Man’s Hand Barely Survives Touching Rudy Giuliani’s Back

White Nonsense
Man’s Hand Barely Survives Touching Rudy Giuliani’s Back

Famous coup plotter Rudy Giuliani claims he was brutally assaulted Sunday in a Staten Island, New York, ShopRite store. Giuliani was campaigning for his useless son, Andrew, who thinks he can win the GOP nomination for governor. According to police, a 39-year-old employee "approached him and slapped him in the back.” Don’t worry, he somehow survived. He truly has the strength of ten men.

Here’s his self-serving account:

“All of a sudden, I feel this ‘Bam!’ on my back,” Giuliani said. “I don’t know if they helped me not fall down, but I just about fell down, but I didn’t.

“I feel this tremendous pain in my back, and I’m thinking, what the — I didn’t even know what it was,” he said. “All of a sudden, I hear this guy say, ‘You’re a f–king scumbag,’ then he moves away so nobody can grab him.

“And he says, ‘You, you’re one of the people that’s gonna kill women. You’re gonna kill women,’ ” Giuliani said, quoting the suspect, who now faces assault charges. “‘You and your f–king friend are gonna kill women.’ Then he starts yelling out all kinds of, just curses, and every once in a while, he puts in that woman thing.

” ‘You guys think you’re saving babies, but you’re gonna kill women,’ ” the worker continued to rage, according to Giuliani, also a lawyer for former President Donald Trump.

Giuliani’s alleged assailant was presumably upset about the Supreme Court overturning Roe v. Wade. Giuliani told the New York Post, "The Supreme Court made a decision ... You don’t go around attacking people because of it. I mean, go get it changed.” Wow, so it’s that simple. We never knew Supreme Court decisions were like Wikipedia entries.

He compared the slap to a gunshot, because he’s a drama queen. Fortunately, he’s in good shape for a 78-year-old bag of dung. Otherwise, he’s certain "I would have hit the ground and probably cracked my skull.” You know, New York City police have done far more than slap random people in the back.

The video footage shows the employee lightly tapping Giuliani on the back, which the former New York mayor insists could’ve murdered him. He didn’t even come close to falling. The police told the Times that the employee said, “What’s up, scumbag” rather than “fucking scumbag!” However, we can all agree that Rudy Giuliani is a scumbag.

Giuliani bravely had the employee arrested and charged with second-degree assault. He compared this to his reign of terror as mayor.

“I say to myself, ‘You know something? I gotta get this guy arrested,’ ” he said. “I talk about ‘broken windows’ theory all the time. You can’t let the little things go.

“I’m like, ‘I’m gonna get this guy arrested as an example that you can’t do this. And I said, also, in New York, we don’t prosecute people anymore And one of the reasons I brought crime down is I didn’t ignore stuff like this.”

He was slapped on the back. It wasn’t even Will Smith slapping Chris Rock. Back-slapping is often considered a friendly gesture, so what escalated this to an “assault” in Giuliani’s mind, we guess, is that the guy insulted him. Arresting people for saying mean things is probably the "cancel culture" conservatives condemn.

Giuliani told the New York Times that he had red marks on his back, and we assume the Times took his word for this, because who’d want to actually look? “My back hurts, but otherwise I’m able to walk and stuff like that. He almost knocked me down." The video shows Giuliani startled by the back slap but not physically shaken.

Andrew Giuliani declared in an emailed statement, "We will not be intimidated by left wing attacks. As governor I will stand up for law and order so that New Yorkers feel safe again.”

The Supreme Court just gutted New York’s gun laws, so someone shooting you in a supermarket is probably a greater threat than a deadly back massage. We of course don’t support laying a hand on Giuliani, not out of deference to the fascist scumbag, but because we don't know where he's been and he is disgusting, the end.

[New York Times / New York Post]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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