Rudy's Fixers Keep Breaking Sh*t

In the fall of 2018, Chucklefucker Lev Parnas was so broke that he had to borrow money to pay for the herring and schnapps at his son's bris. The following summer, he was swimming in cash, enjoying charter flights, luxury cars, and personal bodyguards. What changed? According to CNN, Ukrainian oligarch Dmitry Firtash waved the magic money wand and started raining cash down on his American fixer.

"I'm the best-paid interpreter in the world," Parnas joked, according to CNN's sources. Firtash's disheveled hairball lawyers Victoria Toensing and Joe diGenova back this up, minus the wink-wink, nudge-nudge, insisting that it was they who hired the jet-setting former stockbroker and aspiring natural gas magnate as a "translator" for their dealings with Firtash.

"That's a crock," Toensing snapped, when NBC suggested that Firtash was paying Parnas directly. Later her firm issued a more sober statement, saying "Mr. Firtash met Mr. Parnas for the first time in June 2019. Mr. Firtash had no business relationship with Mr. Parnas or Mr. Fruman. Mr. Parnas was retained as a translator by the law firm of diGenova & Toensing. No money has been paid to Mr. Parnas by Mr. Firtash beyond his work as a translator for the law firm."

We have questions!

First of all, CNN reports that Parnas is the one who connected the hairballs with the oligarch. So if you buy that Parnas was a "translator," you have to swallow the additional story that, upon meeting Parnas for the first time, the billionaire immediately turned around, fired his famous American attorney Lanny Davis, and, on his new friend's suggestion, hired replacement lawyers who just happen to be connected to the president's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani. Oh, and then those new lawyers hired Firtash's friend to be their translator. And no one's jaw is big enough to eat that bullshit sandwich.

Second, Parnas, who couldn't afford to toast his boychik's perfect shmeckel in October, was paying off the $100,000 bris loan in August. After several trips to Vienna over the summer, he settled up his $30,000 debt to a charter flight company and ramped up his private flying. You know who's been holed up in Vienna for five years trying to get the US government not to extradite him on bribery charges? DMITRY FIRTASH, that's who. And, lest we forget, Parnas and his crony Igor Fruman were arrested at the airport with one-way tickets to Vienna in October.

Third of all, Parnas and his crony Igor Fruman just got indicted for funneling $325,000 through their company Global Energy Producers to the pro-Trump America First Action PAC. And the reason the government knew that this was a fraudulent campaign contribution that didn't come from GEP's business was that the company didn't make any money. So if GEP was paying to charter airplanes, it wasn't with business income.

According to CNN, "Parnas told some associates that Firtash was funding the flights." In fact, Firtash was paying for all of it.

In private conversations with would-be business associates before his arrest this month, Parnas boasted that his newfound luxurious lifestyle was bankrolled by Firtash, two sources told CNN. Beginning in mid-August, this included around-the-clock bodyguards, two luxury SUVs for his entourage, and at least six private charter flights in the past several months, according to the sources as well as documents exclusively obtained by CNN.

And we're not going to take you down the rabbithole of Parnas, Fruman, and their co-indictee David Correia trying to scare up a deal to export Qatari natural gas by claiming they had Dmitry Firtash's backing -- because this story is too complicated already and these guys are so clearly full of shit. But it really doesn't sound like they were just lowly "translators" for Firtash. Like, not at all.

Kinda looks like we were right last week when we said that Parnas is right in the middle of all this shit, huh?

Right now, the FBI is so far up the Chucklefucks' asses, they're getting high off the reek of aftershave, hair gel, and half-digested pumpernickel. The government has info from dozens of phones and bank accounts and is already running it through a taint team. So if Johnny Law hasn't worked it out already, he'll know pretty soon where they got the $500,000 to pay Rudy Giuliani for his ... services. He'll know whether GEP paid for its own charter flights, or if someone else fronted the money. And he's going to find out how much of that $1 million fee that Hairball and Hairball, Attorneys at Law collected from Dmitry Firtash wound up getting passed on to their AHEM translators.

Good luck, Vicky!


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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