Or a reptilian shape shifter. Not mutually exclusive.

While you fine people were all glued to Yr Wonkette Monday night and screaming at Disqus screwups during the first night of the Democratic convention, the mighty analytical mind of Donald J. Trump was issuing proclamations on the goings-on as well, Crom help us. He had many sage thoughts, starting with the vast difference between his Dark Vision of America as Gotham City and the Dems' inevitable disaster. (It has to be a disaster. He's not running it!)

And how about that speech Bernie Sanders gave, urging his supporters to stop Donald Trump? Total disaster, too! Bernie should have endorsed Trump, after all, for Reasons! Sad.

Along the way, Trump took time to be miffed at media figures, because he is real good at multi-resenting:

Then, on to the actual convention. Trump didn't bother tweeting about any of the early speeches, because he only mocks people who are worth hissing at. Or disabled reporters.

Funny thing, though -- Bernie himself seemed pretty pleased with the outcome -- he got a really progressive platform, built what could become a very powerful (if sometimes angsty and fedora-wearing) movement of young progressives getting involved in politics for the first time, and got a primo speaking spot. Got a far better reception at his convention than the number two finisher at the Republican convention, didn't he? (Add your own "Ted Cruz IS a big Number Two!" joke here.)

By Tuesday morning, the Great Man had had some time to think it over, and he realized what the Dems were missing: that essential element of apocalyptic fear. How can you win if you present a positive vision for America, whish is, after all, a nightmare hellscape?

Oh, yeah, and he really does not like Elizabeth Warren. Not that she gets under his pasty caviar-stinking skin:

The good professor, needless to say, wasn't especially crushed by the bad review:

Senator Sanders at least had some constructive advice for the man who wants to be First Ego Of the United States:

Say, did you notice the ugly bag of mostly spite (and vanity bottled water) left one really big speech out? Oh, yes, pretty much everyone noticed who Donald left out: Michelle Obama, whose speech was a testimony to the failure of Trump's politics of hate and resentment. Really, people noticed.

We can't blame Donald, though. He was probably too busy jotting down lines for his wife's next speech.

[Business Insider / Donald Trump on Twitter]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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