Rudy Just Needs Three More Bloody Marys, Then He'll Prosecute Biden For The RICO

Have we mentioned that Rudy Giuliani, the president's free lawyer, is batshit crazy?


And yet we continue to be surprised that his family allows him to walk around unescorted and free to babble inanities into every microphone. Here he is at Trump's New Year's Eve party at Mar-a-Lago -- just hand over your credit card for a chance to party with the president! -- talking about the upcoming impeachment trial.

I would testify. I would do demonstrations, I'd give lectures, I'd give summations. Or, I do what I do best -- I'd try the case. I'd love to try the case!

I don't know if anybody would have the courage to give me the case. But if you give me the case, I will prosecute it as a racketeering case, which I kind of invented anyway. So, it's been 30 years ago, but let's see if I can still do it. Thank you.

Quick, someone do a wellness check on Popehat!

The president's personal attorney, who refused to testify to the House, would be only too delighted to show up for the Senate phase of the impeachment. In fact, you don't have to ask him any questions at all, you can just wind him up and let him go! OR, Mitch McConnell could let Rudy defend Donald Trump by prosecuting Joe Biden for DOING THE RICO. Sure he doesn't appear to have prosecuted a case in 30 years, but you need only watch that wackass OANN special about his Ukrainian Funtimes-n-Fraudulent Docs Field Trip to see that the man is in fighting fettle!

As for his contention that he "kind of invented" RICO, well ... the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act was passed in 1970, without Rudy's help. And the first mobster indicted under the statute was Frank "Funzi" Tieri in 1980, before Giuliani joined the SDNY. But he did successfully use it to prosecute a lot of mobsters in the mid-1980s, so fine, let that one pass.

So will the Senate welcome the assistance of the president's pro bono attorney to "prosecute" Joe Biden for illegally forcing Donald Trump to withhold congressionally appropriated defense spending from Ukraine until it agreed to announce an investigation of Hunter Biden? Are they going to invite a guy who is currently under investigation for multiple violations both foreign and domestic by his old US Attorney's Office to take charge of the case they're furiously trying to sweep under the rug before it dominates yet another news cycle?

"My advice to Giuliani would be to share what he got from Ukraine with the IC [intelligence community] to make sure it's not Russia propaganda. I'm very suspicious of what the Russians are up to all over the world," Sen. Lindsey Graham recently told The Daily Beast. Which doesn't exactly sound like a resounding vote of confidence in the probative value of Rudy's demonstrations, lectures, and summations.

KEWWWWWWL. Look, we're not here to defend Biden's family for trading on his name, although they seem to have been spectacularly crap at it. Joe Biden's brother James was indeed employed by a company which got a $1.5 billion construction contract in Iraq in 2011, although there's certainly no "Biden Family Enterprise" or any suggestion that James Biden got the position or contract due to any intercession by his brother. Unlike Andrew Giuliani, Jared Kushner, and Ivanka Trump -- all of whom are employed at the White House, two of whom only got security clearances after Daddy demanded special treatment.

Anyway, don't lose your phone again, Rudes. Mitch McConnell will be calling you any second now!

[Law and Crime]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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