Roger Stone Ready For Hillary's Death Squads, Thanks To Alex Jones's Trucker Speed!

Bush-league Nixon dirty trickster and super-important truth-teller Roger Stone wants America to know that he's ready for anything Hillary KKKlinton is planning to throw at him, because this isn't his first dance and he knows the Clinton Mafia likes to play rough, like that time they totally killed JFK Jr. to death by blowing up his plane and miraculously making the wreckage look like it hit the water intact. So it should be no surprise that in an interview Thursday on the Alex Jones Macho Fantasy Internet Concern, Stone warned Killary: If she comes at the King, she'd best not miss.

Fellow guest Gary Heavin, the founder of the women's gym chain Curves and a conspiracy theory aficionado in his own right, told Stone he admires Stone's courage for being willing to take on all the evil forces in the world (not merely the Clintons, but also "facts" and "logic") and asked Stone if he fears for his own safety, since he's "standing up to a machine that has a trail of bodies as far as you can see." How good is Stone's personal security, Heavin wanted to know, since "you're pokin' a grizzly bear?"

Stone, a man who is so tough that he has a tattoo of Richard Nixon right between his shoulder blades, is a man who laughs at danger, but that does not mean he doesn't take precautions (not that he'd ever compromise OpSec by providing any details of course. Do you take him for A Idiot?). Noting that "My security people asked me not to talk about it," Stone allowed as how he has indeed "increased my personal security and that around my home," since he's well aware "the Clintons have a track record of having people savagely beaten" or even murdered. Touchingly, he attributed his stepped up security to the concerns of his wife; were it just he, we have no doubt he'd just sleep with a machete and a General Electric M134 Minigun handy, plus perhaps a shiv made out of a human femur for close-in wet work. Nevertheless, knowing that his life is in peril every moment, he offered this warning not to believe the lie machine if something should happen to him:

Alex. If in a couple weeks they tell you that I committed suicide because I was depressed, or if I get hit by a truck crossing the street, or if they tell you I was killed in a freak hunting accident, don't believe it. Hillary Clinton's the major perp and she needs to be exposed.

Jones interjected, "Or struck by a bolt of lightning!"

Stone continued, getting to the REAL point:

I'm in perfectly good health, I'm in a great mood. I am working 18-hour days -- I'm gonna be honest with you. I wouldn't make it without Brain Force. I went online, I bought some Brain Force. I pop those in the morning, I pop those at night, I get four, five hours more work!

Yup. The "Hillary's gonna kill me" stuff was all a lead-in to an endorsement for Alex Jones's shitty nutritional supplement scam pills, which promise to help you "Flip the switch and supercharge your state of mind," because Brain Force is "the next generation of neural activation." Only $29.95 for 30 capsules! (Daily dosage: 2 capsules a day) Better get you some Brain Force capsules so YOU won't be caught off guard by the Clinton Death Machine! [Machete and General Electric M134 Minigun sold separately]

Somehow, thinking of a bunch of Alex Jones fans sending him money for BRAIN FORCE pills to enhance their neurons (already protected by tinfoil hats) gives us a warm peppy glow that's sure to take us through the weekend. At no cost whatsoever!


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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