Rudy Giuliani Could Be President Of 9/11 If He Wasn't Gay Married To Immigrant Abortions

Rudy Giuliani stopped by the Fox News derp emporium to talk about9/11violence in Baltimore, and host Neil Cavuto just wanted to know "Why not you?" for president of America, instead of all these other rinky dink has-beens? Well, the answer is simple: Rudy Giuliani WOULD be a great Republican president, except for how he loves gays, abortion and foreigns so much, which won't fly with the wingnut GOP base:

I believe I can’t get nominated because of my views on gay marriage, I’m in favor of gay rights, I’m in favor of gay marriage. I see it as an issue of equality. I’m pro-choice. I’m anti-abortion personally but I’m pro-choice. And I’m pro-immigrant and haven’t backed down from it.

Giuliani also says he doesn't need to run for president because the 2016 GOP field is SO GOOD. He even compares the candidates to Willie Mayes, Mickey Mantle and Duke Snider, who are all historical baseball figures, for the non-sportsballers out there.

Is Giuliani correct, or is he wrong and dumb? Let's say BOTH. He is totally right that the GOP base is a meth stew of anti-gay bigots, womb-controlling creeps, and xenophobic zealots. But come on, America has so many other reasons to hate Rudy Giuliani. Like these reasons:

•  That time he whitesplained just how bad President Obama is at being black, and wished he could be a little more like that rapist Bill Cosby.

•  That time he said he COULDN'T be racist against Obama, because Obama's white anyway!

• That time he wouldn't do a sodomy-based marriage ceremony for his former gay roommates, and he PROMISED! Asshole.

• That time he said President George W. Bush didn't allow ANY terrorist attacks on US American soil during his presidency, which is true if you don't count Rudy Giuliani's middle name, which is 9/11. Also, anthrax attacks, the shoe bomber and 19 Kids And Counting .

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Four examples is enough, right? Because all patriotic Americans hate Rudy Giuliani for something or other, but mostly because he was SO GREAT during 9/11, and then proceeded to act as if that gave him a free pass to be a fucking dick about everything else in life, including how awesome he was, on 9/11.

[ Towleroad ]