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Rudy Giuliani knows exactly how the Special Counsel investigation will end. Pretty soon the Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court will march down Pennsylvania Avenue and do LOCK HER UPS to Robert Mueller for destruction of evidence. Take it from the president's IRL, sharp-as-a-tack attorney!

"Mueller should be investigated for destruction of evidence for allowing those text messages from Strzok to be erased, messages that would show the state of mind and tactics of his lead anti-Trump FBI agent at the start of his probe," Giuliani said.

That quote is from a series of batshit phone calls Giuliani made to Hill reporter Buck Sexton and moldy hack John Solomon. Sexton looks and sounds like a low-rent Tucker Carlson on a bender. You can watch him waggle his stubbly chin at Rudy's legal stylings here and here. If for some weird reason that's up your alley.

John Solomon was recently moved to the Opinion section of The Hill after being repeatedly criticized by his colleagues for leaving out inconvenient details in his stories, such as the fact that Lisa Page and Peter Strzok were highly critical of Hillary Clinton in their personal texts. So who better to massage Rudy's rantings into a coherent narrative that promotes the batshit theory that Robert Mueller personally deleted Page and Strzok's personal messages because he was OMG, HIDING SOMETHING!


"That should be investigated, damn it, that should be investigated fully. You want a special counsel, get one for that," Giuliani said.

When pressed about whether he thought the erasure was intentional and not just a mistake, Giuliani alluded to the infamous erasure of a Watergate tape by President Richard Nixon's loyal secretary a half-century earlier.

"It's actually worse than Rose Mary Woods," he explained. "She erased less than 19 minutes of conversation, but the FBI got rid of more than 19,000 messages" and the messages from the time Strzok and Page worked for Mueller are lost forever.

Yes, deliberately destroying evidence to thwart a criminal probe is way less terrible than factory resetting government phones before handing them over to the next federal employee. And Robert Mueller, who is not even a regular FBI employee, no doubt personally deleted those emails himself, right Rudes?

"That should be investigated, damn it, that should be investigated fully. You want a special counsel, get one for that," Giuliani said.

Kudos to John Solomon, who linked to the AP article that explained that resetting the phones is standard operating procedure, yet gleefully printed Giuliani's scurrilous implication that the Special Counsel is part of an FBI coverup. If you want your lies uncritically reported by a mainstream media outlet, then Uranium One truther John Solomon is your man!

In wide-ranging interviews with Hill.TV's Buck Sexton and me on Wednesday and Thursday, President Trump's defense lawyer pointedly accused Mueller's office of destroying evidence by allowing text messages from now-fired FBI official Peter Strzok and his FBI lover, Lisa Page, to be erased in the Russia probe.

So much easier than going to Chris Cuomo or that Melber guy who might push back on whatever legal insanity dribbles out of Rudy's cigar hole! Naturally, the president's lawyer took full advantage and hit all the talking points.

Were you aware that the Special Counsel suborned perjury the other day by letting Michael Cohen say in court that he had been loyal to Donald Trump?

"He just lied the other day. He told the judge, 'I was fiercely loyal to Donald Trump.' No, he wasn't. He taped him surreptitiously while he was fiercely loyal. He hid it. And he disclosed it."

The Mueller prosecutors' failure to stand up during the sentencing and correct Cohen's statement "is unethical in and of itself. Making a false statement to a court, even a lawyer, you've to correct it," Giuliani said.

Spoiler alert ... NOPE.

Blahblah DOSSIER yaddayadda FISA ABUSE.

Giuliani said the Russia probe investigators also should be investigated for using the Christopher Steele dossier, which he called a "piece of garbage," to justify a search warrant on a Trump adviser without telling the court it was paid for by Hillary Clinton's campaign and the Democratic Party.

"Do I think that is improper? Yeah, that borders on, that sounds to me a lot more like a false statement than some of the ones they charged," he said, referring to Mueller's team.

Literally none of that is true, John. And, hey funny story! Turns out Chris Steele had pretty good reasons for saying that Michael Cohen was in Prague!

Also, too, Trump won't be answering any more written questions from Robert Mueller because, ummm ... PERJURY TRAP!

Giuliani said that, if prosecutors requested additional written answers from Trump, his advice would be for the president not to provide more information to Mueller: "They have everything they need unless they just want to set a perjury trap."

Great work, boys. You journalismed the shit out of this story! Want to squeeze the geezer balls one more time on the way out?

For example, Giuliani said it is ironic that, after investigating Trump for possible obstruction because Trump once suggested the FBI consider going easy on former national security adviser Mike Flynn, Mueller himself asked a federal judge to go easy on Flynn by awarding no prison time.

"Maybe Mueller needs to investigate himself for obstruction on Flynn like he did my client," the former mayor said wryly.

He was joking on that one. But don't expect any laughs on the disappearance of the Strzok text messages or Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act abuses. On those issues, "America's mayor" is all business.

SLOW FUCKIN' CLAP.

[The Hill / AP]

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Welcome to another edition of Yr Sunday Nice Things feature, where we take a break from the daily craziness so we can decompress for a little while. Today, we're going to relax with the ineffable mental calm that comes from an oddly rectangular English cow. It's really beautiful to see what can happen when people all over the internet come together to collaborate on a little art project. We call it...

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