Rudy Giuliani Has COVID-19. We Feel Just Terrible About It.


Sunday, Donald Trump took a break from whining about the election he obviously lost and briefly acknowledged that COVID-19 still exists. The US averaged an astonishing 191,524 cases per day over the past week, and at least 2,190 Americans died on Saturday, which is almost a 9/11 number. However, Trump's thoughts and prayers are at least with one victim of his malicious incompetence.

Yes, Rudy Giuliani, the Garbage Pail Kid who made good, has tested positive for COVID-19, and yes, Trump is still calling the disease “the China Virus." If conservatives aren't going to wear masks or social distance, maybe they could try crystals or something because obviously gross racism isn't the silver bullet.

Giuliani was admitted to the hospital Sunday. His son, Andrew, also tested positive last month. You probably expect me to wish this racist asshole well, but I won't. I'm not rooting for the coronavirus or anything, but I'm not wasting any of my thoughts and godless prayers on him.

Giuliani is 76 and looks like he just drank from the wrong Holy Grail. However, unlike the 281,878 Americans who've died from the disease so far, the former New York City mayor has a good shot at recovery.

Physician and scientist Eric Topol predicted that Trump's personal attorney — if you're generous enough to call what he's been practicing the past few weeks “law" — would get hooked up with the monoclonal antibody treatment a manic Trump claimed granted him eternal life. Trump kindly shared this magic elixir with his buddies Chris Christie and Ben Carson, which I suppose is only fair as he likely exposed them to COVID-19 during one of his many superspreader events at the White House.

This treatment, however, is not yet cleared for general use, so only the mad king's most devoted courtiers can have a taste.

Giuliani, like most of Trump's faithful stooges, has not treated COVID-19 seriously. During an April appearance on Laura Ingraham's white power hour, Giuliani suggested coronavirus contact tracing was like tracking people who have lung cancer, heart disease, and obesity, which "kill far more people." That's obviously absurd but this sort of deliberate misinformation is probably why your Nana won't wear a mask when she leaves the house.

Giuliani didn't wear a mask during his self-own press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping or at the hot mess Kraken-release party where his flesh suit started to melt. Last week, at the Michigan hearing on imaginary voter fraud that resulted in a Black legislator receiving death threats, a maskless Giuliani asked a woman to remove hers so he could leak Just For Men-brand COVID all over her.

When all politicians, regardless of party, should've modeled and encouraged positive behavior that would've slowed the pandemic's spread, Giuliani helped make public health a culture war issue, mocking Joe Biden because he wore a mask. Biden didn't care about "science"! He was just virtue signaling.

DR. GIULIANI: It isn't science to be wearing that mask, Joe, when you are giving a speech and people are 30 to 40 feet away from you. The only thing you can infect is the teleprompter that's near you. So, I see through you. That's a political statement to scare people, wearing that mask. You do not need that mask when you are standing at a podium.

We're almost to the end of this hell year, and the president-elect has only injured his foot playing with a dog. He hasn't face planted into COVID-19 like people in Trump's orbit. You could easily play Six Degrees of COVID with any one of those dummies.

Giuliani has kept up a busy travel schedule as part of his antidemocratic efforts to overturn an election. Typhoid Rudy was in Atlanta, Georgia, Thursday peddling tinfoil hat conspiracies, and Georgia state Senator Elena Parent, who attended the stupid hearing, said Giuliani and his elite squad of imbeciles "willingly endangered all of us to pander to Trump."

Parent also received death threats immediately following the hearing. She's a Democrat but the disturbing number of death threats going around are fully bipartisan. Anyone's a target who doesn't swallow Trump's bullshit with a smile.

Giuliani is a known racist who I've personally loathed since I lived through his reign of terror in New York. Seems like he's held Black Lives Matter and anyone who protests against police violence personally responsible if a random cop so much as catches a cold. Now, he's actively endangered the public, either by knowingly undermining our democracy with lies or just by exposing people to his disgusting self.

But get well soon, Rudy ... I guess. I wouldn't want the nation deprived of your richly deserved perp walk.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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