Wonkers! If we are still out there bragging to our friends about shagging a married lady with "big boobs" when we are 74, please sit on us and duct tape our mouth shut. Ditto if we ever cosy up to a viper like Laura Ingraham and give an interview this moronic.

Now, keep in mind that both Rudy Giuliani and Laura Ingraham are attorneys, so when they make lie words about the law, they are both in on the con. Take for instance this fun segment, which Ingraham kicks off by falsely claiming that Donald Trump dropped all his business interests when he ran for president.

Ingraham: Look, they had all these business interests all over the country. They then dropped this stuff when he ran for president. And [Cohen] wanted to get that [Trump Tower Moscow] done, reportedly had written a note to Putin saying, you know, "This thing is a logjam here, What's going to happen?" And it didn't go anywhere. But that's always listed in like the one or two or three "Russian interest" contacts that Cohen made. Are you aware of this? Have you been discussing this?

Giuliani: Yeah, we're aware of it, and we think it has no connection.

Ingraham: Was it greenlighted by candidate Trump?

Giuliani: I can't tell you that. That would be in confidence. But the reality is, it wouldn't matter. Nothing came of it, there was no quid pro quo for it.

Ah, yes, the famous, "I stuck a gun in his face, but the wallet was empty" defense. Works every time! Please, Mr. Giuliani, tell us how Trump moved on Moscow like a bitch, but he just couldn't get there. Good thing you have another lawyer of unimpeachable integrity to pretend that no one ever got prosecuted for trying to commit a crime.

(We meant Laura Ingraham. And we were KIDDING.)

I checked into this last night. It's not so. He's not cooperating, nor do we care because the president did nothing wrong. We're very comfortable if he cooperates that there's nothing he can cooperate about with regard to President Trump. I am absolutely certain about that from everything I know about that investigation.

Let's pretend for a minute that Rudy Giuliani, a former prosecutor, actually believes Mueller would tell him if Cohen had flipped. And let's further pretend that Giuliani, a former prosecutor, actually believes Cohen has zero beans to spill on Donald Trump. And hell, while we're at it, let's pretend that Giuliani, A FORMER PROSECUTOR, thinks Mueller is "harassing" Cohen for allegedly selling access to the president, campaign finance violations, and lying to the FBI. And heck, let's pretend that Rudy Giuliani, A FORMER GODDAMN PROSECUTOR, is just astonished that Manafort could be charged with obstruction for sending secret WhatsApp messages to witnesses against him in a criminal investigation.

And now let's quit pretending, since the whole thing is PREPOSTEROUS.

OH COME THE FUCK ON. The guy was so shady his own lawyers insisted upon meeting with him in pairs so they'd have a witness. He stiffed hundreds of creditors. He called up reporters pretending to be a publicist named John Barron and planted flattering stories about himself. FFS, 30 years ago the Australians said he was too dirty to run a casino.

Jesus, Rudy! You're more credible as an aging Lothario than a spokesman. Oh, wait ...

How the hell did Nosferatu get another girlfriend since yesterday?!?!?

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There could still be a partial shutdown of the government starting Saturday if Congress doesn't pass a budget bill in time, but at least Donald Trump has caved, yet again, on what last week he insisted was absolutely completely necessary to keep the government open. You might remember it -- dude said he'd be PROUD to shut down the government and take credit for it if he didn't get $5 billion to build the thing. Today, he's more like MEH, what wall, he can fund it some other way, maybe, honestly, who cares, it's time for golf, isn't it? Whatever his thinking, Trump has dropped the wall-funding ultimatum, though there's still no budget deal, because congressional Democrats aren't about to take Mitch McConnell's crappy alternative offer, either.

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December 18. One week before Christmas. In a normal and just and sane world, the news cycle would be dying and we'd be decking the halls and trying to find dumb things to write about just to make YOU DINGBATS happy. (Christmas week in 2015 we wrote about an idiot rightwing Christian extremist named Bryan Fischer, who thinks dinosaurs in the Bible were really just VERY OLD GRANDMA BIBLE LIZARDS.) But alas, Barack Obama is no longer president, so the shitshow continues.

Donald Trump is, of course, about to head off on vacation, from his ... paid vacation in Washington. Basically he's just transferring his voluminous ass to a different gold-plated toilet so he can do his Twitter-shits in a sunnier climate. Regardless, Gabe Sherman reports that the White House is on edge, because OH SHIT, PRESIDENT TINKLE SMELLS WILL BE WITHOUT AN ADULT CHAPERONE FOR TWO WEEKS, THIS IS VERY, VERY BAD.

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