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Say it with us now: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, RUDY GIULIANI CAN MAKE IT WORSE!

Seriously, is that guy on drugs? Asking for everyone in America with a television. We get that he's not Trump's "real" lawyer -- he's just the bozo who yells crazy shit on teevee to rile up the base. But how long until Trump's real lawyers storm the set at CNN and yank the dentures out of Rudy's face to shut him up?

After a productive day of lunatic ranting on the Sunday shows, Rudy woke up this fine Monday morning ready to bring the crazy all over again.


Four days ago, the New York Times reported that Robert Mueller is investigating Trump's tweets as evidence of intent to obstruct justice. Now's the time for people around him to use words like "blow off steam," "heat of the moment," and "not admissible as evidence in a court of law."

TAKE IT AWAY, ROODS!

I don't think there's anything there that gets them beyond the First Amendment. And second, a lot of his tweets have been very helpful. The reason he may not have to testify is he's laid out his defense. Clearly, this whole Russian thing, he's made it clear he didn't know about the [Trump Tower] meeting beforehand.

Surely Emmett Flood appreciates the argument that President Twitterfingers is testifying on the crapper every morning. We eagerly await his Poop Tweets Are Too A Substitute For Testimony Under Oath Motion.

But wait, there's more!

First up, tell the Fox Brain Trust how there's NO COLLUSION! NO COLLUSION! OKAY, THERE'S COLLUSION BUT IT'S NOT A CRIME!


Riiiiiight. "Collusion" is not a crime. Conspiracy to commit electoral fraud and accepting campaign donations from a foreign government are, though. But according to the president's lawyer, as long as Donald Trump didn't hack the DNC server with his own orange thumbs, it's cool.

Not convinced yet? Well, take it from noted body-language expert Pete Hegseth.

I read your body language on this almost. It's almost like, I mean, COME ON!

Wow, dude! Who knew there was someone in the Fox stables who could make Brian Kilmeade look smart in comparison?

Then it was on to CNN, where Rudy casually set fire to all those lies about Don Jr., JarJar, and Paul Manafort taking that Trump Tower meeting with some Russian randos for no reason whatsoever, and certainly not to coordinate the release of stolen emails with a foreign power to harm the Clinton campaign.

Giuliani: Lanny Davis has added that it was a meeting two days before the [Trump Tower] meeting took place, with Donald Jr., Jared, Manafort, Gates, and one more person ...

Camerota: And that's a real meeting?

Giuliani: That's a real meeting on another, provable subject in which he was not participating.

SORRY, WHAT? There was a planning meeting to prep to get sexxxxxy Hillary dirts from a lawyer for the Kremlin? And Rick Gates, cooperating witness, was there? So it wasn't just Don, Paul and Jared hearing the Russians out as a courtesy?

Oh.

This meeting that Cohen's talking about took place before the meeting with the Russians. But the other thing that's contradicted is Cohen also now says, because he says too much, that two days before, he was participating in a meeting with roughly the same group of people, but not the president, definitely not the president. In which they were talking about the strategy of the meeting with the Russians. The people in that meeting deny it, the people we have been able to interview. The people we have not been able to interview have never said that about that meeting.

Well, either Don Jr. and Jared are telling the God's honest truth, or "the people [you] have not been able to interview," i.e. currently cooperating witness Rick Gates and Paul Manafort, who's going on trial this week for alllllll the bank fraud, are going to have one hell of an interesting story to tell.

Also, OMGLOLOLOL, Rudy goddamn Giuliani accused someone else of saying too much!!!!

Go on, Rudy! You've already pissed off the entire legal team, what's a little more crazy, right? Splain to the nice lady what the fuck Trump was talking about this weekend when he tweeted that Mueller has to "disclose" his conflicts of interest regarding the "very nasty and contentious business relationship" he had with the president.

Not this shit, again! Are we really back to pretending that Mueller is on a mission to take down President Couch Potato because he had to write a letter demanding the return of his snack-bar fees or whatever when he resigned from the Trump golf club in Virginia?

Apparently, NOT! Even Rudy knows that he's better off hinting darkly about an "unresolved business conflict" than actually coming out and saying TRUMP STIFFED MUELLER ON CLUB DUES SEVEN YEARS AGO. Even the blindest squirrel finds a nut once in a while.


ARE REALLY BAD AT THIS!

AND IT'S ONLY MONDAY.

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Please click here to contribute to the Wonkette Caffiene and Xanax fund! Looks like we're going to need it this week.

[TPM]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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