IT'S NOT FAIR! Jared gets a hotter wife and a hotter lawyer? What does Abbe Lowell see in that pasty-faced kid anyway? And how come all the fancy lawyers are always washing their hair when Donald Trump calls? Don't they know it's a great honor to work for the president?

Whatever! There are like, so many lawyers who want to represent Donald Trump, you don't even know! Younger lawyers from better schools than Don McGahn. Trump can't tell you their names yet, but you'll find out soon. Pleaseohplease let it be Judge Jeanine!

Oh, but we are silly today! (To keep from crying as we watch POTUS lose his goddamn mind on Twitter, HFS.)

News of White House Counsel Don McGahn's imminent departure leaked yesterday, so naturally President Blabberthumbs hopped on the tweetmachine to shout repeatedly I'M THE ONE DOING THE DUMPING, HE DIDN'T BREAK UP WITH ME!

Sure, Jan.

Last night the Post published a story sourced to "26 White House officials, presidential advisers, and lawyers and strategists close to the administration," who are losing their goddamn minds at the prospect of trying to defend a lunatic who confesses to seven crimes a day on Twitter if Democrats take back the House this fall.

"Winter is coming," said one Trump ally in close communication with the White House. "Assuming Democrats win the House, which we all believe is a very strong likelihood, the White House will be under siege. But it's like tumbleweeds rolling down the halls over there. Nobody's prepared for war."

Oh, come now. It can't be that bad.

"What he really has to get ready for is an onslaught from all of these committees," Giuliani said of congressional inquiries. "Because what the Democrats want is death by a thousand cuts."

Factcheck: TRUE! But it's hard to staff up when you can't even replace employees who quit-fire themselves in disgust every day.

Another concern is that the White House, which already has struggled in attracting top-caliber talent to staff positions, could face an exodus if Democrats take over the House, because aides fear their mere proximity to the president could place them in legal limbo and possibly result in hefty lawyers' fees.

"It stops good people from potentially serving because nobody wants to inherit a $400,000 legal bill," said another Trump adviser.

Lie down with dogs, wake up with several hundred thousand dollars in legal fees.

Speaking of fees, the guy who stiffed his lawyers for years, whose own attorneys insisted upon seeing him in pairs because otherwise he'd lie about the conversation, who can be baited into incriminating himself with a tweet, is SO SAD because he can't get competent representation.

Trump has told confidants that some of his aides have highly competent lawyers such as Lowell, who represents Kushner, and William A. Burck, who represents McGahn as well as former White House chief of staff Reince Priebus and former White House chief strategist Stephen K. Bannon.

"He wonders why he doesn't have lawyers like that," said one person who has discussed the matter with Trump.

Another adviser said Trump remarked this year, "I need a lawyer like Abbe."

Yes, you do need a lawyer like Abbe! And the Post reports that you and the Moron Squad have "discussed possibly adding veteran defense attorney Abbe Lowell, who currently represents Trump son-in-law and senior adviser Jared Kushner, to Trump's personal legal team[.]" Awwwww, it's adorable that you think Lowell would agree to represent you when every other serious lawyer told you to get lost. But also, WTF WaPo?!? Even if Lowell were suffering from temporary insanity and wanted to take Trump's case, he'd be totally conflicted out because he already represents Jared. Kushner may be an idiot, but even he's not going to waive his conflicts and hand over his counsel to Vanky's Old Man.

And even if Trump could get a superstar lawyer, it wouldn't be enough. When Bill Clinton was facing down impeachment hearings, he had between 40 and 60 lawyers working on that alone. If Democrats take back the House, Trump will have to defend himself simultaneously from:

  • The Mueller Investigation into his campaign's contacts with Russia
  • SDNY's inquiry into campaign finance violations
  • Stormy Daniels's suit to get out of her Hush Agreement
  • Impeachment proceedings in the House
  • New York State investigations into the Trump Organization and Foundation
  • Emoluments cases in several jurisdictions
  • Summer Zervos's defamation lawsuit
  • At least a dozen different House inquiries into Executive Branch fuckery
  • Another dozen House inquiries into Trump's personal fuckery
  • And another dozen House inquiries into Trump's business and foundation fuckery

Luckily, Donald Trump has A PLAN. Rudy and Jay can go scream on television some more, while Trump heads off to Indiana for a rally. With that dynamite combo, Republicans will hold the House and be able to run interference indefinitely. DONE, AND DONE.



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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