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Tell us about the lesbians and their moo cows, Rush.


America, you have offended Rush Limbaugh. One week ago, we informed you that Rush had uncovered a massive conspiracy being overseen by the Obama administration, probably with the assistance of the Illuminati and Beyoncé. You see, the president is visiting our best and brightest lesbians in the dead of night, and throwing money at their faces until they hit "pause" on whatever episode of "The L Word" they're watching, and agree to immediately move to the country, purchase some seeds and some livestock, and become covert lesbian farmers. Obama is of course doing this because he hates America, and he knows that lesbians with names like Bev and Carol are the perfect undercover agents to achieve his dream of eliminating conservatives in the heartland, and replacing them with millions more Bevs and Carols.

And do you know what America did when it heard Rush's hypothesis? YOU LAUGHED AT HIM, YOU ASSHOLES. And that made him sad, and then it made him mad, and now he is in the stage of grief known as YOU'LL SEE, YOU BIG MEANIES, YOU'LL SEE! Shall we giggle at him while he bellyaches?

Alright, look let me take it seriously for a second. I got some emails that I checked during the break. "Rush really, you laugh about it. Why are they mad at you over this lesbian farmer story?" And they are.

Is "mad" the right word for what sane Americans felt when they learned Rush believes Obama is mailing lesbians straw hats, garden hoes and sensible overalls, wrapped in cash bribes? Were we angry?

Here's the real reason they're mad, folks ... The reason they’re mad, they think it is stupid, they think it is, what's the word, conspiratorial, kooky, whatever, to think that Obama and the Democrats would dangle money in front of lesbians to have them become farmers and go to rural areas where mostly conservatives live.

OK fine we are angry, because Rush exposed our big secret about lesbinazis drag-racing Subaru Outbacks across the plains, searching for grain silos owned by Good Christian Conservative Farmers, so that they might scissor inside them, because Obama told them that's how lesbians lay claim to farms, by scissoring in silos.

They think that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard. And why do they think that? Because, well ...

Because, well ...

A. They're leftists and they're young millennials, and they have no -- they have had no education, they’ve had no instruction in ideology. They don't know what liberalism is. They don't know how liberals work.

STUPID MILLENNIALS. The plot is in everybody's face, but dumb libtard snowflake babies see lesbians taking control of entire Lowe's Hardware establishments with pitchforks and think, "Awwww, they are probably filming a new Tegan and Sara video," but that's because they Don't Understand Liberals.

Yup, Obama, USDA, dangling financial grants in front of LGBTs, lesbians included, encourage them to take the money and go out and be farmers. OK, that's one thing.

Wait, Bamz is giving farms to other kinds of homo gay-genders besides lesbians? BRB, we gotta go pick up our free farm from the Kenyan Usurper, Giver Of Farms.

But then to tell people why, that's where they "How dare he think this is just about invading conservative --" because they have never been instructed, taught, conditioned to understand liberalism. They think they know what conservatism is because it’s bashed all the time. But liberalism is something that they've not had any instruction in. They have no understanding of the politics, of the ideology, of liberalism.

Which involves Ellen DeGeneres on a John Deere hanging out with a buncha moo cows, in order that she may destroy Real Americans' way of life.

So, as millennials who are afraid of controversy and need safe spaces, they just -- they react in outrage to something that they don't understand and think that I am some kind of lunatic ...

BRB, we are LOLing in our safe space, and we are not even a millennial.

[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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