*Rudy Giuliani* President Trump's Newest Lawyer? Fuck It, Why Not.

Leader of the coup?

RUDY GIULIANI? REALLY??? Did Trump's brain just stall out 30 years ago? Get ready to Make America 1986 Again! Giuliani hasn't practiced criminal law in 20 years -- why slog through briefs when you can hoover up cash lobbying for oil companies and foreign dictators, right? He does spend a lot of time shit-talking on Fox, though, which appears to be the main qualification in Trumpland.

There's also the little matter of Giuliani being abso-fucking-lutely delusional.

Giuliani told the NYPost,

I don’t know yet what’s outstanding. But I don’t think it’s going to take more than a week or two to get a resolution. They’re almost there.

“I’m going to ask Mueller, ‘What do you need to wrap it up?

Riiiight. Mueller is currently grinding the heel of his wingtip into Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen's balls, not because he's trying to flip them, but because he's just a couple of weeks away from wrapping this whole thing up.

Sounds legit!

Here in Wonkland, though, we can think of one or two reasons why Giuliani is an odd choice to represent President NO COLLUSION in the Mueller investigation. Let's Whatthefucksplore!!

Rudy's Ass-Deep in an FBI Leak Investigation

Hey remember all that talk in 2016 about Hillary's Buttery Emails? Remember how "America's Mayor" told Fox in October that something big was coming, and how he bragged that officials in the FBI's New York office had told him in advance that Comey was about to re-open the investigation of Hillary's emails during the last week of the campaign?

I had expected this for the last, honestly, to tell you the truth, I thought it was going to be about three, four weeks ago. Because way back in July this started. So this has been boiling up in the FBI [...] I did nothing to get it out. I had no role in it. Did I hear about it? You're darn right I heard about it! And I can't even repeat the language that I heard.

Seems that James Comey was not fucking impressed with his New York shop, which was obsessively flogging that bullshit Clinton Cash book as EVIDENCE that the Clinton Foundation was corrupt. (Tell us again why the Steele Dossier was an inappropriate source?) Comey launched an investigation by the FBI's inspector general to figure out who was leaking classified info to Giuliani. And it's gonna be mighty awkward next month when that report comes out if it implicates the president's new lawyer in a criminal leak prosecution.

Rudy Is Ass-Deep in Michael Flynn's Turkey Fucking

Look, we know it's a little weeds-y, but go back and look at this piece we wrote in November about Michael Flynn trying to get $15 million from the Turkish government for handing over Recep Tayyip Erdogan's arch enemy Fethullah Gülen and Turkish gold trader Reza Zarrab.

But then, last year, as the SDNY office was building a case against Zarrab violating the Iran sanctions regime, Giuliani threw a huge wrench in the works by trying to get Zarrab back to Turkey, where he presumably wouldn't implicate Erdogan, in exchange for Americans held in Turkish prisons.

Were you wondering what this tweet was about?

We mean besides Donald Trump actually calling himself a spy, whoops. More relevantly: Giuliani was trying to trade Zarrab for Brunson -- which was admittedly less slimy than Flynn, who was just trying to sell Zarrab to the Turkish government. But neither plan panned out, and Zarrab became a cooperating witness for the Mueller investigation.

Does he have a story to tell about Rudy Giuliani? WHO KNOWS!

Rudy Is Ass-Deep in Clients Related to the Russia Investigation

Giuliani hasn't practiced law lately. He's been kind of busy giving $200,000 speeches while his firm lobbied for multi-national corporations. Like who? Well ...

  • Alfa Bank, which is in Russia, but has that weird server that was the only pen pal for the weird server belonging to the Trump Organization;
  • Rosneft, the giant Russian oil company that the Kremlin spies dangled in front of Carter Page;
  • The Emirate of Qatar; and
  • Tri-Global Strategic Ventures, a PR firm for Kremlin-connected oligarchs

Nothing to see here, folks!


WTF, indeed. Luckily, Trump finally managed to score two real, practicing lawyers yesterday, although he had to go all the way to Florida to do it. Martin and Jane Raskin are former prosecutors with a well-respected criminal and white-collar defense practice in Coral Gables. McClatchy quotes Dan Weinstein, a former federal prosecutor in Miami as saying, "You hire them to come in and get the job done and not make a lot of noise about it," which differentiates them from Giuliani.

Is this a sign that Trump's legal team is going to stop being such a clown show and get its shit together? Will the Raskins tell their client that he needs to STFU and stop tweeting already?

Maybe not. Or maybe they did, and they've already been You're Fired!

Or maybe this a sign that the President of Mar-a-Lago is about to be indicted on new charges in Florida! We're just saying, the old fool's been tweeting a lot of crazy shit about the Washington Post this week...

See you for BREAKING!

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[NYPost / The Stern Facts / Atlantic / McClatchy / ShareBlue / NYT]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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