Robert Mueller Recommends Paul Manafort Eat A Thousand Bags Of Dicks, In Prison


Relax, dears, Roger Stone will be in jail as soon as Judge Amy Berman Jackson decides she's officially had enough of his shit, and that hourglass should be running out sometime in the next few days, and then you will all get to see what Stone's misshapen head looks like bobbling around atop a body that's wearing a jumpsuit. Hooray!

Also Paul Manafort! He is due to be sentenced in the Eastern District of Virginia TOMORROW, which means Robert Mueller's office has filed its reply to the hilarious sentencing recs submitted by Manafort's legal team, and surprise, Mueller is not swayed by arguments that Manafort is a choir boy who walks old ladies to the food pantries uphill both ways in the snow, or arguments that IF "NO COLLUSION" YOU MUST ACQUIT! (Manafort's lawyers have been arguing some combination of these two points both in EDVA and in DC, where Manafort will be sentenced next week. Mueller did not appear to be amused by any of this when he filed his original sentencing recs for Manafort in EDVA, nor did he appear to be amused in his DC filings.)

In this new filing, Mueller's prosecutors sound like they stopped by the cowboy boot store to buy some more dick-kickers, to kick Manafort in the dick with, and the thrust of their dick-kicking is that Manafort did this to himself, he's obviously not sorry, so LOCK HER UP and throw away the key. Oh yeah, and STOP WHINING ABOUT YOUR SO-CALLED ALLEGED "HEALTH CONCERNS," YOU OLD FUCK, because they have doctors in prison, where Manafort should spend the rest of his life.

Wonkette will now summarize/shorten the filing for you, using Mueller's headers, and under that, the words we bet Mueller would use if he was a common shit talker like Wonkette:

A. Acceptance of Responsibility

Your honor, in case you haven't noticed, HE HASN'T. Oh sure, he pleaded guilty in DC, but then he proceeded to bone the fuck out of that plea agreement by lying to prosecutors and continuing to commit crimes, so fuck him.

Oh yeah, and have you read this shit his lawyers just filed? It's everybody else's fault Manafort is in big trouble now, isn't it! If Robert Mueller didn't exist, Manafort wouldn't be going to jail for ALL HIS ONE MILLION CRIMES. Mueller reminds Captain Fuckmouth that actually he was already under investigation before Robert Mueller was even a glimmer in #ResistanceTwitter's pants.

But, but, but! His Ukrainian clients made him do the crimes! They probably told him to lie on his taxes and lie to the FBI and commit bank fraud too! And he could give the banks all their money -- just like he, the perfect angel, was always planning to do -- if Mueller hadn't seized all his moneys! UNFAIR!

Why's everybody always forcing Paul Manafort to concoct and execute criminal schemes and hide them from the authorities?

B. Alleged Cooperation

Fucker didn't, unless you count "lying to the feds" and "lying to the grand jury" as "cooperation," and it turns out we don't count that.

C. Recidivism

Remember that time we had to put Paul Manafort IN SOLITARY while this case and his DC case were ongoing, because he couldn't stop fucking committing crimes? Thugs like that usually end up committing more crimes if you let them out too early. Oh, but he's so old, you say? Yeah well, he was an old motherfucker when he committed ALL THOSE EXTRA CRIMES. Far as we can tell, his most recent crime was in October of 2018, AKA five months ago, so STFU.

D. The Defendant's Health and Age

Oh, is that too subtle?

Yes, we hear that Paul Manafort has gout and old balls. We definitely for sure want the prison doctors to give him a Tylenol for his gout, and whatever else he needs for his old balls.

Also, we are pretty sure Manafort mostly brings up his health issues as a play for sympathy, or when making excuses for why he LIED AND VIOLATED HIS PLEA AGREEMENT, so since the defendant has failed to show that he has either A) not received proper medical care in jail, or B) why he wouldn't receive it in prison, the defendant is hereby invited to go fuck himself with his gout foot.

In Summary And In Conclusion!

The rest of the filing is Mueller saying that Manafort's lawyers' arguments for a lighter sentence based on this precedent and that precedent are a bunch of bullshit, because here's why, and ends with Mueller imagining what it's going to be like to sip mojitos on the beach after this is all over, while Manafort rots in prison until natural death.

JUST KIDDING, Robert Mueller is not hateful like we are.

As we said, Manafort will be sentenced in Virginia tomorrow, and in DC next week. Get your schadenfreude pants on, because it's time to rejoice in the misery of somebody who absolutely deserves it.

[Mueller sentencing reply on Manafort, EDVA]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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