Rudy Giuliani's having a weird one. Yeah, that is obviously an evergreen statement. But he just needs you to know and understand and acknowledge that HE IS NOT DRUNK. Have we had this conversation before? It sure feels like it. Would we even be mad if Giuliani was drunk? After all, he's not allowed to practice law in New York or DC at the moment, which means he's probably got some time on his hands, and his life has probably never been in a darker place than it is right now, he's broke and under criminal investigation by the office he used to run.

Have 95 drinks, Rudy!

Anyway, this is the Daily Mail's headline:

EXCLUSIVE: 'Yes, I had one scotch': Giuliani says he was NOT drunk during rambling September 11th speech at Cipriani, isn't an alcoholic and denies mocking the Queen: Claims he is the victim of a left-wing smear

This is just an awesome news story. He wasn't drunk, he's not an alcoholic, he didn't make fun of the Queen, and he wasn't touching his penis, officer, YOU WERE TOUCHING YOUR PENIS, OFFICER.


Reading further down into the Daily Mail piece, Rudy says he had one Scotch with his dinner, but is "not even sure I drank the whole damn thing." We guess his memory of that is fuzzy HE WAS NOT DRUNK.

'Yes I had a Scotch. But I was not drunk. There is a deliberate attempt [by] the left wing to paint me that way,' he told DailyMail.com in an interview Sunday evening.

He also denied mocking the Queen when he made comments, captured on video, where he adopted a faux English accent and said: 'You did a wonderful job on Sept. 11. And therefore I'm making you an honorary knight, commander of the royal something or other.'

We have nothing to say, we are just reading these words along with you.

In addition to explaining his comments – made at an evening event on the 20th anniversary of the Sept. 11th attacks that established his brand as 'America's mayor' long before he sought to dig up dirt on Joe Biden in Ukraine – Giuliani said unsubstantiated accusations of public inebriation were harmful to his reputation, and were being undertaken because of his efforts on behalf of Donald Trump.

'I am without a doubt the most accomplished prosecutor of the 20th Century,' he said ...

Hahahahahahahahaha oh wait he is serious.

Giuliani said the idea that he was mocking the Queen is 'an interpretation that's totally unfair. I use an English accent.'

He said that when receiving an honorary knighthood he told the Queen he rested on the shoulders of giants, and she responded to him that: "That's why you're such a great leader." It was a beautiful interchange.'

'And I have never mocked it. I just like to use an English – I imitate Churchill sometimes.'

He's not drunk, he's not mocking the Queen, he's just literally Churchill is all. We keep interrupting, we're sorry, we should let Rudy continue to make things better for himself.

The former New York City mayor and Donald Trump lawyer also addressed his comments Saturday night about Prince Andrew, which he brought up unprompted during his speech.

'Never had a drink with him, never was with a woman or young girl with him. Ever, ever, ever,' Giuliani said during his speech.

SAME.

And again, he's not drunk, it was just all this Scotch:

'I am not a drunk. I don't think I've ever [been] publicly drunk in my life. The last time I was – was probably in college. I like to drink Scotch and have cigars. That's where it probably comes from. I drink moderate amounts of Scotch. I mostly drink Scotch because I like to have it with cigars. I didn't have a cigar last night. And this is a caricature that the left is trying to put on me … I can't remember the last time that I was drunk. And I'm not just going to put up with it anymore. I've got to do something about it.'

He is not a drunk, he has never been a drunk, he was drunk in college, he drinks Scotch and smoke cigars in a moderate amount, he likes that a lot, but he didn't have a cigar last night, he can't remember last time he was drunk, it's all a blank, ALLEGEDLY.

Should we keep going? Because Rudy just kept talking to the Daily Mail:

Giuliani bristled when asked to explain a comment he made last month to NBC, where he also denied having a drinking problem and called himself 'functioning,' amid anonymous comments by former White House aides about his alleged drinking.

'I'm not an alcoholic,' Giuliani told the network. 'I'm a functioning, I probably function more effectively than 90 percent of the population.'

He recoiled when DailyMail.com asked if he had been making a connection to the term 'functioning alcoholic.'
'I'm not an alcoholic. I use the word functioning, I don't know why I used the word functioning. I am not an alcoholic. I am 77 years old. I've never been an alcoholic. I've never been treated for alcoholism. I have worked every day of my life. The longest time I ever took off was for COVID.

'If I was an alcoholic, I'd be fricking dead by now. It is [a] complete lie. I'm on television all the time. I'm as lucid as you can be. I'm not demented like Joe Biden. I can go before the Supreme Court … I have already many times. I write. I do a podcast twice a week. I do a radio show … five times a week. I answer questions from people constantly. I'm probably one of the sharpest guys you're ever going to meet. And you want to put me in a court room and I'll kick the s*** out of anybody. I am not an alcoholic.'

He said the word 'functioning' has '10 other meanings. I'm not even sure of what the significance of using that word is. Am I a functioning alcoholic? No. I'm a fully functioning human being. About as fully functional as you can find. I think I usually work about 16 hours a day. And it's outrageous that people are doing this to me. But it's because I'm defending Donald Trump. That's the reason they're doing it. Nobody ever did this to me two years ago. I was the G-man of the year two years ago. I am without a doubt the most accomplished prosecutor of the 20th Century. Without doubt. There's no question about it,' he said.

LOL we missed all that when it happened, and it is amazing. Rudy Giuliani is a HIGH-FUNCTIONING NON-ALCOHOLIC, everyone. He is like an entire case of O'Doul's in that way.

You're probably wanting to see some of these videos now, if you haven't already.

Here is Rudy doing a "British accent" while exhibiting all the signs of sobriety:

Here's Rudy going on some bender tirade about General Mark Milley, but he pronounces it "Miley" like the Cyrus. This video is ... well, the part where he says he wants to shove Milley's stars down his throat is interesting! But not in a drunk way.

"How's that guy a General?" Giuliani fumed. He said he wished he could grab Milley by his stars, "shove it [the stars?] down his throat, and say [the Bagram Airport] is 400 miles from China, asshole!"

In conclusion, Bernie Kerik says Rudy wasn't drunk and Bernie Kerik is definitely a guy we think of when we think of telling the truth, so Rudy must not have been drunk.

The end.

[Daily Mail / h/t JoeMyGod]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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