Didn't fuck any kids on this one particular night during the Vietnam War.


Let's continue our fun day of batshit posts about Roy Moore, to give Alabama voters something to read while they're waiting in long lines to vote. (High turn-out! In a voter suppression state where they don't like it when the blacks and the wimmins exercise their right to vote!)

Monday night, at the big funtimes Roy Moore rally, a nice man came onstage to tell the story of the time Roy Moore had an opportunity to fuck a child in front of him, and he didn't do it. Isn't that a nice anecdote to say about somebody? Don't we all have a similar story about that time a guy we knew had the opportunity to fuck a kid, and he was like "Nah bro, let's go home and play a wholesome game like Go Fish"? And don't we like to TELL THAT STORY IN PUBLIC? No? OK, you're right, us neither.

Such is the state of the AL-SEN race. Somebody involved in planning the rally (Kayla Moore? Because she also thought it was a good idea to tell everybody at the rally the Moores aren't anti-Semitic because HAVE YOU MET OUR JEW LAWYER?) thought to theirselves, "We should scour the history of Roy's life and find somebody who can say Roy didn't bestow his Christian penis on any kids, even when given the opportunity." And they found a guy! His name is Bill Staehle! He served in Vietnam with Roy Moore, who is godly and above reproach!

Staehle told a tale about how, many years ago in Vietnam, before Roy Moore ever got banned from the mall for creeping on kids, SOME GUY came up to the two of them and invited them for beers at a "private club." Why? No reason! They were just wild and crazy fun guys who looked like they liked a brewski from time to time! But RUT ROH SKETTI-OH and JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! It was one of those places. A brothel place. Bill Staehle could tell you what he saw that night, but he doesn't want to:

I could tell you what I saw, but I don't want to.

BUT ISN'T THAT WHY YOU WERE INVITED HERE TODAY, BILL?

And there were certainly pretty girls. And they were girls. They were young, some of them probably very young. I don't know. I don't remember that. I wasn't there long enough.

And wouldn't you know it, Roy Moore didn't even pull his Jesus sword out of his panties even once! Instead, he scooped old Bill Staehle into the Jeep and they went back to the base, and THAT NIGHT NO FUCKS WERE GIVEN.

For real, OK? Roy Moore didn't fuck any kids on that particular night!

He didn't! (OR DID HE?)

Stop asking questions like, "Why would this unnamed pal think Roy Moore and his friend might be into an underage sex club in the first place?" That is not the point of the story! The point is that this one time, Roy Moore went to a place and had an opportunity to fuck kids, but he didn't.

This obviously means all Roy Moore's many accusers are lying, OBVIOUSLY.

Don't you want to vote for him now?

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[Think Progress]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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