Rudy Giuliani Asks FBI To Believe 10 Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Rudy Guiliani, clown lawyer to the stars, is lacing up his clown shoes and strapping on that red nose. Just listen to this honking!

"Usually a person who has been a former assistant US attorney, a US attorney, a mayor, the associate attorney general, usually they receive a subpoena — not have their home raided," he told Fox. "The only lawyers they raid are lawyers for Donald Trump. I can't think of another lawyer that has been raided other than lawyers for Trump. Trump is in a special category because he doesn't have constitutional rights."

Poor, poor Trump, with only the Justice Department to act as his personal lawyer for four years, rewarding his friends, punishing his enemies, defying Congress, covering up his crimes, and arguing with a straight face that the president is immune from all congressional and law enforcement demands. No constitutional rights!

The Washington Post has just retracted large parts of a blockbuster story alleging that Rudy received a briefing from the FBI warning him that he was being targeted as part of a Russian disinformation campaign. The current reporting is that they prepared the briefing but, as NBC put it, decided not to relay it "in part over concerns it might complicate the criminal investigation of Giuliani." Which is only marginally better.

A rational person in Rudy's place would go all in and try to discredit the probe by focusing on this egregious error by the media. But Rudy is no one's idea of a rational person, so instead he's making facially nonsensical allegations like this to Fox: "They showed me a warrant that sought the electronics in my apartment and purported to be about an alleged violation of the Foreign Agents Registration Act, FARA, for failure to file as a foreign agent on behalf of an unnamed Ukrainian official."

Keep in mind that was after his own lawyer Robert Costello had read the warrant to Reuters, which wrote that the feds were seeking information on Giuliani's communications with "more than a dozen people, including a high-ranking prosecutor in Ukraine." The list includes former Ukrainian President Petro Poroshenko; current prosecutor Gyuduz Mamedov; former prosecutors Viktor Shokin, Yuriy Lutsenko, and Konstiantin Kulyk; and former lawmaker Glib Zagoriy.

So, not exactly "unnamed."

This follows on the heels of several news cycles where Rudy and his pals at Fox tried to make this about Hunter Biden's laptop, which was "abandoned" at a blind computer repair man's store and has somehow morphed into "three hard drives."

"At the end of the search, when they had taken about seven or eight electronic items of mine, which is what they took, and two of someone else's, they weren't taking the three hard drives [allegedly belonging to Hunter Biden], which of course are electronic devices," Rudy blarped to Tucker Carlson. "They just mimic the computer."

Everyone knows that hard drives "mimic the computer," just like Rudy Giuliani mimics a cybersecurity expert.

Anyway! The point is that Rudy was very sure that the agents were derelict in their duty to take "Hunter Biden's hard drives" when they were collecting about 10 of Rudy's devices.

"The warrant required them to take it, and they said 'No!'" he shouted dramatically, to the open-mouthed Great Dane who leads Rupert Murdoch's network.

And Rudy could easily have proved it by showing the warrant. Or even reading an excerpt from it saying, "We're here from the FBI and we will now seize every piece of electronic equipment in the house." Or words to that effect.

But he didn't, and it's pretty clear why. Because you know who doesn't have any communications with the chucklefucks Lev and Igor Fruman on his phone? Not a single email with hairball lawyers Victoria Toensing and Joe diGenova? Probably wouldn't piss on John Solomon if the "reporter" was on fire?

HUNTER GODDAMN BIDEN, THAT'S WHO. And the FBI showed up at Rudy's door looking for communications with all those cartoon villains. So even if you assume for the sake of argument that Rudy Giuliani was shoving "Hunter Biden's hard drives" toward the FBI, and not a wireless router, or a hairdryer, or a cordless vibrator, or a potato, those "hard drives" would still not contain any information relevant to the warrant.

Besides which, this is probably not the first warrant the DOJ has gotten for Rudy's comms, which means they almost certainly had the ISP and even the serial number of every device they were looking for. That likely explains why they just knocked on Victoria Toensing's door and asked for her phone, but not her laptops or anything else. They weren't there for the bloody toaster.

Nevertheless, he persisted.

"They are trying to frame me," Giuliani howled to Fox News. "They are trying to find something they can make into a crime, some technical violation, some mistake I made. They'll take anything."

Well, not anything. They don't want your nose hair trimmer, Rudy. So quit asking!

[Fox / Reuters]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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