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Forget impeachment, Donald Trump needs to go to the Hague for the WAR CRIME of making us watch Rudy Giuliani flap his dentures on television every single night. (Why yes, he WILL be on Laura Ingraham tonight!) LOCK HIM UP. BOTH OF THEM.

But, because we love you (and we are but blogging rats in this insane impeachment maze), we're going to do this as a Fast 'n' Dirty Rudy Roundup. Hurry up and read it now before that goddamn lunatic does something else nuts!

The Subpoena

On Monday, House Democrats dropped a subpoena for documents on the president's personal lawyer cum State Department Attaché, saying, "Our inquiry includes an investigation of credible allegations that you acted as an agent of the President in a scheme to advance his personal political interest by abusing the power of the Office of the President." Which doesn't really take much inquiring, since he's been trying to make this Ukrainium One scam happen since January and bragging about it in the pages of the New York Times since May 2.

In response, Rudy says he may or may not comply. You know, depends on how he feels.


HAHAHA, okay buddy. Aside from the fact that there's no attorney client privilege for work done in concert with the State Department, there's no privilege for commission of a crime, Giuliani already claimed to be not acting as a lawyer, both the lawyer and the client have flapped their yaps about the subject matter and specific communications all over television and Twitter -- SOUNDS LEGIT.

Gonna Sue Errrrybody

Nobody doesn't talk to The Atlantic's Elaina Plott. My goodness, do they not understand she's going to publish that shit?

"Looking at a jaw suit to end lawless action"

"How do you sue The Swamp?"

"In federal court"

OH.

Lest you non-lawyers think that's kind of vague and maybe, you know, NOT A THING, Rudy took to the Tweeters this morning to spell it out.

Yes, Rudy, please consider those "several illicit plans, carried out by illegal means" very carefully. Maybe if Larry Klayman hasn't been disbarred yet he can help draft a lawsuit against Congress for the crime of carrying out an impeachment whose procedures are explicitly laid out in the Constitution.

Lawyerin' Up

Rudy may be a fool with a fool for a client, but he's not so much of a fool as to represent himself in this nonsense. Politico reports that he's hired former Watergate prosecutor Jon Sale to represent him in the coming impeachment fight. To all appearances, Sale appears to be a serious adult, not a partisan buffoon. But who knows what 25 years of Rupert Murdoch's poison can do to a man. (cf. Bill Barr, inter alia)

Rudy's chucklefuck Ukrainian-American buddy Lev Parnas, who along with his pal Igor Fruman has been working to gin up this Biden nonsense, got served with a document request from the House on Monday. (They have also been "working" all over South Florida!) And his lawyer is a character you might remember from Season 1 -- John "Purple Comic Sans" Dowd. You know, the guy who left a pardon dangle for Michael Flynn on his answering machine and got caught discussing legal strategy with Trump's other other idiot lawyer Ty Cobb in a restaurant.

We can only hope that Fruman has hired Cobb to represent him before Congress. It's the most preposterous outcome, and thus the most likely.

Rudy's Filthy Friends

Let us not forget that Rudy's entire bullshit thesis is that legendarily corrupt Ukrainian Prosecutor Viktor Shokin, whose MO was opening an investigation and shaking down the target for cash to close it; who was condemned by the G7, the IMF, the entire Obama administration, and the EU; and who had closed the investigation into the oligarch who owned the gas company paying Hunter Biden (probably after receiving a bribe) .... is actually THE GOOD GUY here.

Having failed to get the current prosecutor Ruslan Ryaboshapka to charge Hunter or Joe Biden, Giuliani went back to the last one. But Yuriy Lutsenko wouldn't play ball either. So now Rudy's going all the way back to Shokin, who was only too delighted to swear out an affidavit saying that he never did take no bribes, and was just about to indict Hunter Biden's employer when evil Joe Biden swooped in to protect his no-good son.

Here on Planet Earth, Biden put his son's employer in greater jeopardy by getting Shokin fired. But anyway, check out this video Rudy pinned to his Twitter because he .... thinks it makes him look good????

Either we are tripping on DayQuil, or that guy is batshit insane.

JK, IT IS BOTH.

[Giuliani Subpoena / Politico]

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