2019: Rudy Giuliani's Crazyass Year

It's been a hell of a year for the president's pro bono lawyer Rudy Giuliani. It started when Rudy admitted on live television that his client was negotiating with Russia to build Trump Tower Moscow all the way up to the election, NO COLLUSION! It ended with Rudy drooling onto his sweater, ranting about WHO IS JOO, and under investigation by his old office at the Southern District of New York. Along the way, there were ten thousand butt dials, one hideous divorce, and his Ukrainian machinations managed to get Donald Trump impeached. So all in all, it was an amazing success!

Rudy started out January in attack mode. He was preparing a rebuttal to the Mueller Report that was 140 pages, or 87 pages, or 58 pages, or 45 pages, or 34 pages ... or actually NO PAGES. After Bill Barr's infamous press conference, Robert Mueller just punted to Congress and got the hell out of Dodge. Thanks, Bobby! So in the end Rudy and Jay Sekulow's masterpiece was sadly lost to history.

At that point, Rudy could have easily wandered off to stuff his pockets with cash from very bad men from Ukraine or Venezuela or Turkey or Romania in exchange for his his valuable lobbying AHEM we mean legal services. Instead he dove all the way down the crazy rabbit hole in Ukraine, taking the president with him.

Like Don Quixote, Giuliani set off on a mission to prove that Paul Manafort never took dirty money from Ukrainian oligarchs, and thus HILLARY IS THE REAL COLLUSION. If he could only show the ledger showing $12 million in payments to Manafort was forged (it wasn't), then it would prove that Hillary colluded with the Ukrainians to damage Trump's then campaign manager. The "thinking" (if you can call it that) was that if the Manafort investigation was illegitimate, then the whole investigation of the Trump campaign for accepting help from Russia was illegitimate, ipso facto QED Trump is innocent. Never mind that Manafort was convicted by a jury and then pled guilty to even more charges, or that George Papadopoulos blabbed about Russian hacking to an Australian diplomat, or that DJ met at Trump Tower with a Russian asset for sexxxyyy Hillary dirts. This was Rudy's plan, and he knew it couldn't fail.

Entrez Chucklefoux

Enter the Chucklefucks! Rudy needed sherpas who knew their way around Eastern Europe and weren't overly concerned with ethics, and Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman fit the bill perfectly. With a string of judgments and failed businesses behind them, the two small-time ummm ... gentlemen from central casting hopped on Rudy's Psychedelic Bus Ride. Only, Rudy is really, really bad at reading the road signs. So when smear merchant Peter Schweizer of Uranium One fame sent up a flare saying, "Slime Biden with some vague Ukraine bullshit, and let him dirty himself up disproving it," Rudy read, "Spend six months assembling an easily disprovabledossier of fraudulent affidavits alleging outlandish nonsense about Joe Biden and get Donald Trump to use foreign aid to extort the president of Ukraine." Sometimes he forgets his glasses -- it's an easy mistake to make.

Rudy and the Chucklefuckers spent spring and summer setting up a network of corrupt former prosecutors willing to swear that Joe Biden got them fired to protect his son Hunter's business interests. The evidence proved the opposite, but that didn't matter to Rudy, and it didn't matter to Ken Vogel at the New York Times, who was only too delighted to print it. Plus, Rudy and the Chucklefuckers had hooked up with a new sugar daddy, Ukrainian natural gas oligarch Dmitry Firtash, who was hot to get the Justice Department to drop its extradition order to bring him to the US to face bribery charges, and hoped to use Biden dirt as bait. In fact, they assembled a whole smear squad for regular meetings in the backroom of Trump's hotel restaurant, with hairball lawyers Victoria Toensing and Joe diGenova, disgraced reporter John Solomon, and Devin Nunes's lackey Derek Harvey all putting their heads together to take out Joe Biden. Pick up your nit combs in the lobby, kids!

The gang managed to push out career public servant Marie Yovanovitch, whose implacable anti-corruption stance made her position as ambassador to Ukraine untenable if they were going to shoehorn Firtash allies back onto the board of Ukraine's state-owned natural gas company and get a piece of the action for themselves. But they couldn't get the State Department or the Justice Department to play ball and demand a trans-Atlantic investigation of Joe Biden. So Rudy took to the airways to announce his amazing findings.

At the same time, Rudy was operating as de facto undersecretary of State for Ukraine, engaging in a secret back channel with EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland and special envoy Kurt Volker, and insisting that Ukrainian President Volodymr Zelenskyy announce a criminal investigation of Joe and Hunter Biden on CNN. It's not clear whether Giuliani knew that Donald Trump was secretly withholding defense spending for Ukraine, only releasing the money after the whistleblower complaint landed in Congress's lap. Because Rudy defied a congressional subpoena and refused to answer any questions about it.

Then he fired his lawyer, because OBVIOUSLY. Don't worry, he got a new one who sent me a nasty email for making fun of him for taking on the world's worst client. Which ... hahaha, good luck, buddy.

And now Rudy's a big teevee star on One America News, Fox News's inbred cousin, filming a multi-part documentary on how JOE BIDEN IS THE REAL COLLUSION. See, it all has to do with $7 billion of Ukrainian bonds that the country's former president laundered through American investment behemoth Franklin Templeton. And Rudy hasn't quite worked out how Joe Biden fits in yet, but if you'll just watch this video ...

Wait, where are you going? We didn't even get to Rudy going back to Ukraine during the impeachment like a dog licking an infected hotspot on its ass. And his unzipped Bloody Mary meeting with Olivia Nuzzi where he howled that, "Soros is hardly a Jew. I'm more of a Jew than Soros is. I probably know more about — he doesn't go to church, he doesn't go to religion — synagogue. He doesn't belong to a synagogue, he doesn't support Israel, he's an enemy of Israel. He's elected eight anarchist DA's in the United States. He's a horrible human being." Rudy's also said he thinks Soros controls the entire US embassy in Ukraine. Because when racist old men start to lose their marbles, they always get anti-semitic. Next week he'll be dropping racist slurs from the 1960s. That train is never late.

Not to put too fine a point on it, the man is batshit crazy. And clearly there is no one earth who loves this guy, because otherwise they'd have already stepped in to save him from destroying what was left of his own legacy. So, with full cognizance of the fact that 2020 is probably the year we'll have to stop making fun of Rudy because of his, uhhh, incapacity, let's let him close out the year with these words to The Atlantic's Elaina Plott:

It is impossible that the whistle-blower is a hero and I'm not. And I will be the hero! These morons—when this is over, I will be the hero!

You bet, Poppy. Your legacy is secure.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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