Aw, Rudy Giuliani Thinks He's Helping!

Rudy Giuliani can't stop, won't stop. The man is under investigation by the pit bulls at SDNY for possible failure to disclose his representation of a foreign government official. His associates just got indicted on a massive campaign finance scheme undertaken in the interest of former Ukrainian prosecutor Yuriy Lutsenko, with whom Giuliani himself has worked for the past year. Giuliani's phone records just showed up in the House Intelligence Committee report. And, not for nothing, but his client is getting impeached for leaning on the Ukrainian government to smear Joe Biden in exchange for foreign aid.

So naturally this crazy sumbitch is out there on Twitter confessing that Trump's concerns about corruption were only ever about Joe Biden and explicitly threatening to withhold American foreign aid if the Ukrainians don't investigate Trump's likely 2020 opponent.

Subtle! So much for the argument that Donald Trump has a deep-seated loathing of corruption in all its forms and seeks only to ensure that American tax dollars support strong civic government.

And Rudy sent the tweet FROM UKRAINE, where he's been holding a series of meetings with the most rancidly corrupt dregs from the former regime, which the Ukrainian people overwhelmingly just tossed out at the ballot box. It's truly amazing that a 75-year-old man whose main form of exercise appears to be philandering is still spry enough to kick himself in the dick all day long.

Rudy's adventures in oligarchland, where he's filming a docudrama for OANN called Joe Biden Is the Real Collusion (no, not really), have caused consternation in every hemisphere. The Daily Beast reports:

Senior U.S. officials in the State Department and in the national security apparatus were concerned that Giuliani was speaking with politicians in both Budapest and Kiev who have interests in domestic American politics. According to five sources with knowledge of the situation, there is renewed fear that the president's lawyer is still shopping for dirt about former Vice President Joe Biden and his son Hunter as well as speaking with foreign officials who, against all evidence, have promoted the idea that Ukraine, not Russia, interfered in the 2016 presidential election.

YA THINK? Is it maybe possible that he's still fucking that Ukrainian chicken? Thank goodness we got these NatSec geniuses on the case! According to the Beast, the State Department is so wigged out about Rudy's shenanigans that they told Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in no uncertain terms to avoid the president's personal lawyer like the plague. A principle we should all live by!

BuzzFeed's reporter on the ground in Ukraine confirms that no one in the American embassy or in the Zelenskyy administration knew Rudy was coming until his flight on budget carrier WizzAir touched down in Kyiv. Which ... HENGHHH? We have no idea who's funding Giuliani's globetrotting on behalf of his non-paying "billionaire" client, but whoever is underwriting this smear campaign usually springs for a private jet.

Anyway, with no officials willing to get near Ol' Rudes, reporters were reduced to searching random cigar bars and "the cologne-drenched lobbies" of fancy hotels for America's loony Mayor. Where was he? Who was he with?

Oh, just Andriy Derkach, a member of the former pro-Russian Party of Regions, a guy who graduated from KGB school in Moscow and whose father got caught on tape plotting the murder of a journalist with then Ukrainian president Leonid Kuchma. Cool!

BuzzFeed reports:

Derkach, who held two press conferences in recent weeks during which he waved unsubstantiated documents in front of news cameras that he claimed would prove that Burisma had paid Joe Biden himself for lobbying, said they'd discussed "the creation of the inter-parliamentary group Friends of Ukraine: STOP Corruption."

Then it was off to meet with scammer Andrii Telizhenko, the GOP's star witness for the crackpot theory -- which they themselves already debunked -- that Ukrainians helped the Clinton campaign by asking Paul Manafort to give back all the looted millions he got paid by the previous, corrupt pro-Russian Party of Regions.

Wow, lotta Russia connections happening here! So weird the US embassy won't give these guys visas to come to the US, huh? Lucky thing they've got Rudy to spread the good word. And Devin Nunes -- who's also been in contact with Telizhenko, in case you didn't work that out from him screaming HILLARY IS THE REAL UKRAINE COLLUSION over and over during the impeachment hearings.

Say, you know who knows all about those conversations and is currently in plea negotiations with the feds? LEV PARNAS.

Spill it, chucklefucker!

Sadly, all good things must come to an end. Here's Rudy bidding a fond farewell to his brother from a Kremlin mother, Andrii.

Vanity Fair says Trump put Giuliani in timeout from Fox after he joked about having an insurance policy in case Trump fires him. But Rudy's been such a very good boy that Trump will no doubt welcome him back into the folds of his ample, orange bosom. And with that lovely image, we bid goodbye to Rudy until Monday. God willing and the crick don't rise.

[DB / BuzzFeed / WaPo]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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