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HE'S ALIVE! IT'S A JESUS MIRACLE!


Uh oh, it is like deja vu all over again! Crazy pants Trump pal Roger Stone, who has been like Trump's political "guru" for years or something, and who also seems to have had some sort of private Twitter sexxx, during the election season, with Guccifer 2.0, one of the Russian-backed hackers who screwed with our American election, is one of the CIA's hottest targets, according to crazy pants Trump pal Roger Stone. Like, the "Deep State" wants to go REALLY deep on him, because he is such a bold speaker of #TheRealTruth.

In January, Stone broke all our hearts when he revealed on the Alex Jones Real News And Information Show that he had been murdered to death by the "Deep State," by being poisoned with polonium 210, which Russian intelligence has actually used to murder at least one former Russian FSB agent that we know of. (If you're new, the "FSB" is like the Russian version of the "CIA," just like "Canada SCOTUS" is the Canadian corollary to "SCOTUS.") However, miraculously, Stone made a complete recovery from getting polonium-ed to death, glory halleljuah!

Until this week, when the "Deep State" tried to maketh murder upon him again, allegedly, in a car accident that happened, allegedly:

In an appearance Wednesday on conspiracy-theorist Alex Jones’s radio show, former Donald Trump adviser Roger Stone claimed he had recently been in a car that was T-boned by “deep state” actors in an attempted assassination. “They have poisoned me, they have smeared me, and someone in a car tried to kill me,” Stone told Jones, appearing healthy via satellite after the alleged accident.

Well, shit! America's "deep state" must be totally DOY DOY DOY DOY DOY when it comes to trying to assassinate the all-powerful Roger Stone, if they keep FUCKIN' IT UP like this! Because to be clear, Stone wasn't telling some story about something that happened like last month, he was talking about a fender bender he had TODAY, March 15, 2017.

Let's go to the Twitter reels:

That sucks, bro!

Good good, sorry to hear the old boxin' eye might need some Visine, but otherwise!

AND YET HE PERSISTED! Let's watch Stone's WAR VIDEO APPEARANCE on Alex Jones today, to see if the patient can speak:

According to the Daily Beast, after Stone's interview, he went to the hospital to get treated for this, the "Deep State's" latest derpy attempt on his life.

We at Wonkette, despite our snarky demeanor, are very happy that Stone emerged from today's car accident safe and sound, assuming a car accident actually happened, allegedly. That does not mean we are not allowed to laugh our fucking pants off at the stories he tells about how the CIA tried to murder him with cars, but an airbag saved his life, allegedly.

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[The Daily Beast]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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