Rush Limbaugh Explains How That Big Gorilla's Death Disproves Evolution, OBVIOUSLY
What REALLY disproves evolution.
We do not know if Rush Limbaugh's continued career is a reflection of how mind-numbingly stupid his listeners are, or whether his listeners are a reflection of how stupid he is, or what. All we do know is that Rush Limbaugh awakened with a hangover from whatever pill-fueled sexcapades he spent Memorial Day weekend engaging in (ALLEGEDLY), saw a story on Twitter about a dead gorilla in Cincinnati, and just started mouth-shitting.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/602413/shooting-of-gorilla-at-cincinnati-zoo-prompts-humans-to-fling-poop-at-other-humans"></a>[/wonkbar]But don't worry! This is different from Tuesday, when we told you all about the terrible humans on the internet abusing the mother of the child who fell into a gorilla enclosure at the Cincinnati Zoo. That's so yesterday! No, that ape made Rush have thoughts on science and evolution, because why the fuck not?
What set him off was, well, there was a lady from PETA on CNN, and she said gorillas shouldn't be in zoos anyway. Over to Rush:
This woman obviously has not read Genesis, and even if she did, it would not have any impact on her. But human beings travel all over the world to gawk at animals, precisely because they're unusual, they're interesting, some are cute, some are deadly ... There's no way human beings are not gonna be interested in animals!
OK, the Garden Of Eden was not actually the world's first zoo (#BibleFact), but Rush is probably alluding to how God gave Adam dominion over the earth, blah blah blah, therefore we can do whatever we want with the animals.
Oh, and PETA sucks, but all patriotic Americans, liberal and conservative, agree on that.
Let's get to the shit about evolution, how does it work:
A lot of people think that all of us used to be apes! Don't doubt me on this! A lot of people think that all of us used to be gorillas, and they're looking for the missing link out there! The evolution crowd, they think we were originally apes. I've always had ... if we were the original apes, then how come Harambe is still an ape, and how come he didn't become one of us?
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/592023/rush-limbaugh-mad-teenage-boys-dont-put-out-like-they-used-to"></a>[/wonkbar]WE ARE DOUBTING YOU ON THIS, RUSH LIMBAUGH! Remember how we opened this piece, asking about the general stupidity and illiteracy of the typical Rush listener? This is why. The "evolution crowd" AKA "the science crowd" doesn't think "we were originally apes." Science says we share a COMMON ANCESTOR. Way back in the day, long before there was underage sex tourism in the Dominican Republic, like ELEVENTY HUNDRED THOUSAND years ago, there were gorilla-esque creatures, and over time, evolution split them off apart from each other. Some evolved on a path which led to modern-day humans, and others evolved on a path which led to modern-day apes. These species, which are different from each other, are also different from ... wait for it ... the common ancestor!
Not sure where Rush Limbaugh fits into this evolutionary tree, but them's the science.
But his listeners, they are dumb as shit, and do not know these things.
So what the hell did his little rant have to do with Harambe the gorilla what got shot? We do not know. We reckon Rush doesn't know either. Maybe somebody switched his pills, allegedly.
[Media Matters viaRawStory]
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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