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Romney Website: Mitt Romney Just Cold Saving People's Lives Right And Left

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Did you know Mitt Romney oncesaved a 14-year-old girl's LIFE? He did that by going to look for her after she disappeared. Even though he did not actually find her. And she was just sleeping off an Ecstasy binge. But no, Mitt Romney is like Ryan Gosling times Morrissey plus Superman minus Kryptonite. Mitt Romney can't help saving people's lives. He just does it. Like one time he and his family saw a boat take on water and they didn't even leave the people to drown! MittRomney.com, through the offices of Hottest Conservative Blogger John Hawkins, would like you to remember that! MITT ROMNEY IS A LIVING SAINT.


Mitt Romney saw people in trouble and he didn't wait for the government to save them, he made a REAL gutsy call, and did what he had to do to save their lives.

The Morrisseys of Tewksbury were motoring their vintage wooden boat through the large lake on July 4 weekend that year when, around sunset and about 300 yards from shore, the vessel began taking on water. Robert Morrissey attempted to dial 911 on his cell phone, only to lose the device in the water as the boat started sinking rapidly.

That’s when Romney, who owns a home on the shore of the lake, and two of his sons jumped on jet skis and rode out to assist the six people, along with the family dog, struggling in the water.

The Romneys took two of the passengers ashore, and others in the area helped the rest of the family — and the dog, too — make it back to land without injury.

Hey Catholic Church, do we really have to wait for Mitt Romney to be dead and do a bunch of miracles before we canonize him? We do? Fucking Church.

One time, we were at Disneyland with our son and he started choking and we gave him the Heimlich maneuver, instead of letting him learn the consequences of not chewing thoroughly, by dying. We would like that to be Noted when we run for president. (We are not running for president. Too many nudie shots.)

Other INCREDIBLE FACTS ABOUT MITT ROMNEY include the time he paid for all the many thousands of pints of milk for a veterans shelter, for years, which is nice! Of course, he did this because he had (SHOCKER) insulted them. By accident, most likely, it is just what he does. He also helped a dying boy write his will, which is presented, as you would expect, as something NO ONE ELSE ON EARTH would ever do, because everybody else would just be like FUCK YOU DYING BOY, that is just how people are, constantly telling dying children to go fuck themselves. In addition, Romney volunteered many hours to his church. This is because he was a bishop, but, you know. Volunteer work.

[MittRomney.com, via Jezebel]

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No pressure in November, but looks like the Supreme Court is going to do FUCK ALL about gerrymandering this term. In a unanimous decision authored by Chief Justice Roberts, the Court remanded the landmark Gill v. Whitford redistricting case on standing -- in other words, they won't be ruling on it because the plaintiffs challenging the gerrymander hadn't adequately proved that they personally had the right to challenge Wisconsin's preposterous districts.

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We have been hearing ever since late last week that Michael Cohen is probably about to be arrested and probably going to be indicted on one million charges and probably maybe might be about to try to flip and make a deal so that he doesn't end up in prison for the rest of his natural life. In fact, we have been hanging our hopes on it, because everything else sucks. Sure, we are still filled with joy over how Paul Manafort is on day four of JAIL, MOTHERFUCKER, JAIL, but then we remembered what is happening on the border and what we are saying right now is we need something happy.

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