This is us right now.

Hey, did you hear Mitch McConnell doesn't feel the need to bring a bill to the Senate floor to protect the Robert Mueller investigation? He doesn't want to make Republican midterm voters mad, and he knows if he protects the Mueller investigation, and then Mueller finds YES COLLUSION, YES COLLUSION, DONALD TRUMP IS THE COLLUSION, and all sorts of other Trump crimes, it will make the GOP look VERY BAD. But don't worry, because Senator TurtleFucks says Trump won't try to fire Mueller anyway, so CALM YOUR NIPPLES.

Meanwhile, House Republicans are still doing their level best to fuck with, undermine, and obstruct justice in the Mueller investigation. They want to damage the credibility of the FBI, the DOJ, and the Mueller investigation as much as they can, and they REALLY want to create a pretext for Trump to fire Rod Rosenstein, HIS OWN APPOINTEE for deputy attorney general, because Rosenstein is a Deep State who hot tubs with Hillary Clinton as they plot to do Benghazi to Trump's presidency.

There are two escalating fronts in this effort this week. Let's take a look at one of them in this post, and then another one in a different post!

Oh hey let's investigate Hillary Clinton, because we've never done that before and ended up clearing her of wrongdoing each and every time!

Vox reports that eleven of the stupidest Republicans in Congress -- Matt Gaetz, Claudia "Michele Bachmann" Tenney, Ron DeSantis, et al. -- have sent Attorney General Butterscotches McBlessHisHeart a letter DEMANDING Hillary Clinton be prosecuted for ... um ... well ... um ... let's see ... underpants theft? Sure why not, let's go with aggravated underpants theft, and add a few counts of "having a vagina" and "being Hillary Clinton" for good measure.

KIDDING! They want her prosecuted for paying Fusion GPS to do the opposition research that led to THE DODGY STEELE DOSSIER, but weirdly, they do not want the conservative Washington Free Beacon prosecuted for funding the very same company for the very same purpose. IT'S DIFFERENT, OK? When that Clinton-connected lawyer started funding it, Fusion GPS hired British spy Christopher Steele, who uncovered a massive conspiracy between Trump and Russia, and that is just UNFAIR, because exposing Trump is ILLEGAL! They cite the laws Hillary Clinton allegedly broke, but we're not going to bother you with them, because you all know they're only relying on the "Hillary Clinton Is A TOTAL Bitch Act" of 1789, which IS TOO a real law, according to this pocket Constitution House Republicans just found in their butts.

But that's not all! They want the following people prosecuted also too, for the following "crimes":

  • Former FBI director James Comey, for failing to find Hillary Clinton guilty, when she so obviously is, and for leaking unclassified memos he wrote to the New York Times, which is a big crime, because doesn't Comey know "unclassified" means "TOTALLY CLASSIFIED," if that's what the jizz gremlins who live inside Republicans pee holes think it means? "Furthermore," the letter states, Trump says Comey lied to Congress, and even though that's just another Trump lie, remember what we just said about jizz gremlins in Republican pee holes? THEY MUST BE FED. They also want Comey prosecuted for something Chuck Grassley saw in one of his corn-filled nightmares, we don't even know.
  • Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch, for letting Hillary Clinton get away with RUSSIAN URANIUM SINS.
  • Former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, for ALL THE REASONS he was ultimately fired for, none of which had to do with giving Trump a fresh scalp to play with, no surely not! By the way, BREAKING NEWS, NBC News is reporting that the DOJ inspector general did just send a criminal referral on McCabe, based on the results of the IG's trumped-up report, which found that he lacked CANDOR a couple few times. Is this bullshit? Maybe probably! Will McCabe actually be prosecuted based on the IG's recommendation? Eh, maybe, but probably not. Will he be prosecuted because a bunch of phlegm-covered GOP dildo-spanks in the House of Representatives say he should? Hahahahahahahahaha no.
  • FBI agents Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, for sending each other sexts and not exhibiting the slavish devotion to Donald Trump required by the jizz gremlins who live inside House Republicans' pee-holes.
  • Everybody in the FBI and DOJ who started the Trump-Russia investigation based solely on the DODGY STEELE DOSSIER, even though Devin Nunes's stupid lie memo sheepishly admits that the investigation kicked off when the FBI received intel that Trump campaign "coffee boy" George Papadopoulos drunkenly derped all over an Australian diplomat about how the Russians showed him how they were going to fuck Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election. House Republicans are also mad the DODGY DOSSIER was the only source used by the various officials who signed off on FISA warrant applications to "wire tapp" Stupidest Russian Intelligence Asset Ever Carter Page, because that's just exactly how FISA warrants work, oh wait, applications for FISA surveillance are usually hundreds of pages long. House Republicans would like Comey, McCabe, former acting attorney general Sally Yates, and former acting deputy attorney general (and CURRENT FBI GENERAL COUNSEL) Dana Boente to get LOCK HER UPPED for this, because House Republicans are so stupid we wouldn't trust them to feed our pet rock.

Now, are any of these prosecutions going to happen? HAHAHAHAHAHA no (except maybe McCabe, but again, not because of this letter). This is just House Republicans taking turns fucking Devin Nunes's dairy cows, obstructing justice in the Russia investigation, to protect Donald J. Trump, who is king of the jizz gremlins who live in their pee-holes.

History will look upon these people and take a shit on their graves.

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[House letter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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