosecutor said Whitewater wasn't a crime, and replaced him with Very Republican Ken Starr, who promised to find a crime and find one he did.

Anyway, we just wonder why Robert Mueller is putting together literally the best lawyers in the known universe for his Trump-Russia investigation. Is it just because he is a snob and only likes to hang out with the most brilliantest sexxxxiest lawyers in America? Or is it because this Trump-Russia shit is yooooooger than anything we could have ever imagined? Who can say! But if yr Wonkette was a bettin' man, we'd guess it's the second thing.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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