Wonkers! If we are still out there bragging to our friends about shagging a married lady with "big boobs" when we are 74, please sit on us and duct tape our mouth shut. Ditto if we ever cosy up to a viper like Laura Ingraham and give an interview this moronic.

Now, keep in mind that both Rudy Giuliani and Laura Ingraham are attorneys, so when they make lie words about the law, they are both in on the con. Take for instance this fun segment, which Ingraham kicks off by falsely claiming that Donald Trump dropped all his business interests when he ran for president.

Ingraham: Look, they had all these business interests all over the country. They then dropped this stuff when he ran for president. And [Cohen] wanted to get that [Trump Tower Moscow] done, reportedly had written a note to Putin saying, you know, "This thing is a logjam here, What's going to happen?" And it didn't go anywhere. But that's always listed in like the one or two or three "Russian interest" contacts that Cohen made. Are you aware of this? Have you been discussing this?

Giuliani: Yeah, we're aware of it, and we think it has no connection.

Ingraham: Was it greenlighted by candidate Trump?

Giuliani: I can't tell you that. That would be in confidence. But the reality is, it wouldn't matter. Nothing came of it, there was no quid pro quo for it.

Ah, yes, the famous, "I stuck a gun in his face, but the wallet was empty" defense. Works every time! Please, Mr. Giuliani, tell us how Trump moved on Moscow like a bitch, but he just couldn't get there. Good thing you have another lawyer of unimpeachable integrity to pretend that no one ever got prosecuted for trying to commit a crime.

(We meant Laura Ingraham. And we were KIDDING.)

I checked into this last night. It's not so. He's not cooperating, nor do we care because the president did nothing wrong. We're very comfortable if he cooperates that there's nothing he can cooperate about with regard to President Trump. I am absolutely certain about that from everything I know about that investigation.

Let's pretend for a minute that Rudy Giuliani, a former prosecutor, actually believes Mueller would tell him if Cohen had flipped. And let's further pretend that Giuliani, a former prosecutor, actually believes Cohen has zero beans to spill on Donald Trump. And hell, while we're at it, let's pretend that Giuliani, A FORMER PROSECUTOR, thinks Mueller is "harassing" Cohen for allegedly selling access to the president, campaign finance violations, and lying to the FBI. And heck, let's pretend that Rudy Giuliani, A FORMER GODDAMN PROSECUTOR, is just astonished that Manafort could be charged with obstruction for sending secret WhatsApp messages to witnesses against him in a criminal investigation.

And now let's quit pretending, since the whole thing is PREPOSTEROUS.

OH COME THE FUCK ON. The guy was so shady his own lawyers insisted upon meeting with him in pairs so they'd have a witness. He stiffed hundreds of creditors. He called up reporters pretending to be a publicist named John Barron and planted flattering stories about himself. FFS, 30 years ago the Australians said he was too dirty to run a casino.

Jesus, Rudy! You're more credible as an aging Lothario than a spokesman. Oh, wait ...

How the hell did Nosferatu get another girlfriend since yesterday?!?!?

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If it's a day, the New York Times is fucking shit up, but today, it fucked up BIGLY.

Fresh-faced access journalists Adam Goldman and Michael Schmidt have just published what we can only describe as a drive-by shooting against Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, which reads as some bullshit planted by the White House to give Donald Trump the pretext for his Saturday Night Massacre, if he wants it. (He does.)

Maybe the White House is tired of talking about the flailing nomination of Judge Maybe Rapey and how Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are cooperating with special counsel Robert Mueller, and the New York Times was more than happy to help!

Or maybe it was planted by former deputy director of the FBI Andrew McCabe, who was fired by Attorney General Jeff Sessions just hours before his pension was set to kick in, and may have a serious axe to grind with DoJ officials and leaked a copy of his own memos. (His lawyer says that's not true, but he would say that, wouldn't he?)

Or maybe it's both, somehow! Or one of many other things!

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It's not every day Golf Digest gets noticed as a source of hard-hitting investigative journalism, at least outside of reviews of titanium carbon fiber nanotech infinite improbability drivers or some such. But Wednesday, some journamalisming that started with a Golf Digest story about a guy who drew fantastic imaginary golf courses concluded with that guy, Valentino Dixon, walking out of Attica prison, 27 years after he'd been sentenced for 39 years to life. Not bad, Golf Digest. We give you a GOLF CLAP. And a Pulitzer if we had one, which, sadly, we don't.

As Golf Digest says, the twists and turns of the case are a bit complex (they're unraveled in more detail in this New York Times story), but it basically comes down to a local prosecutor who was determined to railroad Dixon for the 1991 murder of a 17-year-old, Torriano Jackson, in Buffalo, New York. The conviction involved

shoddy police work, zero physical evidence linking Dixon, conflicting testimony of unreliable witnesses, the videotaped confession to the crime by another man, a public defender who didn't call a witness at trial, and perjury charges against those who said Dixon didn't do it.

Dixon had a prior conviction for selling cocaine, and he made a convenient target for Erie County prosecutor Chris Belling, who was weirdly determined to ignore even statements from the actual killer, LaMarr Scott, who pleaded guilty to the killing shortly before Dixon's release this week.

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