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In today's episode of All the President's Lawyers (Are Crazy), we ponder the deep questions. How can Rudy Giuliani be so bugfuck insane? Is there mercury in his denture adhesive? And will poor John Dowd ever recover his faculties, or will his service in Trumpland leave him permanently frozen in a state of slapstick incompetence? (Let's leave the latest foolishness in the McGahn fiasco for later today -- there's only so much WTF we can fit in one post.)

Like a kid set loose in nuclear plant, The Very Stable Genius spent yesterday bragging that he has THE POWER to push all the buttons. He's going to revoke security clearances for Bruce Ohr and Phil Mudd, just like he did for John Brennan, and you can't stop him so there!

And he hopes John Brennan does sue him for canceling his security clearance without due process, because then he's going to depose that guy SO HARD.


Cool story, bro! But the CIA already has all Brennan's "records, texts, emails and documents." And presumably his files are intact, since no one's ever accused John Brennan of being a paper-eating freakshow. (And not to nitpick, dude, but the CIA director had nothing to do with the Russia investigation.)

If Brennan did try to sue, he'd probably lose. For a detailed explanation, listen to this excellent Lawfare podcast with Bradley Moss. Or just take our word for it! A rational lawyer would say something like, "It's settled law that clearance decisions are political questions, and as such are unreviewable, on both substantive and procedural grounds." Then everyone would go to sleep, because that shit is just boring. But Rudy Giuliani is not a rational lawyer.

Is he ... is he suggesting that the Justice Department would be represented in such a lawsuit by two private-practice attorneys who between them boast an impressive zero years of national security law experience?

Later Giuliani clarified his remarks to the New York Times.

He said a deposition of Mr. Brennan, conducted by himself and Jay Sekulow, another of Mr. Trump's lawyers, could go on for hours — "maybe longer than McGahn's testimony," Mr. Giuliani said, a reference to the 30 hours that Donald F. McGahn II, the White House counsel, has talked to the special counsel in the Russia investigation.

Not that they're thinking about whatever McGahn told Bob Mueller! Don't you worry about that! Absolutely no one in the White House is losing his shit, LOL!

Also, Rudy was just joking, DUH.

Asked whether his taunting tweet directed at Mr. Brennan was a joke, Mr. Giuliani said: "Of course it is. I don't take the threat of the lawsuit seriously, so my statements aren't serious."

But if Brennan does sue the president in his personal capacity, Rudy and Jay are standing by ready to do battle with the guy who took out bin Laden! Sure Robert Mueller is circling the White House like a shark, CREW is filing a new emoluments case every month, and Trump is getting sued by both Stormy Daniels and Summer Zervos. So what's one more lawsuit, right? BRING IT ON!

Movin' on to John Dowd, former lawyer for the Russia investigation, who has managed to violate campaign finance law by making excessive contributions to the Trump campaign FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR, as reported by the Post. Only the best people!

Let's back up and point out that the number $2,700 is etched into the minds of every person in DC, down to the panhandlers in Farragut Square. (Very slight exaggeration.) That's the maximum contribution allowed for any candidate during a single campaign cycle. It's the reason PACs exist -- so people who've already given an individual candidate $2,700 for the primary and another $2,700 for the general can continue to exercise their FREE SPEECH rights by dumping infinity dollars into "independent" political groups who most certainly do not coordinate with the campaigns. Thanks, John Roberts!

So how the hell did John Dowd, who spent decades of his career in a place governed by the iron law of $2,700, wind up donating $6,400 this year to the Committee to Reelect the President?

Well, maybe he was running the world's stupidest scam, sending in $3,000 in March, and then another $3,400 in April and May. But the FEC flagged the overages, and the campaign dutifully sent back the money with a notice saying, "Mr. Dowd, we've been through this before." Or words to that effect. So maybe the more logical explanation is that Dowd lost his damn mind (and his reputation) working for the Trump administration, and some shit just stays broken.

In any event, these are the lawyers telling Donald Trump what he can and cannot do. We're being governed by an incompetent lunatic, whose advisers are all lunatic incompetents.

Which you already knew, of course! So let's ease into the morning with a little game of Spot the Fuck Up, featuring Rudy G and his batshit legal stylings. Holler in the comments when you see it!

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[New York Times / WaPo]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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