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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.


In that spirit, here's Roodles the Poodle saying on the Fox Biz'ness Network that no way no how were rogue FBI agents in the New York field office leaking secrets to him in September and October of 2016 about how they had just discovered Hillary emails on Anthony Weiner's JizzBook laptop:

Giuliani said that he and former FBI agents knew "by instinct that the New York office was enraged by what Comey had done," when he was asked on Fox Business Network about his advanced knowledge about the reopening of the Clinton probe.

"I never got a leaked information from any FBI agent," he said. "I haven't talked to an on-duty FBI agent, except for background checks, in a couple years. That information he's talking about came from retired FBI agents who were speculating about what was going to go on."

O RLY? Maybe we should refer to the top of this post and put those quotes through our Rudy Giuliani Bullshit test module to see if Giuliani is completely full of shit, and what a surprise, SURVEY SAYS YES!

Because we think Giuliani is saying he and those retired FBI agents just felt inside their hearts that the FBI was about to shit all over Hillary Clinton. Is that what he is saying?

Let's review a couple of Giuliani's TV quotes, from right before that fateful day when James Comey decided to blow an election:

Two days before FBI director James Comey rocked the world ... Rudy Giuliani was on Fox, where he volunteered, un-prodded by any question: "I think he's [Donald Trump] got a surprise or two that you're going to hear about in the next few days. I mean, I'm talking about some pretty big surprises."

Pressed for specifics, he said: "We've got a couple of things up our sleeve that should turn this thing around."

And:

"The other rumor that I get is that there's a kind of revolution going on inside the FBI about the original conclusion [not to charge Clinton] being completely unjustified and almost a slap in the face to the FBI's integrity," said Giuliani. "I know that from former agents. I know that even from a few active agents."

Rumors of a revolution! But not the kinds of rumors you hear directly from FBI agents, just the kind you hear from retired FBI agents who are speculating about rumors they have heard from active FBI agents? Suuuuuuuure, buddy.

Maybe Giuliani is dicking us around with semantics because he didn't personally let FBI New York field office agents leak all over him. Maybe they did that to Giuliani's buddy Jim Kallstrom, who used to run the goddamn New York field office, and who also goes on Fox News all the time. He and Roodles are BESTIES.

According to the Daily Beast, Kallstrom got some leaks directly from active FBI agents:

By Sept. 28, Kallstrom said he'd been contacted by hundreds of people, including "a lot of retired agents and a few on the job," declaring the agents "involved in this thing feel like they've been stabbed in the back." So, he said, "I think we're going to see a lot more of the facts come out in the course of the next few months. That's my prediction."

Huh. So all these conspiracy twats in the New York FBI field office -- fucking dorks who may literally masturbate to Clinton Cash -- were whining all summer and fall after James Comey refused to put Hillary Clinton in email jail (based on their dumbass assumptions about an investigation they weren't even on), and then in late September of 2016, the New York office found those emails on Anthony Weiner's laptop. "By Sept. 28," per Daily Beast, Kallstrom was getting ALL THE LEAKS.

And we're just a-guessin' he told his dipshit pal Rudy Giuliani, who immediately went on TV to blab his fucking facehole, like he always does.

Glad Giuliani went ahead and cleared up the question of whether or not he's full of shit, though. It is just some brand spankin' new information we had not figured out for ourselves.

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[ Politico / Talking Points Memo / The Daily Beast]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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