Rudy Giuliani definitely wants to plead insanity. That has to be it. Right? He must have realized that he's just absolutely thrown away his previous life as a "very great crime fighter," as Donald Trump calls him, and inadvertently exchanged it for a life as a "very dumbstupid crime doer," and has decided that's the only way he can escape spending the remaining time he has in this life in prison.

We don't know where we left off with Rudy -- can one ever really know where one "leaves off" with Rudy? -- so let's just throw shit at the wall like a crazy person, because that's what Rudy's incessant mouth vomit reminds us of.

A Quick Review!

We have learned the following things about Roodles the Clown in the past few days:

  • #RudySays Joe Biden poisoned the former corrupt prosecutor general in Ukraine, Viktor Shokin, MULTIPLE TIMES, but don't worry he got better. It's part of a documentary for the OAN "news" network! You know, the kind of movie where you learn things! Joe Biden poisoning the same guy to death multiple times is definitely a thing we are learning! Ahem, "learning"!
  • Rudy's got ALLLLLL THESE NEW CONSPIRACY THEORIES he learned in Ukraine recently, about how Adam Schiffty Schitt's Creek Schiff owns some investments -- STOLED UKRAINE 'VESTMENTS! -- and also former Ukraine ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and Joe Biden personally buried Ukrainian aid money in George Soros's underpants. (That last one is based on Giuliani's misunderstanding/lies about a Ukrainian government audit of aid money from the United States and others. The first one is just fucking stupid.)
  • #RudyAdmitted to The New Yorker that he "needed to get Yovanovitch out of the way," because "She was going to make the investigations difficult for everybody," by which he means the fake Ukrainian investigations of the Bidens he was trying to gin up in order to give Donald Trump a foreign reacharound assist in the 2020 election.


No, it is not, because we have only begun to plumb the depths of Rudy's miserably addled brain, and we're not stopping until everything leaks out. Luckily, Rudy likes to confess his crimes in public.


Trump Knew Allllllll About Rudy's Little Crime Campaign To Remove Marie Yovanovitch

Here's a New York Timesinterview Roodles the Clown did with Kenneth Vogel, because when there's Ukraine bullshit to be spread, Vogel is like MULCH MY YARD!

Giuliani told Vogel that he gave Trump briefings earlier this year on how Yovanovitch was in his way when it came to ginning up the fake investigations he needed to help Trump in the 2020 election, and also bolster his whack-ass Kremlin-style conspiracy theories about Ukrainian meddling in the 2016 election.

In conversations in the first months of the year with the president, Mr. Giuliani, by his account, cast Ms. Yovanovitch as impeding not only investigations in Ukraine that could benefit Mr. Trump, but also Mr. Giuliani's efforts to gather evidence to defend him — and target his rivals — in the United States.

"There's a lot of reasons to move her," Mr. Giuliani said, asserting that his briefings of Mr. Trump and [Mike] Pompeo most likely played a role in their decision to recall Ms. Yovanovitch.

"I think my information did," he said. "I don't know. You'd have to ask them. But they relied on it."

Mr. Giuliani told the president and Mr. Pompeo that Ms. Yovanovitch was blocking visas for Ukrainian prosecutors to come to the United States to present evidence to him — and also to federal authorities — that he claimed could be damaging to Mr. Biden and his son Hunter Biden, and to Ukrainians who distributed documents that led to the resignation of Mr. Trump's 2016 campaign chairman, Paul Manafort.

Mr. Giuliani also claimed, based on his own interviews with those prosecutors, that Ms. Yovanovitch had sought to block investigations in Ukraine. And he relayed vague claims that she had been bad-mouthing the president.

Rudy thinks all the lies he blew up Trump's ass about Marie Yovanovitch probably helped Trump and Mike Pompeo with their decision to fire Yovanovitch without cause, but you'd have to ask them. But they definitely relied on his lies. He thinks. And he "may or may not" have told Trump that Yovanovitch was cussin' Trump behind his back.


"I think I had pointed out to the president a couple of times, I reported to the president, what I had learned about the visa denials," Mr. Giuliani said, as well as the claims that she ordered one Ukrainian prosecutor to drop cases. "I may or may not have passed along the general gossip that the embassy was considered to be a kind of out-of-control politically partisan embassy, but that was, like, general gossip, I didn't report that as fact."

Anyway, he can't remember if Trump told him to call Mike Pompeo about it or if he told Pompeo to call Rudy, but whatever, they got together on it and Yovanovitch got fired, because as Rudy previously explained to The New Yorker, she was in his way.

And Pompeo totally wanted to hear about it! That's why Rudy Giuliani sent that mysterious packet of fake news about Yovanovitch -- with the return address "White House" calligraphed on the front -- to the State Department, because he was hoping Pompeo would do his dirty work for him and take it to the FBI. As we are all fond of saying, far be it from Rudy Giuliani to improperly meddle with Donald Trump's impartial and above-board Justice Department!

"What I thought was, a really smart guy and he's going to see what else is involved," Mr. Giuliani said, referring to Mr. Pompeo. "And then he'll be the one referring it to the F.B.I. And maybe they'll take it from him and also it won't look like I'm pushing the F.B.I. to do it."

Part of Rudy's "evidence" was a memo of an interview with Viktor Shokin (RIP TWO TIMES) about Yovanovitch's denial of his visa, which Shokin says was in retaliation for all the true and good investigations he was doing into the Bidens and Burisma, and to keep him from sharing that info with the American feds. As the Times points out, State Department official George Kent testified that "I had full faith that it was a bunch of hooey, and [Shokin] was looking to basically engage in a con-game out of revenge because he'd lost his job."

Oh golly, whom to believe, WHOM SHALL WE BELIEVE?


If you were on Twitter last night, you might have noticed that Roodles went on the Laura Ingraham show, and it was hoo boy. Whereas we were just hearing in that Times interview that Rudy simply told Trump and Pompeo what he knew ("knew"), and that he thinks maybe that contributed to their decision to fire Marie Yovanovitch to get her out of Rudy's way, on Ingraham he simply says "I forced her out," DAMN RIGHT HE FORCED HER OUT!

I forced her out because she's corrupt! I came back with a document that will show unequivocally that she committed perjury when she said that she turned down the visa for Mr. Shokin because of corruption.


Maybe he will wave it at your face, but please do not look too closely! It definitely says Marie Yovanovitch did PERJURIES, and is definitely not a piece of paper Rudy carries around to remind him where he lives and what year is it, in case of he forgot.

Roodles told Ingraham further that he has four Ukrainian witnesses, and they were fully prepared to say swears to the FBI about the Bidens and the Democrats, but Yovanovitch decided to deep six their visas, with the long arm of the Deep State!

No, he really did say "Deep State":

There's no question that she was acting corruptly in that position and had to be removed, she should've been fired if the State Department weren't part of the Deep State.


Hey Rudy, what other crimes did yourself Marie Yovanovitch commit?


Rudy desperately wants to present his "findings" to somebody, ANYBODY PLEASE OMG, but so far no one seems interested. He told Laura Ingraham last night that he'd present his "findings" to the police, except for how the police are "afraid" of his "findings."


Laura Ingraham's mouth said she believed Rudy, but her face didn't.

The Times reports that Giuliani has given some of his new "evidence" to Trump, and to "several" members of Congress, but Rudy can't talk about it, because "it's all very confidential."

Trump added on Monday that everything Roodles is doing right now, he's doing "out of love," AWWWWWWWW.

Anyfuckingthing Else?

Um, well, you could actually read that whole New Yorkerprofile of Rudy from Monday, which focuses on his corrupt relationship with that other corrupt former Ukrainian prosecutor general Yuriy Lutsenko, which includes all kinds of batshit of its own.

For instance, look what else Rudy told Adam Entous he "learned" in Ukraine!

In a phone call with me on November 21st, Giuliani described some tips he was hearing from his sources in Ukraine, including allegations that a Ukrainian oligarch had made illegal campaign contributions to Hillary Clinton totalling forty million dollars, "that Biden helped to facilitate." In addition, he said, "I was told Biden had participated in the hacking"—a reference to the penetration of Democratic National Committee computer servers in 2016, which U.S. intelligence agencies have attributed to Russia's military intelligence agency, the G.R.U. The conspiracy theories were endless. "They may be true, they may be false," Giuliani said of the rumors. Toward the end of the conversation, Giuliani spoke wistfully of Lutsenko as a "critical witness" in his investigation, and he said, "If there's some way to, kind of, sit down and patch it up, I'm open to it."

Joe Biden helped a Ukrainian give Hillary Clinton $40 million and Joe Biden hacked the DNC, and all of this "may be true," but also "may be false."


Welllllll, we trust Rudy Giuliani will figure it all out with his wizard brain and his investigative powers, just as soon as he gets all these spiders out of his armpits and maybe butt-dials a reporter or two and finishes his applesauce, you know, ALLEGEDLY.

[New York Times / The New Yorker]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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