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Rudy Giuliani knows exactly how the Special Counsel investigation will end. Pretty soon the Grand Marshall of the Supreme Court will march down Pennsylvania Avenue and do LOCK HER UPS to Robert Mueller for destruction of evidence. Take it from the president's IRL, sharp-as-a-tack attorney!

"Mueller should be investigated for destruction of evidence for allowing those text messages from Strzok to be erased, messages that would show the state of mind and tactics of his lead anti-Trump FBI agent at the start of his probe," Giuliani said.

That quote is from a series of batshit phone calls Giuliani made to Hill reporter Buck Sexton and moldy hack John Solomon. Sexton looks and sounds like a low-rent Tucker Carlson on a bender. You can watch him waggle his stubbly chin at Rudy's legal stylings here and here. If for some weird reason that's up your alley.

John Solomon was recently moved to the Opinion section of The Hill after being repeatedly criticized by his colleagues for leaving out inconvenient details in his stories, such as the fact that Lisa Page and Peter Strzok were highly critical of Hillary Clinton in their personal texts. So who better to massage Rudy's rantings into a coherent narrative that promotes the batshit theory that Robert Mueller personally deleted Page and Strzok's personal messages because he was OMG, HIDING SOMETHING!


"That should be investigated, damn it, that should be investigated fully. You want a special counsel, get one for that," Giuliani said.

When pressed about whether he thought the erasure was intentional and not just a mistake, Giuliani alluded to the infamous erasure of a Watergate tape by President Richard Nixon's loyal secretary a half-century earlier.

"It's actually worse than Rose Mary Woods," he explained. "She erased less than 19 minutes of conversation, but the FBI got rid of more than 19,000 messages" and the messages from the time Strzok and Page worked for Mueller are lost forever.

Yes, deliberately destroying evidence to thwart a criminal probe is way less terrible than factory resetting government phones before handing them over to the next federal employee. And Robert Mueller, who is not even a regular FBI employee, no doubt personally deleted those emails himself, right Rudes?

"That should be investigated, damn it, that should be investigated fully. You want a special counsel, get one for that," Giuliani said.

Kudos to John Solomon, who linked to the AP article that explained that resetting the phones is standard operating procedure, yet gleefully printed Giuliani's scurrilous implication that the Special Counsel is part of an FBI coverup. If you want your lies uncritically reported by a mainstream media outlet, then Uranium One truther John Solomon is your man!

In wide-ranging interviews with Hill.TV's Buck Sexton and me on Wednesday and Thursday, President Trump's defense lawyer pointedly accused Mueller's office of destroying evidence by allowing text messages from now-fired FBI official Peter Strzok and his FBI lover, Lisa Page, to be erased in the Russia probe.

So much easier than going to Chris Cuomo or that Melber guy who might push back on whatever legal insanity dribbles out of Rudy's cigar hole! Naturally, the president's lawyer took full advantage and hit all the talking points.

Were you aware that the Special Counsel suborned perjury the other day by letting Michael Cohen say in court that he had been loyal to Donald Trump?

"He just lied the other day. He told the judge, 'I was fiercely loyal to Donald Trump.' No, he wasn't. He taped him surreptitiously while he was fiercely loyal. He hid it. And he disclosed it."

The Mueller prosecutors' failure to stand up during the sentencing and correct Cohen's statement "is unethical in and of itself. Making a false statement to a court, even a lawyer, you've to correct it," Giuliani said.

Spoiler alert ... NOPE.

Blahblah DOSSIER yaddayadda FISA ABUSE.

Giuliani said the Russia probe investigators also should be investigated for using the Christopher Steele dossier, which he called a "piece of garbage," to justify a search warrant on a Trump adviser without telling the court it was paid for by Hillary Clinton's campaign and the Democratic Party.

"Do I think that is improper? Yeah, that borders on, that sounds to me a lot more like a false statement than some of the ones they charged," he said, referring to Mueller's team.

Literally none of that is true, John. And, hey funny story! Turns out Chris Steele had pretty good reasons for saying that Michael Cohen was in Prague!

Also, too, Trump won't be answering any more written questions from Robert Mueller because, ummm ... PERJURY TRAP!

Giuliani said that, if prosecutors requested additional written answers from Trump, his advice would be for the president not to provide more information to Mueller: "They have everything they need unless they just want to set a perjury trap."

Great work, boys. You journalismed the shit out of this story! Want to squeeze the geezer balls one more time on the way out?

For example, Giuliani said it is ironic that, after investigating Trump for possible obstruction because Trump once suggested the FBI consider going easy on former national security adviser Mike Flynn, Mueller himself asked a federal judge to go easy on Flynn by awarding no prison time.

"Maybe Mueller needs to investigate himself for obstruction on Flynn like he did my client," the former mayor said wryly.

He was joking on that one. But don't expect any laughs on the disappearance of the Strzok text messages or Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act abuses. On those issues, "America's mayor" is all business.

SLOW FUCKIN' CLAP.

[The Hill / AP]

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Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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