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On Friday, after work, we decided to text one of our best friends to see what she was doing that night. So we pulled out our iPhone and typed "Hey, what you doing this evening," and then we laughed at ourselves because we realized we typed that INTO OUR GOOGLE SEARCH BAR, and we looked at ourselves in the mirror and said "OK Boomer," even though we are not a Boomer.

Speaking of that, computer genius cyber expert superlawyer Rudy Giuliani appears to have texted his password, or a password, to a reporter named Roger Sollenberger, who had just published a thing at BuzzFeed where Giuliani had confirmed some new Ukraine crimes for him, like Giuliani does all the time whenever he opens his mouth. And then it was a dark and stormy night, and Rudy went to a baseball game with Alan Dershowitz:

Two days after publication, on the evening he attended a Yankees playoff game with Alan Dershowitz, Giuliani — President Donald Trump's 75-year-old informal cybersecurity adviser — accidentally texted me what appeared to be a password: Eight characters, beginning with the name of a networking company and including a capital letter, a special character, and a number. Multiple IT experts confirmed it could be nothing else, and, given the iPhone's messaging setup, impossible to type with your butt or in any other unwitting way.

Au contraire, Roger Sollenberger! Maybe Rudy Giuliani's butt just has remarkable dexterity! But is he left-cheeked or right-cheeked? That is what enterprising journalists need to find out.

Sollenberger decided to be nice and say hello, my dude, you appear to have just given me your password, and Rudy said no I gave you my ASSWORD!

I alerted him. He replied, "Oh, that was just a butt dial," but thanked me, punctuated with a smiley-face emoji.

:)

OK, so obviously "Rudy Giuliani, Cyber Expert" is a running joke at this point, because he is BAD AT CYBER.

But this story is just beginning!


Now Is When The Story Gets Weird! Because It Was TOTALLY NORMAL Before.

This whole password/assword situation seems to have set Sollenberger off on a bit of a chase that ended up maybe possibly confirming the identity of "Charles," whom Giuliani had referenced that time his ass dialed a reporter and left a bunch of voicemails:

"You know," Giuliani says at the beginning of the recording, "Charles would have a hard time with a fraud case 'cause he didn't do any due diligence."

Sollenberger tells the story of how Rudy Giuliani, Cyber Sexpert, hired a comms director back in September to fix his cybers, and she is (of course) a 20-year-old person who goes to Liberty University and who spells her name "Christianné Allen" because that's where accent marks go. Because if you were the President of Cyber like Rudy Giuliani, you'd only hire the best people as your comms director, and when all the best people said no, you'd hire some dick Liberty University student.

Allen's Instagram is private now, but her bio describes her as a "saved by Jesus Christ" and a "comms for Rudy" and a Trump idiot and a Turning Point USA idiot and also a Daily Caller idiot.

And, you see, it turns out that Christi-ah-nay is also somehow related to the criminal case against Rudy's Ukrainian-American Chucklefucks, which is running parallel to the impeachment investigation into Donald Trump, because Christi-ah-nay knows a "Charles."

The new hire — 20-year-old Liberty University Online communications major ('22) Christianné Allen—is currently the most solid connection between the work the President's private attorney was doing in Ukraine, an ongoing federal investigation into two of his clients, and a Long Island personal injury lawyer who for reasons still unclear reportedly paid Giuliani $500,000 in two lump-sum "loans" on behalf of a scam business in the fall of 2018.

Wait What? OK, Let's Back Up!

The "Long Island personal injury lawyer" Sollenberger refers to right there is Charles Gucciardo, who might be the "Charles" Roodles was talking about in that message that went straight from his ass to a reporter's voicemail. Wonkette's Five Dollar Feminist told the story of Gucciardo right here. And it seems that Christi-ah-nay interned for Mr. Gucciardo back in 2016, when she was like ... 17, we guess?

Anyway, THAT GUY threw $500,000 in the direction of a "company" called Fraud Guarantee, started by Lev Parnas, one of the Chucklefucks, which was named "Fraud Guarantee" so that when you Googled "Fraud" and "Lev Parnas," you'd find his company, and not ... you know ... anything else bad that might come up when you Googled those terms. And Rudy Giuliani, AMERICA'S NEXT TOP CYBER, was going to do the commercials for "Fraud Guarantee."

That $500,000? That was Roodles The Clown's "pitch fee." And Gucciardo's investment would mean he'd have a stake in this VERY REAL COMPANY that fights ALL THE FRAUD, they GUARANTEE IT.

Per Gucciardo's lawyer, he did so because Giuliani was involved, and Giuliani was "the first name in cybersecurity."

No, he isn't.

Anyway, everybody says this is all on the up-and-up, you betcha and like such as, collect underpants, ???????, PROFIT!

But as Sollenberger reminds us, if this is the same "Charles" Rudy Giuliani was speaking of with his ass to the reporter's voicemail, then what Rudy's ass said about him was that "Charles would have a hard time with a fraud case 'cause he didn't do any due diligence." Not that there are any "fraud cases" working their way through the criminal justice system at this very moment involving any of these characters, OH WAIT.

But what Sollenberger is really here to tell us is that, from what he can tell, Christi-ah-nay the Liberty U student comms director saved by Jesus intern is "the only thing that binds this group other than money," the "group" being Rudy Giuliani, Charles Gucciardo, and Lev The Chucklefuck.

She's known Gucciardo since at least 2015, and is on the internet in pictures with his son. She "tried to start a combination marijuana business–reality TV show in Nevada with her father" sometime after the 2016 election, but that didn't go nowhere. (Because of course! Hey, know who ELSE tried to start a marijuana business in Nevada? READ LEV PARNAS'S AND IGOR FRUMAN'S INDICTMENT!) Guess Liberty University is making exceptions for former marijuana business-ers these days!

And oh yeah, she's always at these idiot-ass Trump fundraisers, including those thrown by the America First PAC. (Hey, know who ELSE ... yeah!)

It sounds like one of those America First PAC events in June 2018, which Allen attended with Gucciardo, may have been the first time every moron in this story collided.

Here, have a picture! Christi-ah-nay is second from the left on the top, we think, Rudy is Rudy, and Rep. Peter King, who just announced he is quitting Congress, is also in it:

And ... just ...

After the Trump International fundraiser, Gucciardo donated $50,000 to America First. The next month Parnas and Fruman traveled with Gucciardo to Israel, where they were photographed with Anthony Scaramucci, who said Parnas and Fruman were trying to "rope people into their game" on the trip. On his return, Parnas pledged Giuliani the $500,000 payment, but, needing cash, got Gucciardo to front the money. According to the New York Times, this money secured Parnas's relationship with Giuliani, which as far as we know was about three months old.

Parnas and Fruman ramped up their work for Giuliani. In November 2018, according to Giuliani, Parnas began introducing him to Ukrainian officials, and Giuliani made his own trip to the country. Parnas and Fruman made some more trips abroad — including reportedly trying to shake down a powerful oligarch — and then, in April of this year, Gucciardo was given a "friend of Zion" award at a Times Square event that also honored Parnas and Fruman. Giuliani posed onstage for pictures.

And There's So Much More! But It's Making Our Heads Hurt, So You Should Read It Yourdamnself.

Anyway, now Christi-ah-nay, the 20-year-old marijuana Jesus-er Liberty University MAGA idiot, is the "comms director" for Rudy and she appears to have gotten there because she knows "Charles," who forked over $500,000 to Rudy so he could do TV commercials for Guaranteed Fraud or whatever it is called, or maybe Charles introduced her to Lev The Chucklefuck who introduced her to Rudy, or maybe she was also pals with Lev back in their marijuana business days, fuck if we know, and we are learning all about this story because Rudy's ass allegedly sent his internet password to a reporter.

The only thing we can say to all of this is just ... why? Why do we have to read stupid idiot stories like this? Why are the president's best friends such fucking imbeciles? Why is the president? Really, just in general, WHY?

And why is Christi-AH-NAY? That is not where accents go on names. It just isn't.

Why.

[Salon]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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