Russian Media Just LOVING Tucker Carlson's Coverage Of Great Satan America's Attacks On Pipelines​!

screengrab via Julia Davis

We regret to inform you that it appears none of America's little Putin Scouts missed their Zoom chats with their SVR handlers this week. You know, allegedly.

The Nord Stream pipelines had barely started to poot methane into the Baltic Sea after explosions caused by what appeared to be pretty obvious Russian sabotage before Tucker Carlson stood up on his chair and pointed at Joe Biden and loudly yelled, "He did it! He did it! He did it!" And Tucker offered Russia some suggestions for how it might fight back, like cutting underwater internet cables and the like.

We all knew that clip would be on Russian state-run TV within minutes, and it sure was. They loved his idea of cutting the cables, to hurt the West. What a creative boy Tucker is!

Russia loves referring to Tucker as the "most popular" host in America, as if the little dilettante traitor is somehow representative of average Americans. And they're loving suggesting that this is some kind of American false flag attack, to see if we can goad Russia into some kind of escalation. Note how they lie about what Joe Biden said about the pipelines back in February, and what might happen to them in the event of a Russian invasion of Ukraine. Tucker told those same lies. They're reporting that "Americans" are saying the United States blew up those pipelines, as if Tucker Carlson is worthy of his citizenship.

If you've never watched Russian media cum all over Tucker, you should watch that clip and see what fun they all have together. It's pretty disgusting, but so are all these people.

Right on cue yesterday, Charlie Kirk aimed the "Most Worst Shaped Deformed Giant Potato" state fair winner he calls his face at the camera and took his turn. He put his own flourish on it, baselessly suggesting the pipeline explosions might have been a "mid-term operation." We are not sure how the neurons firing in his skull think that makes sense, but sure why not. Like a person who isn't on America's side, he said our own intelligence agencies are "guilty until proven innocent" of the explosions, and that "they're going to have to prove to us it wasn't them."

You know, as if the CIA would debase itself so thoroughly that it'd be willing to answer questions from the likes of Charlie Kirk.

Perhaps sensing on some level that the notion of America blowing up the pipelines makes zero fucking strategic sense, Kirk asked quizzically, "How does that get us closer to peace?" He's just wondering if the CIA is trying to distract us from inflation and the border and whatever else white Christian fascists would rather us be talking about. He's wondering if they're trying to distract us from the "looming red wave." Is it an "October surprise" in the month of September? He doesn't even know!

He didn't ask if the CIA was trying to distract us from Lizzo going "FLUTY FLUTY BEE BOP TWEETY TWEET!" on the flute of a dead white president, but he probably thought it.

But Charlie Kirk wouldn't put it past our government, because he believes all these other white Christian fascist conspiracy theories about other times the government lied — mostly about coronavirus — so why wouldn't he hallucinate them lying to him now? Charlie Kirk says he does not trust the "Narrative Industrial Complex." Yes, those are words he said.

Kirk concluded that he hoped it wasn't America that did this, but he's pretty sure it was.

This is the intellectual, anti-American center of the MAGA Right, y'all.

In real Russia news, Putin is getting weaker and weaker. Everybody knows his "annexation" referendums were bullshit — his puppets are claiming upwards of 90 percent in the regions he wants to steal voted to become Russian! It is like traditional Russian election for glory of Vladimir Putin!

His "partial mobilization" is sending thousands of citizens for the exits, and they're trying to literally draft people in their cars at the border. He may not get the money from energy revenues he needs to partially mobilize shit. Oh and LOL who is going to train new conscripts? His stellar existing military? OK.

Enjoy this quote from the Institute for the Study of War, a think tank in DC:

“Mobilized men with a day or two of training are unlikely to meaningfully reinforce Russian positions affected by Ukrainian counteroffensives in the south and east,” the institute said.

And speaking of his existing military, have you started looking at the New York Times's leaked phone recordings that are verified to have been made by Russian troops to their friends and family?

"We're losing this war."

"When I come home I'm quitting. Fuck the army."

"Putin is a fool. He wants to take Kyiv. But there's no way we can do it."

And yeah, everybody is still blaming Russia for the fucking explosions in the pipelines, though some are saying that more diplomatically than others. (Russian navy ships were spotted in the area, by the way. Nothing confirmed yet, just saying the information.)

But keep fellating the Kremlin, Tucker and Charlie Kirk and whoever else. Your efforts do not go unnoticed and maybe one day your dear leader Putin will reward you with a dacha on the Black Sea. Or maybe he will get mad at you for insufficient loyalty and throw you out Russian window during vacation.

Enjoy dacha or window surprise, guys!


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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