Roger Stone Was Going To Have Jared Kushner Sleep With The Fishes
Insane dandy Roger Stone, seen here cosplaying as a Victorian-era overseer on a rubber plantation in the Congo, spent a great deal of Donald Trump's presidency whoring for pardons for himself and many of his associates. Which would have been unnecessary if they hadn't committed so many crimes, but we digress. As could be said of a Soprano, a Corleone, or the bathroom attendant at a Times Square porno theater in the '70s, this is the life he chose.
The Washington Post brings us the details of Stone's efforts, as recorded on camera by some documentary filmmakers who were following him around at the time. It seems that a few days before the merciful end of the Trump administration, Stone filed a five-page document dubbed "Stone's Plan" that he hoped would convince then-President Brainworms to pardon literally every mountebank and rapscallion whose name you have been reading in Justice Department documents for the last seven years. And even some you'll be surprised about! All of it written with the kind of conspiratorial language and paranoia that tickled Trump's prostate harder than an aggressive urologist.
Remember? It was half an hour ago: Roger Stone Let Danish Film Crew Record Him Plotting 1/6 Coup And You Are A Dirty Crimer For Noticing!
Check out the document's second paragraph, for example:
Any challenge to the results of the 2020 election, even those made pursuant to the United States Constitution, is now to be considered sedition. Any person who makes, or has made, such a challenge, to include members of Congress, is to be deemed a "domestic terrorist".
And who did Stone want preemptively pardoned so they would not be swept up by the leftist Wehrmacht? There are the obvious ones, such as the GOP legislator who challenged the electoral vote counts on January 6 — Ted Cruz, Josh Hawley, and Matt Gaetz, among others.
There are random friends of Stone and supporters of Trump. It's not really clear what the supporters have done to merit preemptive pardons. But whether they committed any crimes is of course not the point, just that Joe Biden's Stasi might toss them all in the gulag for the crime of loving their president so darn much.
Except for Joel Greenberg, the Florida tax collector who was recently indicted on a couple of dozen charges, including sex trafficking minors to Gaetz. That guy needs all the pardons he can get.
And, according to the Post, Stone also weirdly but fittingly pushed pardons for currently imprisoned members of the Colombo crime family:
Stone’s pardon wish list also included Michael Sessa and Victor Orena, former members of the Colombo crime family serving life sentences for murder and racketeering convictions in the 1990s. Their attorney, David I. Schoen, has also represented Stone.
Schoen has a wild theory that Andrew Weissman, who was Robert Mueller's second-in-command during his investigation, railroaded the Colombo bosses during another investigation 30 years ago. Ergo, pardoning them would be a giant middle finger to the Deep State, or something.
Stone also told the filmmakers that Trump had as much responsibility to protect his supporters from this leftist Wehrmacht as Franklin Roosevelt had to protect Jews from the Holocaust. Which, sure, if Jews in Europe had had access to bail, defense lawyers, fair trials ... uh, this would still be an incredibly offensive comparison.
Stone's plans were reportedly foiled by two entities. The first is the White House Counsel's Office, either because it was simply too frenzied a period of time for them to consider all these pardons, or because whatever else you can say about Trump administration employees, at least a few of the lawyers were not insane.
The second is barely sentient pipe cleaner Jared Kushner. It's not clear why Stone thinks Kushner sandbagged him, only that Kush did the thing and so Stone will have someone do the other thing as revenge:
“In two weeks he’s moving to Miami,” Stone told Alejandro, before whispering: “He’s going to get a beating. He needs to have a beating. And needs to be told, ‘This time we’re just beating you. Next time we’re killing you.’ ” Aware the filmmakers were nearby, Alejandro urged Stone to say he was joking. “No, no, it isn’t joking. Not joking. It’s not a joke,” Stone replied.
Later that day, in a car with the filmmakers, Stone returned to the subject of Kushner during a call with a friend named Tom. Stone said Kushner needed to be “punished in the most brutal possible way” and would be “brain dead when I get finished with him.”
Of course at the time Jared still had Secret Service protection. We didn't say this was a good plan!
Oh well, Stone got his pardon and is free to get back to his hobby of dressing like random weirdos in a John Waters movie.
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