Rudy's Dipsh*t Son Announces Bid To Get Cuomo Re-Elected Governor
In sad news, we regret to inform you that Andrew Giuliani is real. Not a hologram, not a hallucination, not a bit taken way too far. There is actually a person running for governor of New York on a platform of "my dad was mayor once" and "I played golf with Donald Trump."
"I'm a politician out of the womb. It's in my DNA," he told the New York Post, because you gotta open with eugenics — it always kills. Never mind that Rudy Giuliani, however demented he may be today, actually did the work. He went to law school and climbed the ladder to head the prosecutor's office at the Southern District of New York before running for mayor. He didn't simply crown himself the heavyweight champion and start measuring the drapes at the governor's mansion after four years trying (with mixed success) to persuade sports teams to eat Big Macs at the White House with Donald Trump.
"Giuliani vs. Cuomo. Holy smokes. Its Muhammad Ali vs. Joe Frazier. We can sell tickets at Madison Square Garden," the would-be governor riffed, seemingly oblivious that his father never ran against Mario Cuomo, and even endorsed him in 1994. Who is Ali and who is Frazier in this analogy? In one corner we have Andrew Cuomo, former secretary of HUD and attorney general of New York and sitting governor. In the other is Andrew Giuliani, who got booted off the Duke University golf team for feats of extreme douchery and then got laughed out of court when he sued the school.
More like Muhammad Ali vs. Frasier Crane.
"I am not going to run away from who I am and what I've done," Giuliani brazened on. "I worked for four years in the Trump White House."
No doubt this will impress the 61 percent of New Yorkers who voted for Biden in November. But clearly math is not Giuliani's strong suit.
"I'm the only candidate who's spent parts of five different decades of my life in politics or public service," he told a handful of reporters assembled for the big announcement. When a reporter questioned how Giuliani, who is 35 years old, could have spent five decades doing anything, the candidate launched into a convoluted explanation that involved his father's failed 1989 campaign for mayor, at which time Andrew Giuliani was all of four years old.
He also appeared to confuse the Statue of Liberty with Miss Manhattan and endorse vaccinations while insisting that he himself would not get one. Here, have a highlight reel.
New York, Andrew Giuliani wants to be your next governor. https://t.co/AoiAKxm8CV— The Recount (@The Recount)1621372477.0
Warming to his nepotism theme, the Roodlet praised his father and promised that he'd take time out from dodging a federal criminal investigation to hit the campaign trail for his son.
"When you've got the greatest prosecutor in the history of the Southern District. When you've got the greatest mayor – not just in the history of New York – but in the history of America, you're foolish if you don't use him as an asset."
And Andrew Giuliani is nobody's fool!
While Giuliani had quite a lot of criticism for Governor Cuomo — most of it perfectly justified — he had nothing at all to say about how he intends to win the Republican primary. Republican Rep. Lee Zeldin has already declared his candidacy, after three terms in Congress and another two in the state Senate. And for all Giuliani's bravado about his closeness with Trump, he doesn't even have the Dear Leader's endorsement.
"President Trump certainly understands the importance of a strong primary," he told the NY Post, before reverting to his great accomplishment. Later he promised reporters "the president has been a friend for a long time and somebody I have been honored to work for. … I think he is going to be very impressed."
"My four years in the White House has prepared me for this moment," he insisted.
And in the distance a distant fog horn let out a plaintive womp womp.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.