Rudy Giuliani Opened His Dumb Mouth Again. It Didn't Go Well.
Oh, how we enjoyed that week or two when Rudy Giuliani STFU and stopped bothering us every time we turned on the TV set. We were hoping that maybe after the Department of Justice IG's report and the renewed focus on Giuliani disseminating leaked FBI New York office lies about Hillary Clinton's emails during the last month of the 2016 campaign, Giuliani had decided PERHAPS he shouldn't be out there running his mouth and obstructing an investigation he's actually involved in.
We were wrong.
We guess Giuliani just took a couple weeks off to get his merkin permed (ALLEGEDLY! GROSS!), and now he is back with incredibly curly pubes to run his stupid fucking mouth some more. Hooray for us! And hooray for the mental image we just gave you!
Curly pubes. assets.rbl.ms
It started at the end of the day Friday, when the New York Times dropped a story about how Donald Trump's lawyers have a new list of "demands" for Robert Mueller:
The special counsel, Robert S. Mueller III, needs to prove before Mr. Trump would agree to an interview that he has evidence that Mr. Trump committed a crime and that his testimony is essential to completing the investigation, said Rudolph W. Giuliani, the president's lead lawyer in the case. [...]
"If they can come to us and show us the basis and that it's legitimate and that they have uncovered something, we can go from there and assess their objectivity," Mr. Giuliani said in an interview.
YOU TELL US WHAT CRIME TRUMP DID AND WE'LL TELL YOU IF WE THINK YOU'RE DOING A WITCH HUNT. Giuliani added that the president's lawyers are planning on writing their own report on how everybody agrees there was no collusion and no obstruction, because that is definitely how Law 'n' Order works in the US and A.
But are they serious?
Mr. Giuliani acknowledged that Mr. Mueller was unlikely to agree to the interview demands.
Nah, they're just fucking with us.
And they're fucking with Mueller too, as the Times reports that they've been resisting his request to interview Chief of Staff John Kelly. Giuliani says if they had asked eight months ago, Trump's lawyers would have said yes. Now Giuliani says, based on nothing but the syphilitic fever dreams that seem to inhabit his brain these days, there is nobody on Mueller's team who has an "open mind" and is "objective," by which he means he's worried Mueller has the receipts on Trump crimes Kelly has been privy to. OH WELL, maybe Kelly can chit-chat with Mueller after he quits later this month, if the rumors are true.
As for Trump, Giuliani says he still totally wants to testify, but his very smart lawyers are holding him back, because they know Mueller will perjury trap the president by asking questions and forcing him to lie through his teeth in response. Truly, Trump is being treated unfairly.
After that NYT report landed like a hot turd, Giuliani went on TV to defend his own dumb mouth words. He tried to "clarify" on "Meet The Press" that he didn't really mean Robert Mueller has to show him the evidence he has on Trump. He's just asking Mueller to fess up about how he's only doing this investigation to witch hunt Trump:
"Of course he didn't commit a crime. They can investigate forever. They're not going to find any of that. What we're asking them for is: Is this the witch hunt that a lot of people think it is? Or is there a factual basis for this?"
Giuliani also tried to troll Michael Cohen (or maybe he was threatening him in a really stupid way) by saying Cohen should DEFINITELY cooperate with the Feds:
"If he wants to cooperate, I think it's great," he said, suggesting Cohen has "no evidence" that he was "involved in anything untoward with the president. The fact is that Michael has been a victim here like a lot of other people."
Giuliani added that it will all be fine as long as Cohen tells "the truth," by which he means as long as Cohen lies and says NO COLLUSION NO OBSTRUCTION WITCH HUNT! The response from Cohen's new lawyer Lanny Davis (Lanny Davis!) was more or less "LOL!"
On ABC's "This Week" with George Snuffleupagus, Giuliani continued to very convincingly explain that this is all a witch hunt, by admitting Trump tried to obstruct justice in the investigation into disgraced literal actual foreign agent Michael Flynn:
"Well, that's okay. He could have taken it that way, but by that time he had been fired," Giuliani responded. "He said a lot of other things, some of which has turned out to be untrue. The reality is, as a prosecutor, I was told that many times, 'can you give the man a break,' either by his lawyers, by his relatives, by his friends. You take that into consideration. But you know that doesn't determine not going forward with it."
See? No big deal. Trump just tried to ask James Comey, the FBI boss who served at his pleasure, to "give the man a break." And then when Comey kept doing the Russia investigation, Trump fired him. How is that a crime?
Giuliani also said on "This Week" that the Mueller investigation is corrupt because there were these FBI agents who were fucking and they sent each other text messages that said they didn't worship Dear Leader Trump and as we all know, in Trump's America, it is illegal to hate that fucking goon, THE END.
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